Validate & Appreciate

It doesn't take much to show someone you love and appreciate them. Especially when it comes to people of the female gender. We don't need expensive gifts or outlandish acts/expressions to feel adored and cherished. All we need are the little things, that are meant for only us. A kiss good-morning, a hug hello, a slap on the ass if you're feeling giddy.

When it comes to gifts, the price tag doesn't matter. Just the thought. It's not about how much money you invested into the present, moreso how inspired you are by the intended recipient. You could buy a music lover the most fancy drum set in the world but if they don't play the drums - it won't make much sense. But if they're a guitar player and you search out a pick with an engraved photo of their favorite artist - now that is going to be impressive. Even if it only cost you 25 cents.

Mother's Day was this past weekend. I know, by some people's standards, I'm not a 'real mom'. I've never given birth or adopted a child. But I do spend a great deal of time and money assisting others to raise their children so whether I deserve it or not - I like to think I've earned a day in the sun on Mother's Day.

Facebook was bombarded with post upon post with people giving love to their mom's. It was wonderful but I won't pretend I wasn't glad when Monday rolled around and my feed was a little less flowery. Ha.

There were a few things that annoyed me though;

1. Mother's Day is for Mother's. Not Father's. I don't care if you're raising a child alone - the day is intended for females. Just like Father's Day is intended for males.  Yes, I fully understand there are parents who 'fill both roles' but that's such a backass backwards way of viewing the world now-a-days, it kind of makes my blood boil.

You are a parent. Parent is no longer just a noun, it is a verb. You parent. You raise your child. That involves certain tasks. Whether it be taking them to little league, washing their clothes, helping them with their homework -whatever - these roles are no longer defined by gender. Mother's Day is not defined as a day to celebrate the parent who does the laundry. It is designed to celebrate the female in the parental relationship.

When you introduce yourself to your child's teacher do you say - "Hey! I am Adam's mother and father" ? Of course you don't because that would be stupid.

So if you're a single parent - you'll get your day, you just don't get both. Unless you have both the x and the y chromosome and somehow had sex with yourself and delivered your own baby. Then you can have both. And your own realty tv show.

Some people always gripe that mother's (and father's) should be appreciated every day of the year and not just one a Sunday in May (or June or whenever). Right. I don't disagree. But what's the harm in having one day that is just a little more special than the rest? On the flip side, there's nothing more special than a national holiday to bring emphasis to just how little your efforts are appreciated. So there's a definite negative among the chaos.

At the end of the day - every day - make sure you can reflect back and say "Yep, I took every opportunity to make sure those I love, know they're appreciated" Because they may not be there tomorrow. Life is precious and short and unpredictable. Don't wait until tomorrow to do what you can accomplish today!

The Life Of Live

On Facebook, life is different. Some people act as though they're mother of the year (when in reality, everyone else on the planet is raising their child), others act as if their marriage is amazing-and-perfect (when in reality, they're cheating on their spouse), some act tough-like nothing could ever get them down (when in reality, they're falling apart from the inside out), some act like they're victims of well.. everything (when in reality, they're psycho and are 100% responsible for all of their problems) - the list goes on.

Truth is - nothing is perfect. Life is not designed to be a series of Pinterest posts. It is hard and fragile but has the potential to be oh-so-wonderful if you appreciate the blessings you have around you and every day you're given on this earth. I know, I know. Some days that is easier said than done.

You get out of life what you put in it. If you stand around waiting for the world to thank you for existing and put zero effort into your relationships (marriage, children, parental, siblings, friends) then you're going to get zero effort returned. 

If you sit on your thumbs and wait for everyone else to solve your problems, eventually they'll give up on you and the world as you know it, will fall apart. 

If you lie, steal, break rules and disrespect the people who support, encourage and make your life even possible - eventually they'll reach their bullshit capacity and you'll be swimming in a stinky mess that is your life.

You have a choice. Contribute to society or don't. Contribute to your family or don't. Be a good husband, wife, mother, father, daughter, son, sibling, parent - or don't. The choice is absolutely, entirely and completely yours.  And so will the consequences. Those will be yours too. The good, the bad, the ugly. You are responsible for how your life turns out. You. Only you.

If you find yourself going through a lot of relationships. If you find yourself having to start-over all the time. If you find yourself fighting with everyone. If you find yourself being yelled at all the time. If you find yourself being broke more than you're not. If you find yourself buried in bills every month. Who is the common denominator? 

Me? I find myself frustrated. And sad. A lot. And I know it's my fault. I have absolutely no patience left. None. I have endured all I can and the tiniest things make me want to explode (or implode) It's up to ME to fix that. I have to make some difficult decisions or commit to some difficult choices. But I do need to take my own advice and do something different because clearly, what I am doing isn't working. I can't rely on other people to help me get to where I need to be to feel happy and less frustrated. So it's up to me. It's always been up to me.

One Day At A Time

Facebook has this app that tells you what you were doing "On This Day" X number of years ago.

One Year Ago Today: We were in Baltimore, preparing for Chad's Colonoscopy and then surgery.

