I Am Happy With Who I Am

No, I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect and I'll never strive to be perfect. There's no sense in wasting energy or emotions on something that is not feasible.

 There are some things I wish I could easily change about myself - some I've been trying, some are a life-long struggle. I'm not a super model, my life is somewhat restricted by my size and energy level. Yet, I always try and continue to push myself.

I'm not a great cook, I actually hate cooking. There is nothing about it that I find enjoyable or rewarding so when I am tasked with having to do it, it is truly a struggle. Not due to laziness or inability (because I'm sure if someone wanted to teach me, I could do it. I Just don't have the knack for it like some people; with recipes and proportions and all that really uninteresting stuff) I just really don't like it and I'm the kind of person when I don't enjoy something, or I can't find a reward - I don't do it!

I'm emotional. But I don't think this is a bad thing. Everyone has emotions - some people are angry, some people are happy, some people cry. I think I am fairly balanced. At least when I'm happy but when I get frustrated or angry - I do cry. It's not just sadness, it's an over abundance of any emotion that I just don't know how to deal with so it comes out in floods falling down my cheeks.

I am also committed. When I give myself to something, I give 110%. Whether it be my job, my family, my relationships, whatever it may be - if you have my heart - you have my whole heart. That's why the bonds I create over my job mean a lot to me because when I log onto SingSnap, I'm not just collecting a pay check - I am personally invested.

I admit my mistakes. I learn from them. This I consider to be my best trait. I am going to screw up, by God I will. But I will own it, and I'll never do it again. There are too many people who make the same mistakes over and over again and continue to fuck up everything they touch, yet they take no responsibility for it. If you don't own it, if you don't recognize it - you're going to end up doing it all over again and nothing about your life will ever improve. Not for any length of time.

I don't take people for granted. While I AM emotional, I am not sappy. I don't give hugs to my step-kids or friends (unless I haven't seen you in awhile) I'm not touchy feely. I don't like talking to random people about my thoughts or feelings because I am so attached to them I usually end up crying and believe it or not - crying in front of the world isn't on my bucket list.

I work hard. At everything I do. I keep my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. I don't always succeed but I always try. And I don't wait. I don't want until I 'feel' like it. I take the very first and every opportunity to do the things I said I would do. I don't make excuses. I Just do it. Especially if it's something someone else is counting on.

I am honest. To a fault sometimes. I am not going to hold back how I feel. I won't intentionally hurt you but if there's something you need to hear - you'll hear it. I do have expectations of people. I have expectations of MYSELF so naturally I am going to have them of other people. I know how I want to be treated and how I want to feel and if you have some part in screwing that up, then you should know about it. Especially if you can fix it.

And I don't give up. Not easily. I will give you everything I possibly can until I've nothing left to give. Then I will leave and I will walk away. And I won't feel bad about it. Because chances are, we're adults and we both have a responsibility to one another. I can fix things all by myself but I am not going to fall on your dagger.

I am writing this post because sometimes I get so down on myself and I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I not worthy of this or that and I constantly hold a mirror in front of myself and pick out my flaws. Then, at moments like this I need to remind myself ... I am not all bad. I have a lot of good and if people can't see that, then it will be their loss in the long run.

I like who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm good.

Looking Back...

I've been trying to write a "Reflections" post for awhile but every time I attempt to put 'pen to paper', it turns, I turn -  into a blubbering mess. Here's my struggle.

I feel guilty.

I should be happy, I've been so blessed with so many amazing things and people and I should feel overwhelmingly happy and thankful. Thankful, I am. I think you can be thankful without radiating joy. I just don't feel a whole lot of happiness lately. Maybe I am one of those people who get entirely depressed around the holidays. I used to love them. Christmas eve has always been one of my favorite times, whether I was with my family eating at Ko's restaurant in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia - or at my Dad and Step Mom's house in Mahone Bay playing games with my wacked-out family. I always loved it. 

Looking back over the past 12 months, it's easy to find a word to describe it. Cancer. It's changed and ruled my life and every single day when I look around me, I am reminded as to what it did to my family. What it did to me. What it did to Chad. What it did to my step-kids and what it did to my marriage. Nothing will ever be the same. Good and Bad.

This is what I've learned this year;

Life is precious. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Do what you have to do to make sure you live each and every day to the fullest because no one is guaranteed tomorrow.

The people in your life, the ones who really love you -  hold onto them for dear life.

The people in your life, the ones who let you down - let them go. Don't hold onto the grudges or hurt feelings because it only causes you pain. 

There are good people out there. I mean Really. Good. People. People who care, people who reach out and support you. Who carry your burdens when you're not strong enough. Some you hoped you would be there for you but some you never ever imagined they'd be your rock.  

God is Good. I mean. Really. Good. I've come a long way in my faith over these past 10 months. I have a long way to go to be the type of person I want to be but one of my biggest areas of growth is being more comfortable with wanting to believe. I have the type of mind that I like to question things and figure out the answers but sometimes, you just can't. Sometimes you have to believe in something even if it doesn't make sense up here *points to head* and trust it because it makes sense in here *Points to heart*

I have no idea what is in store for me 2016. I'm not even sure I want to know. The only thing that is for certain is that at the end of it all -  I hope I'm happy. I hope I find myself surrounded by those same good people I encountered in 2015 who filled my heart with love. I hope I am loved, I hope I am able to love - the way I want to. I hope my friends and family are happy, healthy, safe and able to enjoy each day for what it is. 

I just want to be happy. 

