Frustration

My life isn't bad. It's actually pretty good. I have a fantastic job which I absolutely love. I have some good friends. I have a wonderful and supportive family spread out across the continent. I have a husband who I do love more than I know what to do with. I have great step-kids and adorable fur-babies. I go to a great church, with an amazing preacher and supportive congregation.

But I find I get so frustrated lately. Everything looks great on paper but there's a lot going on in my life that makes the day to day laborious and difficult. I often feel like I am drowning in an environment that I should be thriving in.  No, my marriage isn't perfect. Being a step-parent stresses me out. Chad's health isn't great. It seems there is one thing after another and keeping my head above water through it all is sometimes so overwhelming I don't even know how to function.

I'm constantly torn between being grateful for all my blessings and then wondering what the hell I even bother for. I am a do'er. I try not to focus on the negative and look for the things that are good or could be great. I try to inspire people to be better than they were yesterday but there's so much resistance sometimes (this is both professional and personal) that I wonder how anyone survives with their head planted so firmly up their own ass. It's like they're just waiting for everyone to come in and solve their problems without taking the initiative and figuring it out for themselves.

I am not perfect, far from it. Sometimes my faults scream so loudly they keep me up at night. Like when it comes to cleaning the bathroom, or in taking care of myself and putting myself first. Or when I forgive too easily but can never, ever forget anything no matter how hard I try.

The one thing I have going for me is I do learn from my mistakes. Sometimes though, it's not my mistake. And there's nothing I can do to fix something and it just kills me because I want to. I want to make people happy. I want people to BE happy. To believe in themselves. To chase the moon and stars and become the best version of themselves they can be. I know that sounds cliche. It's a side effect of my 'aspiring over-achiever attitude'. I've never quite been amazing at anything but I've tried. I usually just end up being good at a few things. (That's why I don't bowl. I'm horrible)

Anyways, I'm rambling. I'm frustrated. I don't have all the answers and I don't know how to get them. I don't know how to make people give a damn about the things that are important. I don't know how to help them focus and I don't know how to not care. I just don't know.