God Knows I Am Trying...

Today is Thanksgiving in the USA. I am supposed to be feeling grateful. I may have had some difficult things to deal with this month but even with that considered, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know I am blessed and I know, even on my worst days, my life is better than a lot of others on their best.

But it's still hard. I find myself overwhelmed lately with emotions I don't know how comprehend or deal with. After Poppy's funeral, we took the kids Trick or Treating and something about that just felt so right. It seemed weird to have been on the verge of choking on my tears at the graveyard to laughing and joking around a mere few hours later. But it felt right. I know Poppy was looking down on us, smiling from ear to ear with that special twinkle in his eye. 

But I've been depressed ever since. Tired. Drained. I thought something was honest to God wrong with me. I went so far as to buy a pregnancy test in Canada because I felt so off. I was deliriously happy to get back to Kentucky because of all the stress that accompanied my flight home but that didn't last long. I got very sick shortly after returning home and just as I was getting better, Patches started getting bad. 

So I sit here today, on Thanksgiving, knowing I should be thankful. Knowing I am blessed and have so many amazing and caring people in my life. But I just can't shake that little black cloud hanging over my head. I keep focusing on the heaviness in my heart. Everytime I close my eyes I see painful images that I just want to forget. I sit here and try to force myself to remember the good times and funny stories and it's as if I draw a blank. As if they never existed. And when I do manage a laugh in my everyday life, I almost feel guilty.

I've never experienced grief before and I guess this is all a part of it. I know, the proverbial 'time' is what is supposed to make everything better and God willing it will. I don't want to wish my life away but I long for those days when I can smile without pain, laugh without heartache and feel thankful without bitterness.

Hurry-Up and Wait.