I Hate The Word Fat

I really hate the word fat. Mostly because it's been used to describe me for pretty much my entire life.  Memories from high school still haunt me. People whispering "God, how did she get so fat? If I looked like that I would kill myself" (Yes, I heard you) Sometimes I wonder if I developed this 'hearing loss' as a self defense tool so I wouldn't hear the words or feel the hurt.

Or on Halloween when I walk into the school gym  for an assembly and some asshat says "Oh, you dressed like Free Willy!" The cruelty of human beings is truly amazing. Amazing.

I'm not fat. My body is. And there is no part of my body that defines who I am as a person. So when you look at me - there's nothing more in this world that I want than for you to see me as a person. Not a fat person - just a regular person.

Don't tell me I have a 'pretty face' because what you're actually saying is "While your body is huge and gross, you're still really pretty from the neck up (If you ignore my double chin)" As if those two are mutually exclusive. Can't I just be "beautiful" as a whole person. Can't the curves, rolls and blubber be beautiful too?

The reason for my rant? I am, always have been - a big woman. While it is challenging at times - I'm not an unhappy person. I have never let my weight define who I am or how I feel. Yes, I have insecurities but I am pretty sure if I weighed 125 lbs I'd still find something to be insecure about. Yes, I would love to wake up tomorrow and BE 125 lbs but that takes time. What's most important to me is being and feeling healthy.

Anyways, back to what inspired my rant. If you go to the gym  and you're fit  - this is for you. Pay attention. Read carefully. Because while I KNOW your heart is in the right place, you're making a big mistake.

This has happened 1,000 times so it's nothing new - but tonight a gentleman (fit, a bit older) comes up to me at the gym with a huge, warm smile on his face and he says something along the lines of "Are you here to start the new year off right ? Good for you!" or something. Harmless right? Probably. And this wasn't really 'that bad'. Maybe he says this to everyone.

But there have been times when it was painfully obvious that someone wanted to offer me encouragement specifically because I was a plus size gal working her booty off. Literally patted me on the back and told me to keep up the good work. I get it. You want to encourage me. You want to be my personal cheer leader. I don't think anything hateful of you for doing it but please - please stop. You're not actually encouraging me. You're making me feel stupid, you're making me stand out, you're making me feel like I want to leave and crawl into a hole and here's why.

I'm not fat. My body is. I don't want you to look at me and see a fat woman. I want you to look at me and see a woman. Period. That's it. I want to be accepted just like everyone else. We're all at the gym for the same reason right? Don't try to make me feel special because the best way you CAN make me feel special is by making me feel normal. I have 'stood out' my entire life, I just want to fit in. (Pun intended)

Wave, smile - that's fine. But if it's not something you would do to the body builder lifting 200 lbs above his head, then don't do it to me. I know some people may consider me rude or tell me I am focusing on the wrong thing or try to point out they're being kind and supportive and I KNOW this. I know that that guy meant nothing but nice and kind things but that doesn't change how it made me feel. I am not saying all larger people are like me. But I know some are (Because I asked! Yes I did my research before writing. lol)

So next time you're working out and you see a plus sized person getting their sweat on. Smile, wave, nod, ask them where they got their sneakers (running shoes) because they're sweet looking! Just treat them like you'd treat anyone else - because that's all they likely really need to feel encouraged.