I Keep Trying...

Ever since the news about the USA making a nation wide ruling on gay marriage, I've been trying to write a blog in response to things I've encountered on my news feed. 

Brief background: I was not raised religious. I barely seen the inside of a church growing up but I have always believed in God. Or wanted to. I always had a desire to understand and learn. I had - and have - a difficult time with the bible. I wouldn't necessarily call myself Christian but not due to lack of trying. I just can't convince myself to believe the written word, or at least my church's interpretation of it.

I was raised with and have acquired certain fundamentals over the years and I do not have it in me to hate, judge, or condemn to hell - people who believe or behave differently than I do - provided they're not actually causing harm or doing anything 'wrong'.

As cliche as this sounds; I have gay friends. I completely, entirely and whole heartily support their right to marry the person they love. #lovewins! But I can't pretend I don't find it a bit excessive that every person, and their brothers are changing their profile pics to rainbow versions of themselves. If you're Gay and live in the USA, or even if you're not gay but want to support your gay friends - fine. But Canada - Why you? There's people on my list who probably don't even know an American but they're boasting about it. It's been legal up north for a decade. Is it because Facebook wasn't around then and you didn't get the chance to change your pic then? (Or maybe it was, I don't remember)

Anyways, whatever. It is fad and I know I'll soon see your normal colored faces back amongst the feed.

But here's one thing that's not okay. Actually, it is driving me nuts. It's hurting my head. And it's damaging my heart. It's making me not want to go back to church. I didn't go yesterday. I couldn't. Because I knew my preacher would likely address it (because Politics belongs in the church right? *eye roll*) and I didn't trust myself not to get up and walk the fuck out.

Okay - So you don't support homosexuality. You believe only men and women can get married.  Why do you have to be so damn HATEFUL about it? I've seen posts about America falling apart because of this decision, atrocities such as people comparing the right to marry who you love to the goddamn holocaust! Yeah, because I see the similarity in allowing two people who want to spend their lives together to burning innocent jews alive. Yeah, makes a lot of fucking sense doesn't it?

I hovered over a few names and fought back my urge to delete them. I am tossing up your IGNORANCE to lack of education and acceptance. Yes, ignorance. And if you're offended by THIS - by all means - delete me and good riddance.

The biggest dose of irony comes in the fact that some of the people who post the bible as their reason for believing the way they are; are divorced, eat pork or shell fish, have tattoos, are men with long hair, or drink alcohol - all of which are an abomination too. Funny how we pick and choose what we support, isn't it?

Here is the one thing I've learned over the past seven months. Life is precious and it is fragile. There is no guarantee for tomorrow and it most certainly has an expiration date. So I would rather spend my days loving, enjoying, and encouraging people to be happy - then belittling them and condemning them to hell. Our preacher once said it was OUR DUTY to judge and provided scripture to prove it. Bullshit. I love our preacher but this just doesn't sit well with my soul. I am not judging anyone and if that means I am going to hell - then so be it. I'll save you a seat.

I will love. I will support and I will remain true to my heart in its purest form. You don't have to agree with certain things but that doesn't mean you need to stand in the way of something that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Nothing is 'wrong' with the USA now. Your country hasn't 'gone to hell', it isn't 'falling apart' - it's simply being open-minded and giving its people equal opportunities to be happy. Find something else to complain about because as I see it? You're the one fucking this country up - not 'them'.

Quitters Never Win - I Lose

I give up. I absolutely give up. I have exhausted every avenue, every effort - I am out of ideas.

 I am drained, out of energy and out of will power. My patience has been non-existent for the longest time and regardless of how many warnings I gave, they just didn't listen. Didn't stop. Didn't consider. Just keep taking, taking and taking until there is nothing left but an empty shell.

I don't care anymore. 

I need to focus on me, my life, my marriage and my happiness. I have to turn the tide if I want to be happy and I have no idea anymore how to do that, other than to let go and stop caring. A person only has so much energy and when one subject continues to pilfer every single ounce, there comes a time when enough is enough.

So I will change. They won't? But I will. I won't care. I won't be there. I won't support. I can't because it goes nowhere. I can only have the same conversation so many times before I realize it's never. going. to. matter.

I don't matter. That's clear. And it's a shame. Because I fucking tried. Really hard.

What Facebook Is To Me

Facebook is important to me. Maybe more important than it should be. Maybe it makes it easy for me to be lazy in certain areas, or maybe it facilitates something that simply would not be possible or feasible in a 'real life' situation.

I live very far away from family. I keep in touch with my parents but if I didn't have Facebook - I don't think I would have a clue what is going on with anyone I am related to, let alone my friends from back home. We are all busy, we have our own separate lives but Facebook provides an opportunity for us all to keep in touch or to follow along with one anothers lives without being in close proximity or sending a hundred emails and/or letters. I will not apologize for loving Facebook.

People who don't use it, or understand it - seem to speak negatively of it and I find that annoying. Really fucking annoying. I may have people on my Facebook that I've never met but that doesn't mean they're not important to me. In my line of work, I interact with people from all across the world. 

During these past six months, those people I've never met? have reached out, showed more compassion, touched base, kept in touch, helped our family, supported us - more than most people who share mine or Chad's blood. There are people I haven't seen in twenty years but because we 'stay in touch' via Facebook, they still know me. And apparently they still care.

I've always loved Facebook, especially since I've moved away from home. Right or wrong, it is my link to the rest of my friends and family who use it. It is my decision who I allow to be a part of my world. I share my highs, lows and everything in between on that site and I won't apologize for it. If you're on my friends list, it's because you've touched my life and left a mark for some reason and I thank you for it. Thank you for loving and accepting myself and my family - and for keeping in touch. Even if it is in an impersonal disconnected way. I am still super thankful we have this connection.

Much Love.

Life is Colourful

The past six months of my life has been filled with challenges I never thought I would have had to face. As a result of those, my perspective on some things in life has changed, as well as several parts of who I am.

I have next to zero patience anymore, and that is saying something because I never was a patient person to begin with. I have a very small tolerance for excuses. Things are the way they are because that's how they are. You deal with it the best way you know how. You make the right choices and you do everything you can to be the best person you can be and make the best out of any given situation. Anything less than that, is an excuse.

You can spin your wheels and waste your time blaming this or that or defending how amazing of a person you are or you can spend your time being that person you pretend to be on Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook. You are not the only person on there. There's actually quite a few - so if you see a post and you take offense to it and decide you need to write an essay to defend yourself  (or silently stomp through your house and have a hissy fit) because you think I, or someone else, is taking that opportunity to make a statement about your character for all the world to see. Check back into reality. It may not actually be FOR you (Gasp! I know right?) Maybe it's just a general statement. Maybe they're just words. There is a possibility, however slight, the world doesn't revolve around you.

So if you DID take offense and got your feelings hurts - that's on your darling. Food for thought.

When I was in University, I was the President of the Bethune Athletic Council for a couple years. I had a few complaints from some female constituents about how a male member of my council was treating women. So during a monthly meeting I made a very general statement to all members present - that sexist remarks will not be tolerated and if anyone has the attitude that they're better than a woman because they pee standing up, to re-evaluate their position if they want to remain on council.

I never mentioned any names. I never looked at anyone in particular. The statement lasted all of two minutes. But one member felt compelled enough to go up to my Vice President after the meeting (the VP was a male, shocker) and complain that he felt I should have approached him directly. My VP told me about this and I couldn't help but laugh.

Guilty much?

If someone makes a general statement about the population at hand and you consider it a personal attack, then that is a reflection of YOU and is something you need to fix within yourself. Last time I checked, we're revolving around the sun - not you.