... to feel lonely.
It's not that I've never felt this way before, because I have. More often than I probably care to remember. I just find myself having an exceptionally difficult time feeling 'happy' this holiday season. And it's not just because I am feeling the loss of Poppy and Patches or missing my family that is scattered out all around North America. It's more than that.
I look around at the relationships surrounding me in my immediate, every day life and I guess I am feeling less than fulfilled. It seems everyone's first priority is someone other than me, myself included. People are too busy thinking of themselves or someone they think more important than me. I feel like I can never measure up, or what I do is never enough. The things I say or request of people (which I consider to be very little) go in one ear and out the other. No one in my "Kentucky" life, ever asks me how I am, how my day is going or any sort of inquiry into my personal well-being. And if I try to share it on my own accord, the conversation soon changes tide or is completely unacknowledged.
I know people care about me, maybe even love me - I just wish I 'felt' it in an every day presence, rather than an occasional glimpse. I don't normally express this type of emotion out loud but Christmas is in three days and I need to release this gloom 'somehow'. I desperately want to feel festive and I don't know what I can do to escape the dark clouds.
So I wrote it down. Can't say I feel better but at least it's out there. For no one to read...
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