I feel guilty.
I should be happy, I've been so blessed with so many amazing things and people and I should feel overwhelmingly happy and thankful. Thankful, I am. I think you can be thankful without radiating joy. I just don't feel a whole lot of happiness lately. Maybe I am one of those people who get entirely depressed around the holidays. I used to love them. Christmas eve has always been one of my favorite times, whether I was with my family eating at Ko's restaurant in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia - or at my Dad and Step Mom's house in Mahone Bay playing games with my wacked-out family. I always loved it.
Looking back over the past 12 months, it's easy to find a word to describe it. Cancer. It's changed and ruled my life and every single day when I look around me, I am reminded as to what it did to my family. What it did to me. What it did to Chad. What it did to my step-kids and what it did to my marriage. Nothing will ever be the same. Good and Bad.
This is what I've learned this year;
Life is precious. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Do what you have to do to make sure you live each and every day to the fullest because no one is guaranteed tomorrow.
The people in your life, the ones who really love you - hold onto them for dear life.
The people in your life, the ones who let you down - let them go. Don't hold onto the grudges or hurt feelings because it only causes you pain.
There are good people out there. I mean Really. Good. People. People who care, people who reach out and support you. Who carry your burdens when you're not strong enough. Some you hoped you would be there for you but some you never ever imagined they'd be your rock.
God is Good. I mean. Really. Good. I've come a long way in my faith over these past 10 months. I have a long way to go to be the type of person I want to be but one of my biggest areas of growth is being more comfortable with wanting to believe. I have the type of mind that I like to question things and figure out the answers but sometimes, you just can't. Sometimes you have to believe in something even if it doesn't make sense up here *points to head* and trust it because it makes sense in here *Points to heart*
I have no idea what is in store for me 2016. I'm not even sure I want to know. The only thing that is for certain is that at the end of it all - I hope I'm happy. I hope I find myself surrounded by those same good people I encountered in 2015 who filled my heart with love. I hope I am loved, I hope I am able to love - the way I want to. I hope my friends and family are happy, healthy, safe and able to enjoy each day for what it is.
I just want to be happy.