Two Years Ago Today: I had received our Disney Arm Bands in the mail, preparing to take the kids to Florida.

Life can change on a dime, I've said it 100 times.  The past 14 months of my life has been the biggest roller coaster of them all - far surpassed anything Disney had to offer (Not that I went ON any Roller coasters, have you seen the size of my ass?) Some people think we've got terrible luck to keep facing obstacles; some think we're incredibly lucky to keep getting positive news in the light of dark. I battle with myself trying to figure out exactly what we are; but one thing is for certain. I take whatever is dished out - one day at a time.

I can't focus on the future right now or what might be coming our way because it absolutely overwhelms me to the core. I can't think of the past and what we've been through because it makes my heart ache. All I can do is take whatever is happening, when it's happening and push through it. Figure it out, one day at a time.

I am the type of person who just doesn't give up easily. It's a trait I learned from my father, one I've admired my whole life. Both of my parents have worked for as long as I remember and even when things got tough, they soldiered on and figured things out. The moto I have always lived by is one my father used to say to me growing up. "Good things come to those who work hard". So I do. And I always will.

I am 150% committed to my job. (It doesn't hurt that i love the work I do) I remember when I did job shadowing in High School. I went to the Neptune Theater with a group of students and we were mentored by a lady named Janet White (I think that's her name. Amazing I still even remember). She made a statement that has stuck with me every. single. day. of. my. life.

"If you find a job you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life" Yes, I work a lot. I am constantly on my phone checking in. Communicating with our volunteers, our community, my co-workers and while I definitely get frustrated - I love it.

I didn't even mean to start talking about work. I was just sitting here thinking about this One Day At A Time thing and how we got to where we are. Life isn't magical. It doesn't just 'happen' to us and make everything okay. It takes dedication and hard work. There are far too many people out there who just expect everyone else to pick up their pieces when they let them fall. I don't respect that.

I don't respect nor do I want anything to do with people who wait for the world to do their job. I don't like excuses, in fact they irritate me. They show weakness. You can veil an excuse however you want; dress it up and try to pass it off as something other than what it is - but you're not fooling anyone.

Work hard. Stay committed. Give life everything you've got and take it - one day at a time.

Frustration

My life isn't bad. It's actually pretty good. I have a fantastic job which I absolutely love. I have some good friends. I have a wonderful and supportive family spread out across the continent. I have a husband who I do love more than I know what to do with. I have great step-kids and adorable fur-babies. I go to a great church, with an amazing preacher and supportive congregation.

But I find I get so frustrated lately. Everything looks great on paper but there's a lot going on in my life that makes the day to day laborious and difficult. I often feel like I am drowning in an environment that I should be thriving in.  No, my marriage isn't perfect. Being a step-parent stresses me out. Chad's health isn't great. It seems there is one thing after another and keeping my head above water through it all is sometimes so overwhelming I don't even know how to function.

I'm constantly torn between being grateful for all my blessings and then wondering what the hell I even bother for. I am a do'er. I try not to focus on the negative and look for the things that are good or could be great. I try to inspire people to be better than they were yesterday but there's so much resistance sometimes (this is both professional and personal) that I wonder how anyone survives with their head planted so firmly up their own ass. It's like they're just waiting for everyone to come in and solve their problems without taking the initiative and figuring it out for themselves.

I am not perfect, far from it. Sometimes my faults scream so loudly they keep me up at night. Like when it comes to cleaning the bathroom, or in taking care of myself and putting myself first. Or when I forgive too easily but can never, ever forget anything no matter how hard I try.

The one thing I have going for me is I do learn from my mistakes. Sometimes though, it's not my mistake. And there's nothing I can do to fix something and it just kills me because I want to. I want to make people happy. I want people to BE happy. To believe in themselves. To chase the moon and stars and become the best version of themselves they can be. I know that sounds cliche. It's a side effect of my 'aspiring over-achiever attitude'. I've never quite been amazing at anything but I've tried. I usually just end up being good at a few things. (That's why I don't bowl. I'm horrible)

Anyways, I'm rambling. I'm frustrated. I don't have all the answers and I don't know how to get them. I don't know how to make people give a damn about the things that are important. I don't know how to help them focus and I don't know how to not care. I just don't know.

I Am Happy With Who I Am

No, I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect and I'll never strive to be perfect. There's no sense in wasting energy or emotions on something that is not feasible.

 There are some things I wish I could easily change about myself - some I've been trying, some are a life-long struggle. I'm not a super model, my life is somewhat restricted by my size and energy level. Yet, I always try and continue to push myself.

I'm not a great cook, I actually hate cooking. There is nothing about it that I find enjoyable or rewarding so when I am tasked with having to do it, it is truly a struggle. Not due to laziness or inability (because I'm sure if someone wanted to teach me, I could do it. I Just don't have the knack for it like some people; with recipes and proportions and all that really uninteresting stuff) I just really don't like it and I'm the kind of person when I don't enjoy something, or I can't find a reward - I don't do it!

