It's A Blah Kind of Day

I wish I were more positive lately. It seems I am only ever motivated to write anything down when I have something to bitch or cry about. I am sure my motivation is to get it out of my system so I don't implode or explode on those around me. Nonetheless, when reading back through my blog - it makes me seem like a sad, tightly wound, easily irritated maniac.

Oh wait. Maybe I am.

I've never wanted for much nor did I ever really ask for much. Growing up, my brother got all the fancy things - not because my parents wouldn't buy them for me, I just never craved them.  Don't get me wrong, I DID get nice things, it's not like I ever went without but I probably could have. Even today, while I want nice things around me it isn't because I am materialistic. It's because I work hard and I want 'something' to show for my money. I want to use the little bit of cash flow I do have to either make me proud or create memories, rather than just waste it down the drain. Why get a cheap painting you don't really like when you can save up a little bit of money and invest in something you're in love with? Just makes sense to me.

There is a drawback to this type of personality though. Due to my personal feeling of being happy with what I have, I find often times I go above and beyond trying to make others happy. Often sacrificing myself. People will ask me "Well what DO you want to do?" And you know what? I have no answer. Because it's been SO long since I've even thought of myself, my desires, my wishes or my dreams - that I actually have no fucking idea what I want anymore.

I know I want Chad healthy. I know I want my dogs happy. I know I want my step-kids to grow and prosper as good and decent human beings. Me? No idea. I'd like my back to stop hurting. I'd really like that. I've been putting off seeing a doctor about it for ages now but the time is nearing soon. Very soon.

But other than that? I want to not feel invisible. I want to feel cherished. Considered. I want to have friends again that I actually hang out with. Right now I have one, she's my gym buddy and I honestly don't know what I would do without her shoulder sometimes.

Why is it so hard to think of myself? I never used to be this way. I used to be single, care-free. I was there for other people but I looked after myself. I cared about myself. I did my best to make myself happy. Now I feel like I've lost myself. 

It's depressing. The one thing I have in my life that I am really proud of - is my job. I love my job. I love the work I do. I even think I do a good job sometimes. Not always, but sometimes.

As always - Thank God for SingSnap.