A Little Less Of Me

I'm an over-sharer. I am not shy, I don't put on airs and I have no problem letting people into my life,
provided I think I can trust them enough not to screw it up. I'll share with complete strangers too if I think anything I've experienced may be beneficial.

And that's why I am here today.

For weeks I have been trying to put words on paper to explain some of the changes I've made in my life recently, but I could never quite find the 'right time' or the 'right words'. When I consider that and look at the last decade of my life - that statement pretty much sums up my entire existence.

For the past year or so, I had been struggling to find happiness - a reason to keep going. I mean really struggling. I'm not suggesting I was suicidal but I won't pretend that I felt I had a lot of reasons to live. I was so consumed with being depressed that sincere, legit smiles were few and far between. But the tears? They flowed freely.

I am a super plus sized woman. I was tired ALL the time. My back pain was out of this world. To the point I couldn't barely stand for ten minutes without it hurting. I had no energy, no motivation and I couldn't look in the mirror without wanting to spit on the person staring back at me. Pretty harsh way to view yourself right?

I've spent the last decade of my life dedicating every second to everyone and anyone else. Whether it be the job, the husband, the step kids - it didn't matter - as long as it wasn't me. I lost myself.  I felt guilty spending any money on ME, definitely didn't spend any time pampering myself or doing the things I enjoy. Sure, I still went to the gym but I went through the motions, more to say I was there than for any actual benefit.

The thing I needed the most was energy. I felt like if I could find some magic pill to boost my energy, I could do the rest.  Amazon.com became my BFF. I tried numerous things, all resulting in nothing but wasted time and money. I tried Plexus for awhile but that didn't really do much for me either.

I continued to browse, read and research but I kept coming up empty handed. My friends on Social Media all seemed to sell something and I usually passed it by, thinking it's just another one of those false promise products. Then something caught my eye. Isagenix.  Two girls I went to school with were involved in it. One I kind of knew (Nicola), the other I knew from sports (Michelle). I always admired Michelle growing up. She was only a year older than me but was gorgeous, super athletic and just seemed to be the nicest and friendliest person ever. She and Nicola both seemed to be such genuine and honest people, I didn't think they would promote a product with such passion unless they truly believed in it.

I made a post one day on Facebook about my extreme lack of energy and Nicola reached out to me. We shared a few messages and I ignored the information for awhile. Eventually - I decided to try it. Nicola has become such a wonderful beacon of support for my journey, I don't know if she'll ever understand the impact she's had on my life. Believing in the product enough to not only reach out, but check in and sincerely care about the progress. Amazing.

Now, I'm not going to lie. This blog post is not an advertisement for Isagenix. So you'll get it straight. I was hesitant to begin because the price was steep. I was also truly looking for something that was sustainable and if I'm being honest. Living on two shakes, one meal and some snacks wasn't sustainable to me. Nicola worked with me and we came up with a modified plan which worked both financially and nutritionally.

So I went for it. Ordered it. It arrived. I half-assed tried but didn't feel any immediate change and the taste of one of the products turned me off hardcore - so the stuff just sat there collecting dust.

Not long after that something happened in my personal life that broke me. To the core. But it also woke me up. I stood back and looked in that mirror trying to find myself. Wondering where I went and how I got so lost?

Then something special happened. I looked in the mirror again and decided I was worth fighting for. I wasn't ready to give up. I wanted to live and more importantly I wanted to live and be happy.

Happiness seemed to be so elusive for so many years but for the first time in just about forever, I decided I was worth it and I would make it happen.  Because I deserved it. I deserved to be happy. 

So at the end of May I started Isagenix again. Decided to kick up my work out and I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app. As Nicola said to me, Isagenix isn't a magic pill. It's science.

After 78 days I have lost 50 pounds. This is just the beginning. I have a long road ahead of me, but this isn't a sprint. It's a marathon, or more affectionately; "This is my Life-A-Thon".  At my size, 50 lbs is barely noticeable physically but man - I feel like a million bucks.