I'm emotional. But I don't think this is a bad thing. Everyone has emotions - some people are angry, some people are happy, some people cry. I think I am fairly balanced. At least when I'm happy but when I get frustrated or angry - I do cry. It's not just sadness, it's an over abundance of any emotion that I just don't know how to deal with so it comes out in floods falling down my cheeks.

I am also committed. When I give myself to something, I give 110%. Whether it be my job, my family, my relationships, whatever it may be - if you have my heart - you have my whole heart. That's why the bonds I create over my job mean a lot to me because when I log onto SingSnap, I'm not just collecting a pay check - I am personally invested.

I admit my mistakes. I learn from them. This I consider to be my best trait. I am going to screw up, by God I will. But I will own it, and I'll never do it again. There are too many people who make the same mistakes over and over again and continue to fuck up everything they touch, yet they take no responsibility for it. If you don't own it, if you don't recognize it - you're going to end up doing it all over again and nothing about your life will ever improve. Not for any length of time.

I don't take people for granted. While I AM emotional, I am not sappy. I don't give hugs to my step-kids or friends (unless I haven't seen you in awhile) I'm not touchy feely. I don't like talking to random people about my thoughts or feelings because I am so attached to them I usually end up crying and believe it or not - crying in front of the world isn't on my bucket list.

I work hard. At everything I do. I keep my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. I don't always succeed but I always try. And I don't wait. I don't want until I 'feel' like it. I take the very first and every opportunity to do the things I said I would do. I don't make excuses. I Just do it. Especially if it's something someone else is counting on.

I am honest. To a fault sometimes. I am not going to hold back how I feel. I won't intentionally hurt you but if there's something you need to hear - you'll hear it. I do have expectations of people. I have expectations of MYSELF so naturally I am going to have them of other people. I know how I want to be treated and how I want to feel and if you have some part in screwing that up, then you should know about it. Especially if you can fix it.

And I don't give up. Not easily. I will give you everything I possibly can until I've nothing left to give. Then I will leave and I will walk away. And I won't feel bad about it. Because chances are, we're adults and we both have a responsibility to one another. I can fix things all by myself but I am not going to fall on your dagger.

I am writing this post because sometimes I get so down on myself and I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I not worthy of this or that and I constantly hold a mirror in front of myself and pick out my flaws. Then, at moments like this I need to remind myself ... I am not all bad. I have a lot of good and if people can't see that, then it will be their loss in the long run.

I like who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm good.

Looking Back...

I've been trying to write a "Reflections" post for awhile but every time I attempt to put 'pen to paper', it turns, I turn -  into a blubbering mess. Here's my struggle.

I feel guilty.

I should be happy, I've been so blessed with so many amazing things and people and I should feel overwhelmingly happy and thankful. Thankful, I am. I think you can be thankful without radiating joy. I just don't feel a whole lot of happiness lately. Maybe I am one of those people who get entirely depressed around the holidays. I used to love them. Christmas eve has always been one of my favorite times, whether I was with my family eating at Ko's restaurant in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia - or at my Dad and Step Mom's house in Mahone Bay playing games with my wacked-out family. I always loved it. 

Looking back over the past 12 months, it's easy to find a word to describe it. Cancer. It's changed and ruled my life and every single day when I look around me, I am reminded as to what it did to my family. What it did to me. What it did to Chad. What it did to my step-kids and what it did to my marriage. Nothing will ever be the same. Good and Bad.

This is what I've learned this year;

Life is precious. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Do what you have to do to make sure you live each and every day to the fullest because no one is guaranteed tomorrow.

The people in your life, the ones who really love you -  hold onto them for dear life.

The people in your life, the ones who let you down - let them go. Don't hold onto the grudges or hurt feelings because it only causes you pain. 

There are good people out there. I mean Really. Good. People. People who care, people who reach out and support you. Who carry your burdens when you're not strong enough. Some you hoped you would be there for you but some you never ever imagined they'd be your rock.  

God is Good. I mean. Really. Good. I've come a long way in my faith over these past 10 months. I have a long way to go to be the type of person I want to be but one of my biggest areas of growth is being more comfortable with wanting to believe. I have the type of mind that I like to question things and figure out the answers but sometimes, you just can't. Sometimes you have to believe in something even if it doesn't make sense up here *points to head* and trust it because it makes sense in here *Points to heart*

I have no idea what is in store for me 2016. I'm not even sure I want to know. The only thing that is for certain is that at the end of it all -  I hope I'm happy. I hope I find myself surrounded by those same good people I encountered in 2015 who filled my heart with love. I hope I am loved, I hope I am able to love - the way I want to. I hope my friends and family are happy, healthy, safe and able to enjoy each day for what it is. 

I just want to be happy. 

Cancer, cancer, cancer

It's everywhere. Everyone I know, everyone I don't know. It's around every corner and in the back of every bar. It's at the salon, it's at the gym, it's on television. There is no escaping it. Every single ache and pain is cancer.

Since my husband was diagnosed in January, I play this constant - never ending game - of convincing myself everything is not cancer.   It's exhausting.  I'm tired. But I won't stop fighting because life is too precious to let a fear consume me.