No, I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect and I'll never strive to be perfect. There's no sense in wasting energy or emotions on something that is not feasible.
There are some things I wish I could easily change about myself - some I've been trying, some are a life-long struggle. I'm not a super model, my life is somewhat restricted by my size and energy level. Yet, I always try and continue to push myself.
I'm not a great cook, I actually hate cooking. There is nothing about it that I find enjoyable or rewarding so when I am tasked with having to do it, it is truly a struggle. Not due to laziness or inability (because I'm sure if someone wanted to teach me, I could do it. I Just don't have the knack for it like some people; with recipes and proportions and all that really uninteresting stuff) I just really don't like it and I'm the kind of person when I don't enjoy something, or I can't find a reward - I don't do it!
I'm emotional. But I don't think this is a bad thing. Everyone has emotions - some people are angry, some people are happy, some people cry. I think I am fairly balanced. At least when I'm happy but when I get frustrated or angry - I do cry. It's not just sadness, it's an over abundance of any emotion that I just don't know how to deal with so it comes out in floods falling down my cheeks.
I am also committed. When I give myself to something, I give 110%. Whether it be my job, my family, my relationships, whatever it may be - if you have my heart - you have my whole heart. That's why the bonds I create over my job mean a lot to me because when I log onto SingSnap, I'm not just collecting a pay check - I am personally invested.
I admit my mistakes. I learn from them. This I consider to be my best trait. I am going to screw up, by God I will. But I will own it, and I'll never do it again. There are too many people who make the same mistakes over and over again and continue to fuck up everything they touch, yet they take no responsibility for it. If you don't own it, if you don't recognize it - you're going to end up doing it all over again and nothing about your life will ever improve. Not for any length of time.
I don't take people for granted. While I AM emotional, I am not sappy. I don't give hugs to my step-kids or friends (unless I haven't seen you in awhile) I'm not touchy feely. I don't like talking to random people about my thoughts or feelings because I am so attached to them I usually end up crying and believe it or not - crying in front of the world isn't on my bucket list.
I work hard. At everything I do. I keep my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. I don't always succeed but I always try. And I don't wait. I don't want until I 'feel' like it. I take the very first and every opportunity to do the things I said I would do. I don't make excuses. I Just do it. Especially if it's something someone else is counting on.
I am honest. To a fault sometimes. I am not going to hold back how I feel. I won't intentionally hurt you but if there's something you need to hear - you'll hear it. I do have expectations of people. I have expectations of MYSELF so naturally I am going to have them of other people. I know how I want to be treated and how I want to feel and if you have some part in screwing that up, then you should know about it. Especially if you can fix it.
And I don't give up. Not easily. I will give you everything I possibly can until I've nothing left to give. Then I will leave and I will walk away. And I won't feel bad about it. Because chances are, we're adults and we both have a responsibility to one another. I can fix things all by myself but I am not going to fall on your dagger.
I am writing this post because sometimes I get so down on myself and I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I not worthy of this or that and I constantly hold a mirror in front of myself and pick out my flaws. Then, at moments like this I need to remind myself ... I am not all bad. I have a lot of good and if people can't see that, then it will be their loss in the long run.
I like who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm good.