Working out has become a natural drug to me. I feel so freakin' amazing when I leave the gym now, I just want to run! I haven't ran in years! I have done Zumba for awhile now. I used to have to sit down every ten minutes. Now, I only sit if I want to - not because my back hurts. My back barely bothers me at all, I have energy, motivation and a desire to keep going.
 
Yes, the numbers dropping on the scale is motivating but it doesn't even come close to touching how motivating it is to look in that mirror and be proud of the person I see starting back at me. I am working hard, I am committed and it is working. I feel better than ever and I've only been doing this for two and a half months! I can't imagine how great I'll feel in six months, a year, five years!

The secret to my success contains three things.

Fitness: I work out six times a week. I sweat and I push myself hard. The gym has become a priority to me because *I* have become a priority.  My husband supports this fully and no one grumbles anymore if I tell them "Sorry can't, got to work out" And... Now I have the energy to do it!

My Fitness Pal:  The reason this app works for me is two-fold. It holds me accountable and also educates me. I never really ate bad but this app has forced me to see the reality of some of the food I consumed and has helped me make better choices consistently.  Some people smudge and lie about their numbers but really, why? You still ate it. Be honest. This app can he as helpful as you allow it to be. I didn't want to go the meal prep route, that's not sustainable for me. I wanted a way to choose what to eat that was flexible. Yes, it requires some sacrifices but the rewards so far out weigh those it doesn't even bother me anymore. Ice cream is my weakness. But rather than that, I indulge in frozen yogurt :)I am determined to still enjoy life and not become a prisoner to food or nutrition!

Isagenix:  I've learned, it's not just about what you DON'T put in your body, it's about what you DO put in it. I strongly believe that something about this product really works. It is giving my body what it needs to work how it should. I start every morning with a scoop of Ionix Supreme and have a shake a day! I plan to try some cleansing products eventually. I am sure the more I do the better my results will be, so I am excited for the future. I am taking baby steps and thus far, it's working so I'm sticking with it! I may have been even more successful if I did the full plan but like I said, this is a lifetime journey for me. I don't need it to be an overnight success. I just need it to be something I can commit to doing and this? #IGotThis :)

In conclusion; I have no idea what part of my journey is making the biggest difference. But it's working and I'm sticking with it until it stops! I'll make changes when the need arises. Right now though, I feel great - I feel motivated - life is better than it's been in a long time. I'm doing things for ME again because I enjoy them. My health is improving, the inches are falling off and the best part about it all? This is just the beginning :)

The biggest difference between previous attempts and this one? I am doing it for the right reasons. I am doing it for me. I believe I am worth it and I'm fighting to take my life back.

One Life - One Chance

You get one time around, one roll of the dice - one walk through the garden, one quick look at life. The time that you lose, can never be found - the world keeps turning, you get one time around. - Michelle Wright

Great song. Great perspective.

'Something' happened in my personal life that, if nothing else, gave me a gigantic, huge, metaphoric wake-up call. Under the guise of 'honesty', I was awoken to realize that over the past seven years - I changed. I became a wife and a step-mother and along the way I got lost. I put everyone and everything ahead of myself. I never felt I belonged in this life and I was always trying to figure out my place and my role - to the point where I completely lost sight of me and what makes me happy.

I was at the gym the other day when a song from my past came on my playlist and I literally broke. In the middle of the gym, using the chest fly machine - I broke. Because I remembered. One song transported me back through time to an era where I was number one. I did what ever it was, on any given day, that made me happy.

For the past week or so, I've been feeling pretty content. Simply because I have finally reached my threshold. If someone says or does something to me that is uncalled for or unnecessary - I walk away. I don't care if it hurts their feelings or pisses them off. They'll deal. I'm better than that and I deserve more.

I've given so much of myself and it's mostly for nothing. I tried to step-parent a child and everything I tried to teach or values i tried to instill went in one ear and out the other. Nearly 7 years of my life, a ton of headaches, a million lost tears - for absolutely nothing. No one cares. Why should I? The list goes on.