Cancer, cancer, cancer

It's everywhere. Everyone I know, everyone I don't know. It's around every corner and in the back of every bar. It's at the salon, it's at the gym, it's on television. There is no escaping it. Every single ache and pain is cancer.

Since my husband was diagnosed in January, I play this constant - never ending game - of convincing myself everything is not cancer.   It's exhausting.  I'm tired. But I won't stop fighting because life is too precious to let a fear consume me.

Selfishness

Selfishness is really a disease. Some people make it a way of life. It never even occurs to them to consider how their actions may affect another human being in their life. It's always about serving themselves, what they want - when they want it. Right here and right now.

We all have to be selfish sometimes but when you constantly and consistently let down those people you supposedly care about, it just makes you look like an inconsiderate asshole. Truth be told, most people who are selfish don't have much to show in their life. They're usually lonely, sometimes surrounded by expensive things - sometimes surrounded by empty beer bottles and dirty sheets. It just depends on how much of a fuck-up they've let themselves become.

If you are the kind of person who always puts their own wants, needs and desires ahead of everyone around you - you might want to stop and reflect. Do you like your life? Do good things happen to you? Do you keep making the same mistakes over and over, expecting a different outcome? Because sometimes life isn't about doing what you want. Sometimes, it's about doing what you need to do and it isn't always fun. There will come a time when you just have to suck it up, focus and apply yourself because that's how the world works. If something has to be done, it's not going to always be for YOUR benefit and that's okay - because last time I checked, the sun doesn't revolve around you. 

 

Step Outside Yourself

Life is precious.
Each day is a gift.

Whether you're fighting cancer or perfectly healthy - you are not guaranteed tomorrow.  Neither are your loved ones. At any moment in time, any one of us could leave this world so the only chance you have at making things right is NOW. This very moment.

If there are people in your life who you have done wrong, own it. Admit it. Apologize. Get over it. Being a coward and putting blame onto anyone and everyone other than yourself, just makes you look like the world's biggest fuck up. Quit being a fuck-up! You've mastered the art, try a new profession.

Stop hiding behind excuses and just call it like it is. "I screwed up. I'm sorry" ... It's amazing what those two little words could do for you. They could change your life. They could make it better. They could mend fences that you are solely responsible for tearing up. They could begin the process of healing.

If you keep pushing it away. Waiting until tomorrow. Another day, another time. It might be too late. Maybe it already is. One thing is for sure. Turning away, pretending the problems don't exist, running like a chicken shit with your tail between your legs isn't going to solve your problems. They'll follow you everywhere. Until you make better choices, your life is always going to suck. It's your choice. It always has been, always will.
 

Have Some Honour

Oh I need to vent. Release the rage.

If you say you're going to do something - do it. Be reliable. Make your word hold some value.  And if you can't do what you said you're going to do  (because life happens, things get in the way - I get that) - let someone know. Don't conveniently forget to tell them (that you're letting them down) so they can sit with their thumbs up their asses staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell is going on.

I realize you are the sun. The world revolves are you. But while you're busy with your head stuck up your ass, us mere mortals are standing around 'waiting'... and wondering ... and get really fucking irritated in the mean time.

So be a good person. Be decent. Consider other people, especially ones you've asked a favor of in the first place.  I'm not asking for a novella - just a little consideration. A heads up. A tiny bit of a communication goes a long way.

It's A Blah Kind of Day

I wish I were more positive lately. It seems I am only ever motivated to write anything down when I have something to bitch or cry about. I am sure my motivation is to get it out of my system so I don't implode or explode on those around me. Nonetheless, when reading back through my blog - it makes me seem like a sad, tightly wound, easily irritated maniac.

Oh wait. Maybe I am.

I've never wanted for much nor did I ever really ask for much. Growing up, my brother got all the fancy things - not because my parents wouldn't buy them for me, I just never craved them.  Don't get me wrong, I DID get nice things, it's not like I ever went without but I probably could have. Even today, while I want nice things around me it isn't because I am materialistic. It's because I work hard and I want 'something' to show for my money. I want to use the little bit of cash flow I do have to either make me proud or create memories, rather than just waste it down the drain. Why get a cheap painting you don't really like when you can save up a little bit of money and invest in something you're in love with? Just makes sense to me.

There is a drawback to this type of personality though. Due to my personal feeling of being happy with what I have, I find often times I go above and beyond trying to make others happy. Often sacrificing myself. People will ask me "Well what DO you want to do?" And you know what? I have no answer. Because it's been SO long since I've even thought of myself, my desires, my wishes or my dreams - that I actually have no fucking idea what I want anymore.

I know I want Chad healthy. I know I want my dogs happy. I know I want my step-kids to grow and prosper as good and decent human beings. Me? No idea. I'd like my back to stop hurting. I'd really like that. I've been putting off seeing a doctor about it for ages now but the time is nearing soon. Very soon.

But other than that? I want to not feel invisible. I want to feel cherished. Considered. I want to have friends again that I actually hang out with. Right now I have one, she's my gym buddy and I honestly don't know what I would do without her shoulder sometimes.

Why is it so hard to think of myself? I never used to be this way. I used to be single, care-free. I was there for other people but I looked after myself. I cared about myself. I did my best to make myself happy. Now I feel like I've lost myself. 

It's depressing. The one thing I have in my life that I am really proud of - is my job. I love my job. I love the work I do. I even think I do a good job sometimes. Not always, but sometimes.

As always - Thank God for SingSnap.