At the end of every year, I find myself taking a look back to reflect. I cringe at the bad, cry over the painful and laugh at the good. It's always a mixed bag of emotions. I've actually learned a lot about myself this year.
I Give Too Much - I constantly sacrifice myself, my emotions, my hopes, dreams, desires and time - for everybody else. A little self-sacrifice is okay but constantly and always is relentless. This year, I said no more. I still give a lot but I have limits now. I'll only bend so far and then I wash my hands with it. It's a learned art. I haven't perfected it. Sadly, it's resulted in me caring less but as morbid as it sounds - I have to. I have to care less about others in order to care more about me. I do have some 'balanced' relationships in my life but for those that weren't balanced - they're the ones I let go of. At least a little bit.
I Don't Like Fake - Who does, right? But I really don't like it. I have been faced with some scenarios this year that have left me disappointed to the core. People who act a certain way or spin a specific story - only in an effort to manipulate you or take off the heat. Then they turn around and continue being the super big asshole they've always been. Reality Check? Those who know you, the real you, they know you're being fake. All these stories you're spinning to everyone else to make them believe you're a victim - they'll eventually get to know you too. And when they do, they'll discard you like dirty trash. So be careful who you're being fake with. Watch who you make the monster out to be. It will only bite you in the ass. Be real. Be you. And if you don't like being you, or showing people who you really are - then change. Do things different. Be someone people want to be around. Make yourself proud. If you constantly find yourself being left behind, un-cared for, alone - there's probably a reason. And it's not me.
I Hate Cancer - Who doesn't. I've seen a lot of posts lately about celebrities who passed away. People are all hating on 2016 because it took Carrie Fisher, Florence Henderson, David Bowie, etc., Yes, it is sad. Yes, a lot of iconic people died and some tragically and unexpectedly. But you know who's passings have left an impact on me? Mark Fassio. Mike Reddy, Anthony VanGundy, Brian Badstibner - just to name a few. These men all had the same cancer as Chad. They fought a hard battle and are now watching over their families from heaven.
I wish I could care more that Alan Thicke died. I loved watching him as a child. But I just can't because I am not as in touch with their stories. Chad is going on two years being Cancer Free. During that time I have met a lot of people battling the same fight. Some are doing well, others are not - some have passed on. People who were diagnosed after Chad - gone. People we met in person when Chad was in the hospital- gone. So when I look at my husband, who may be in pain but is still here - doing well - my heart aches for the wives of those men I mentioned. And the countless others I have met who have suffered and lost and continue to do so. Cancer may not be an every day thing for our family (God willing, knock on wood) but it's always there. It changed everything. Forever.
I Am Loyal - To a point. I've always been very loyal. I realized recently - sometimes too loyal. You can devote everything you have to something and that doesn't mean it's appreciated or even understood. A word can destroy everything. I will continue being who I am but I'm going to try not to be too blind because loyalty doesn't always go both ways.
So with all that negativity out of the way - I can look back on 2016 and say, at least for my family - it was a pretty good year. Well - the last quarter. Not just because Chad got another clear scan (Though, that's amazing) and not just because we purchased a home (though that is really awesome). My marriage was better in general, I had less daily stress from other factors, and I put more effort into myself and my happiness. Those are the things I want to focus on for 2017.
I learned some hard lessons this year. Sometimes you need to let go, stop caring and change focus. Good things can happen. Be patient. Work hard and always, always take time to love. Life is short. Embrace it. Cherish it. And never, ever take a day for granted. Each one on this planet is a blessing and should be treated as such.
To all of you out there who may stumble across this. May 2017 be an amazing year with more laughs than tears, more highs than lows and more love than you know what to do with <3