I am fiercely loyal. To a fault. But I have my breaking point, as does any human. I have no tolerance for fake people. Be who you are. Don't lead people to believe you're a certain way when others know the truth. It's fake. It's ugly. It's annoying.

If you have something to say to someone  - say it. If you say you're going to do something - do it. There's no need to make a public declaration that "this is going to happen". If you mean it, you do it. You don't look back.

I constantly think I am failing. At life. Friendship. Health. Marriage. Parenting. Family. You name it. I fail it. But one thing is for damn sure. I will NEVER stop trying. I will never stop trying to be the best me I can be. I owe that to myself. You do too.

This Crazy Life

So much. So many things. Spinning.

I've wanted to blog for awhile. It's the only way I can collect my thoughts from over-powering me and making me go absolutely insane. I've just had too many thoughts with a complete inability to make sense of anything.

Today. I feel alright. I still have worries on my mind but I've put the demons in the corner so I can breath and focus on what needs to be done.

Life is always teaching us lessons. It's up to us if we pay attention and learn from them. I'll never understand the people who constantly complain about the same things over and over and over again - yet do absolutely nothing different to render different results. Well if it failed the first 20 tries, maybe do something different next time? Just a thought.

Balance. Is so important.  Take Facebook for example. A healthy life and mind needs balance. If you find yourself obsessing over the same things/people all the time, then your mind/heart/life actually isn't healthy. Life, just like your FB posts - should have some sort of variety. You don't need to post every single time you go to the grocery store. We get it. You buy groceries. Who cares?

Honesty. Remember, people know you in real life. Honesty goes a long way. Do you always feel your friends are letting you down or avoiding you? Maybe there's a reason.

With that said; if you're someone's friend, or relative and you keep breaking your promise. Stop it. If you say you're going to do something - do it. If something comes up,  a little communication goes a long way.

Also, don't take people for granted. You may not even understand all the things they do for you or times they've been there for you. If you don't show gratitude or thankfulness once and awhile, then slowly.. day by day - they'll stop caring. Stop trying. Then you'll begin to notice exactly how big of an impact they've had on your life. Until one day they're gone completely and you'll be left spinning in circles. Value and cherish those loved ones who are close to you.

Life gives us blessings every single day. Every time you're able to open your eyes and get out of bed in the morning - THAT is a blessing. No, not everyday will be wonderful. Sometimes you'll hate your life, yourself and everyone around you. I do have those days more times than I care to remember. But it's up to me/you to find perspective among the chaos.  To embrace the day and make it the best you can. Sometimes that is easier said than done but ... it's always possible.

Peace.

Just Don't

If you could see how many drafts of unpublished blogs I have; you'd probably laugh. The amount of times that I have had something to say but decided it just wasn't worth the effort. If I put it into words, then it becomes real and I have to own up to it and face the turmoil - the never ending turmoil, that is going through my head and heart.

I am tired. I am so tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Just tired. I know I am far from perfect but I also know I try so hard. I feel like I am constantly putting everyone and everything ahead of myself. My own wants. My needs. My desires, hopes and dreams. I am always biting my tongue. Always turning a blind eye. Always pretending whatever it is people are doing (or aren't doing) isn't bothering me. Isn't tearing away at my soul. I pretend that I am not slowly dying inside.

And for what? What reason. Why do I bother?

If you have a friend in your life who means something to you - let them know. Don't always make it about you. If someone makes choices or does things you don't agree with - get over it. It's none of your business. Quit being hateful and condescending. If you have family you never speak to, maybe check in. If you've let someone down and you know it - take the first step to repair the damage.

Always say thank you. Always show someone you care. Ask them how they are. Give a good god damn about them and DO NOT take them for granted. Because I promise you every single time you let a chance pass to show someone you care - they notice.

They'll stop caring. They'll stop asking you how you are. They'll stop being there for you. Because everyone has a breaking a point. You will lose that person in your life.

