Why Is Happiness So Elusive?

I often wonder when looking at my own life, those around me and even those from a distant - why is 'being happy' so difficult for some to achieve?

Some crave the feeling of 'contentment' - but people around them drain away even the slightest hints. Others seem to put a facade on in public as though life is being lived through rose colored glasses - but anyone who knows them, know they're half bat shit crazy and their life is a total mess. Then there are other people who are almost determined to be miserable. They would rather spend every ounce of energy focusing on everything bad in their life, rather than being thankful for the good.

I think I am all three of those people rolled into one fluffy package.

I have a pet peeve with respects to Facebook. It's always been a pet peeve. I just can't understand why people behave the way they do. I vent and rant and rave as much as the next guy but 90% of my post are about me, my life, my thoughts, documenting my journey. It is rare I make a post directed for specific individuals. If I 'do', it is usually a very large group of people who are flooding my feed with the same BS. (Because, let's be honest - when I want to bitch about people, I do it HERE. Not on Facebook. Duh) lol

But there's still a difference. I friend of a relative posted a pretty hateful message the other night about my loved ones. I have never met this person but they added me due to my connection to their siblings. I am getting specific about this because it irritated me to no end. I tried my best to bite my tongue but when I seem some other asinine relation of theirs post an ignorant comment, I felt it my heart I had to defend my loved ones because what was unraveling in front of my was 'not cool'. So I posted. I was not rude, nor was I disrespectful. I told them I was sorry they were hurting, hoped they can fix it, related to a similar situation in my own life but did tell them posting this to Facebook wasn't cool.

LongER story short. I was told to 'kiss off', it was 'none of my business' and that while I 'was good with word, go away'. Okay, fair enough. I tried to reason to them that was my original point. It isn't anyone on Facebook's business but they made it everyone's business by airing their dirty laundry for all the world to see. They ended up putting me on limited profile (They weren't intelligent enough to realize I could access their page through Chad's) so I did her a favor and removed her from my Facebook. I never met the woman, what do I care?

She did later apologize, suggesting I had no idea what it was like to go through something difficult. Ha ha ha. And she was having a bad day. Okay. Toodles.

So - point is. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? Why air your bullshit on Facebook and then DELETE it? If you have something to say to someone, say it TO THEM. If you don't like someone, just fucking delete them from your life. Period. Stop griping about it. Stop making this bullshit passive aggressive posts aimed at people in specific while you're hiding behind the goddamn keyboard.

Man.

Grow up.

P.S. To be sure, I am not doing the same thing here! HA! I DID tell her all those things I wrote. Just more nicely :)

Hurtin'

I'm hurting... Physically, emotionally and spiritually. I've struggled for the past five or so years with my life. Wondering if I am where I am supposed to be. I am in bad shape - in every area of my life. Physically - my back hurts and my feet cramp. I'm bigger than I've ever been and while I try to get better, I don't know if it will ever be enough or if it's just too late.

Emotionally. I am drained and I am broken. I have been on an emotional roller coaster over the past eight months and now that things are a bit more 'normal', my old scars, fears and pain are resurfacing. My own personal clouds of doubt and depression are taking the forefront now that everyone else is 'taken care of'. At least for the time being.

Spiritually. Actually, I may be stronger here than I've ever been but I have so far to go and it is overwhelming. The closer I get, the more questions I have. I feel like I am spinning my wheels trying to understand and be the type of person God wants me to be. I want to follow my heart but that doesn't always align with what the Bible says so I still struggle.

I want a life where I feel I am making a difference but more than that, that the people in it act like they want me there. Not just because I make things easier but because they'd miss me if I were gone. Miss my laugh, my sense of humor, my personality quirks. Not just miss that I pay bills and run errands and take care of what needs to be done. I want to FEEL like they would miss ME. I could probably walk up and down the halls of this house for a week and no one would talk to me. 

That's the sad reality of my existence. I am sure it's not as bad as I typed but perception is reality and that's my perception.