Step Outside Yourself

Life is precious.
Each day is a gift.

Whether you're fighting cancer or perfectly healthy - you are not guaranteed tomorrow.  Neither are your loved ones. At any moment in time, any one of us could leave this world so the only chance you have at making things right is NOW. This very moment.

If there are people in your life who you have done wrong, own it. Admit it. Apologize. Get over it. Being a coward and putting blame onto anyone and everyone other than yourself, just makes you look like the world's biggest fuck up. Quit being a fuck-up! You've mastered the art, try a new profession.

Stop hiding behind excuses and just call it like it is. "I screwed up. I'm sorry" ... It's amazing what those two little words could do for you. They could change your life. They could make it better. They could mend fences that you are solely responsible for tearing up. They could begin the process of healing.

If you keep pushing it away. Waiting until tomorrow. Another day, another time. It might be too late. Maybe it already is. One thing is for sure. Turning away, pretending the problems don't exist, running like a chicken shit with your tail between your legs isn't going to solve your problems. They'll follow you everywhere. Until you make better choices, your life is always going to suck. It's your choice. It always has been, always will.
 

Have Some Honour

Oh I need to vent. Release the rage.

If you say you're going to do something - do it. Be reliable. Make your word hold some value.  And if you can't do what you said you're going to do  (because life happens, things get in the way - I get that) - let someone know. Don't conveniently forget to tell them (that you're letting them down) so they can sit with their thumbs up their asses staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell is going on.

I realize you are the sun. The world revolves are you. But while you're busy with your head stuck up your ass, us mere mortals are standing around 'waiting'... and wondering ... and get really fucking irritated in the mean time.

So be a good person. Be decent. Consider other people, especially ones you've asked a favor of in the first place.  I'm not asking for a novella - just a little consideration. A heads up. A tiny bit of a communication goes a long way.

It's A Blah Kind of Day

I wish I were more positive lately. It seems I am only ever motivated to write anything down when I have something to bitch or cry about. I am sure my motivation is to get it out of my system so I don't implode or explode on those around me. Nonetheless, when reading back through my blog - it makes me seem like a sad, tightly wound, easily irritated maniac.

Oh wait. Maybe I am.

I've never wanted for much nor did I ever really ask for much. Growing up, my brother got all the fancy things - not because my parents wouldn't buy them for me, I just never craved them.  Don't get me wrong, I DID get nice things, it's not like I ever went without but I probably could have. Even today, while I want nice things around me it isn't because I am materialistic. It's because I work hard and I want 'something' to show for my money. I want to use the little bit of cash flow I do have to either make me proud or create memories, rather than just waste it down the drain. Why get a cheap painting you don't really like when you can save up a little bit of money and invest in something you're in love with? Just makes sense to me.

There is a drawback to this type of personality though. Due to my personal feeling of being happy with what I have, I find often times I go above and beyond trying to make others happy. Often sacrificing myself. People will ask me "Well what DO you want to do?" And you know what? I have no answer. Because it's been SO long since I've even thought of myself, my desires, my wishes or my dreams - that I actually have no fucking idea what I want anymore.

I know I want Chad healthy. I know I want my dogs happy. I know I want my step-kids to grow and prosper as good and decent human beings. Me? No idea. I'd like my back to stop hurting. I'd really like that. I've been putting off seeing a doctor about it for ages now but the time is nearing soon. Very soon.

But other than that? I want to not feel invisible. I want to feel cherished. Considered. I want to have friends again that I actually hang out with. Right now I have one, she's my gym buddy and I honestly don't know what I would do without her shoulder sometimes.

Why is it so hard to think of myself? I never used to be this way. I used to be single, care-free. I was there for other people but I looked after myself. I cared about myself. I did my best to make myself happy. Now I feel like I've lost myself. 

It's depressing. The one thing I have in my life that I am really proud of - is my job. I love my job. I love the work I do. I even think I do a good job sometimes. Not always, but sometimes.

As always - Thank God for SingSnap.