So if you love them. If you care. Don't take them for granted. Just don't.

Relationships.

Relationships are a challenge. And by 'relationships', I mean any interaction with someone who is important in your life. It may be a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend or a co-worker. They require effort and communication.

Certainly some relationships require less of each and it's up to the individuals to determine how much they're willing and able to put forth - but there's something important to remember; it takes two.

Both parties have to be on the same wave length when it comes to the amount of effort put in. When one person is the only one keeping in touch, helping, supporting, encouraging - eventually they're going to get tired of this one-way 'relationship' and walk away. You will lose them. They'll stop caring as much, they'll check in less - and eventually, they'll disappear from your life.

If there are people that have been there for you, supported you, encouraged you, helped you, cared for you - be grateful. Then when you're done being grateful, ask yourself, "Have I told them lately? Do they know? Have I checked in with them? Am I carrying my own in this relationship?"

If you answer 'No' to any of those, you need to get yourself in check. We're all busy. We all have days that bleed together into an endless pile of distractions but at some point in time you need to take accountability and be a good person. Because that's what good people do. They care. They put others first. They don't worry about satisfying themselves or poluting the world with facades. They're genuine. They're determined and they have no problem making time for those relationships which helped mold them into the person they are today.

If you have a husband, a wife, a child, a parent ... anyone who means something to you. Stop taking them for granted. Stop just assuming they're going to be there. Stop wasting even one more second or throwing away even one more opportunity to show them you love them. If you wait until tomorrow, it may be too late.

I Hate The Word Fat

I really hate the word fat. Mostly because it's been used to describe me for pretty much my entire life.  Memories from high school still haunt me. People whispering "God, how did she get so fat? If I looked like that I would kill myself" (Yes, I heard you) Sometimes I wonder if I developed this 'hearing loss' as a self defense tool so I wouldn't hear the words or feel the hurt.

Or on Halloween when I walk into the school gym  for an assembly and some asshat says "Oh, you dressed like Free Willy!" The cruelty of human beings is truly amazing. Amazing.

I'm not fat. My body is. And there is no part of my body that defines who I am as a person. So when you look at me - there's nothing more in this world that I want than for you to see me as a person. Not a fat person - just a regular person.

Don't tell me I have a 'pretty face' because what you're actually saying is "While your body is huge and gross, you're still really pretty from the neck up (If you ignore my double chin)" As if those two are mutually exclusive. Can't I just be "beautiful" as a whole person. Can't the curves, rolls and blubber be beautiful too?

The reason for my rant? I am, always have been - a big woman. While it is challenging at times - I'm not an unhappy person. I have never let my weight define who I am or how I feel. Yes, I have insecurities but I am pretty sure if I weighed 125 lbs I'd still find something to be insecure about. Yes, I would love to wake up tomorrow and BE 125 lbs but that takes time. What's most important to me is being and feeling healthy.

Anyways, back to what inspired my rant. If you go to the gym  and you're fit  - this is for you. Pay attention. Read carefully. Because while I KNOW your heart is in the right place, you're making a big mistake.

This has happened 1,000 times so it's nothing new - but tonight a gentleman (fit, a bit older) comes up to me at the gym with a huge, warm smile on his face and he says something along the lines of "Are you here to start the new year off right ? Good for you!" or something. Harmless right? Probably. And this wasn't really 'that bad'. Maybe he says this to everyone.

But there have been times when it was painfully obvious that someone wanted to offer me encouragement specifically because I was a plus size gal working her booty off. Literally patted me on the back and told me to keep up the good work. I get it. You want to encourage me. You want to be my personal cheer leader. I don't think anything hateful of you for doing it but please - please stop. You're not actually encouraging me. You're making me feel stupid, you're making me stand out, you're making me feel like I want to leave and crawl into a hole and here's why.

