Hurtin'

I'm hurting... Physically, emotionally and spiritually. I've struggled for the past five or so years with my life. Wondering if I am where I am supposed to be. I am in bad shape - in every area of my life. Physically - my back hurts and my feet cramp. I'm bigger than I've ever been and while I try to get better, I don't know if it will ever be enough or if it's just too late.

Emotionally. I am drained and I am broken. I have been on an emotional roller coaster over the past eight months and now that things are a bit more 'normal', my old scars, fears and pain are resurfacing. My own personal clouds of doubt and depression are taking the forefront now that everyone else is 'taken care of'. At least for the time being.

Spiritually. Actually, I may be stronger here than I've ever been but I have so far to go and it is overwhelming. The closer I get, the more questions I have. I feel like I am spinning my wheels trying to understand and be the type of person God wants me to be. I want to follow my heart but that doesn't always align with what the Bible says so I still struggle.

I want a life where I feel I am making a difference but more than that, that the people in it act like they want me there. Not just because I make things easier but because they'd miss me if I were gone. Miss my laugh, my sense of humor, my personality quirks. Not just miss that I pay bills and run errands and take care of what needs to be done. I want to FEEL like they would miss ME. I could probably walk up and down the halls of this house for a week and no one would talk to me. 

That's the sad reality of my existence. I am sure it's not as bad as I typed but perception is reality and that's my perception.