God Knows I Am Trying...

Today is Thanksgiving in the USA. I am supposed to be feeling grateful. I may have had some difficult things to deal with this month but even with that considered, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know I am blessed and I know, even on my worst days, my life is better than a lot of others on their best.

But it's still hard. I find myself overwhelmed lately with emotions I don't know how comprehend or deal with. After Poppy's funeral, we took the kids Trick or Treating and something about that just felt so right. It seemed weird to have been on the verge of choking on my tears at the graveyard to laughing and joking around a mere few hours later. But it felt right. I know Poppy was looking down on us, smiling from ear to ear with that special twinkle in his eye. 

But I've been depressed ever since. Tired. Drained. I thought something was honest to God wrong with me. I went so far as to buy a pregnancy test in Canada because I felt so off. I was deliriously happy to get back to Kentucky because of all the stress that accompanied my flight home but that didn't last long. I got very sick shortly after returning home and just as I was getting better, Patches started getting bad. 

So I sit here today, on Thanksgiving, knowing I should be thankful. Knowing I am blessed and have so many amazing and caring people in my life. But I just can't shake that little black cloud hanging over my head. I keep focusing on the heaviness in my heart. Everytime I close my eyes I see painful images that I just want to forget. I sit here and try to force myself to remember the good times and funny stories and it's as if I draw a blank. As if they never existed. And when I do manage a laugh in my everyday life, I almost feel guilty.

I've never experienced grief before and I guess this is all a part of it. I know, the proverbial 'time' is what is supposed to make everything better and God willing it will. I don't want to wish my life away but I long for those days when I can smile without pain, laugh without heartache and feel thankful without bitterness.

Hurry-Up and Wait.

Sometimes - It Feels Good To Cry

I Have Had A Rough Month

Monday October 27, 2014 - My Poppy passed away. It was sudden and unexpected and beyond difficult to comprehend. He wasn't without health issues but I suppose I thought he would live forever. Travelling there and home, being away from my husband, kids and pets and seeing and feeling such pain and grief was one of the most difficult times of my life.

Then I got sick. Like really sick. For over a week I battled a wicked awful combination of a cold, cough and stomach bug.

Then Patches got sick.

Monday November 24, 2014 - My baby girl, Patches passed away. In hind sight it all started a week or so before. Small personality changes but during the weekend, things progressed at an alarming rate and my poor baby was basically begging me with her sweet puppy eyes to help her release the pain.

It was the most difficult decision I have ever made, in my entire life. My world turned upside down as I questioned everything that was holy. How could I play God? Who was I to determine when it was 'time' ? Everyone kept telling me "You will just know. She would tell you. You will feel it in your heart".

But I didn't. Not then. I didn't know and it scared me to death. She seemed to be getting worse so quickly but I didn't want to give up! What if it wasn't the cancer? She lived with it for so long. What if it was a stomach bug and she would recover? How long is too long? How many days do I wait to see if she gets better without being selfish and making her suffer?

Then I woke up Monday morning and came down to the office where she was sleeping. Two weeks ago, she would've gotten up to greet me. One week ago, she would have sat up to greet me. One day ago, she would've raised her head. She didn't move. I couldn't touch her at first. I had to wait and see if I saw her chest rise. I did. And then we made eye connection. And I knew. :*-(

I cried. I called out to my husband. I went outside and sobbed so hard I couldn't see straight. I tried to see if she could stand up. Twice. Chad tried to tell me to give it time but I knew there wasn't any left. She was ready to go home and it was up to me to help her. I spent a couple hours just holding her. Telling her I loved her. Telling her how proud of her I was and how she was the most courageous puppy I have ever known. I told her how much I loved her and how much she has enriched my life. I got the opportunity to kiss her, take a couple photos, pet her and love on her. Then I told her it was okay to go. Those may have been some of the most heart wrenching moments I've ever experienced but I know I am so blessed to have had them.

Tuesday November 25, 2014 - I dreaded waking up and starting my morning. I knew my life had to go on but I didn't want it to go on without her. I came down to the office like I did every morning. And I still said "Gooood Morning...... Good Morning Patches (as I gripped her collar in my hand) Good Morning Butthead (my other dog Shadows' nickname)"

Then I cried. I let Shadow out and sat down in my comfy blue chair and I cried some more. Shadow came inside, jumped on me and I cried again.

Then the vet called and told me the ashes were ready. I was going to wait and ask Chad to get them but I couldn't. I needed to do it myself. I rushed to the shower and went and picked my baby girl up and brought her home. But oh yes, I cried one of those ugly wailing cries that you think are only real in the movies. 


After work, I went to the grocery store and felt it start. I managed to keep it in until I got to the car and cried into my window. Then I came home and went to the bathroom. And I cried.

I feel such emptiness. Such pain. Such hurt. And the ONLY thing that makes me feel okay is when I cry. I let it out.

I wish like hell I had my Poppy and my Puppy back. Just one more day. I wish I didn't have to cry. But in moments when my heart is so full of grief and sadness - I am so thankful I have these tears.

Sometimes - it feels good to cry.