I'm not fat. My body is. I don't want you to look at me and see a fat woman. I want you to look at me and see a woman. Period. That's it. I want to be accepted just like everyone else. We're all at the gym for the same reason right? Don't try to make me feel special because the best way you CAN make me feel special is by making me feel normal. I have 'stood out' my entire life, I just want to fit in. (Pun intended)

Wave, smile - that's fine. But if it's not something you would do to the body builder lifting 200 lbs above his head, then don't do it to me. I know some people may consider me rude or tell me I am focusing on the wrong thing or try to point out they're being kind and supportive and I KNOW this. I know that that guy meant nothing but nice and kind things but that doesn't change how it made me feel. I am not saying all larger people are like me. But I know some are (Because I asked! Yes I did my research before writing. lol)

So next time you're working out and you see a plus sized person getting their sweat on. Smile, wave, nod, ask them where they got their sneakers (running shoes) because they're sweet looking! Just treat them like you'd treat anyone else - because that's all they likely really need to feel encouraged.

Looking Back On 2016

At the end of every year, I find myself taking a look back to reflect. I cringe at the bad, cry over the painful and laugh at the good. It's always a mixed bag of emotions. I've actually learned a lot about myself this year.

I Give Too Much - I constantly sacrifice myself, my emotions, my hopes, dreams, desires and time - for everybody else. A little self-sacrifice is okay but constantly and always is relentless. This year, I said no more. I still give a lot but I have limits now. I'll only bend so far and then I wash my hands with it. It's a learned art. I haven't perfected it. Sadly, it's resulted in me caring less but as morbid as it sounds - I have to. I have to care less about others in order to care more about me. I do have some 'balanced' relationships in my life but for those that weren't balanced - they're the ones I let go of. At least a little bit.

I Don't Like Fake - Who does, right? But I really don't like it. I have been faced with some scenarios this year that have left me disappointed to the core. People who act a certain way or spin a specific story - only in an effort to manipulate you or take off the heat. Then they turn around and continue being the super big asshole they've always been. Reality Check? Those who know you, the real you, they know you're being fake. All these stories you're spinning to everyone else to make them believe you're a victim - they'll eventually get to know you too. And when they do, they'll discard you like dirty trash. So be careful who you're being fake with. Watch who you make the monster out to be. It will only bite you in the ass. Be real. Be you. And if you don't like being you, or showing people who you really are - then change. Do things different. Be someone people want to be around. Make yourself proud. If you constantly find yourself being left behind, un-cared for, alone - there's probably a reason. And it's not me.

I Hate Cancer - Who doesn't. I've seen a lot of posts lately about celebrities who passed away. People are all hating on 2016 because it took Carrie Fisher, Florence Henderson, David Bowie, etc., Yes, it is sad. Yes, a lot of iconic people died and some tragically and unexpectedly. But you know who's passings have left an impact on me? Mark Fassio. Mike Reddy, Anthony VanGundy, Brian Badstibner - just to name a few. These men all had the same cancer as Chad. They fought a hard battle and are now watching over their families from heaven.

I wish I could care more that Alan Thicke died. I loved watching him as a child. But I just can't because I am not as in touch with their stories. Chad is going on two years being Cancer Free. During that time I have met a lot of people battling the same fight. Some are doing well, others are not - some have passed on. People who were diagnosed after Chad - gone. People we met in person when Chad was in the hospital- gone. So when I look at my husband, who may be in pain but is still here - doing well - my heart aches for the wives of those men I mentioned. And the countless others I have met who have suffered and lost and continue to do so. Cancer may not be an every day thing for our family (God willing, knock on wood) but it's always there. It changed everything. Forever.

I Am Loyal - To a point.  I've always been very loyal. I realized recently - sometimes too loyal. You can devote everything you have to something and that doesn't mean it's appreciated or even understood. A word can destroy everything. I will continue being who I am but I'm going to try not to be too blind because loyalty doesn't always go both ways.

So with all that negativity out of the way - I can look back on 2016 and say, at least for my family - it was a pretty good year. Well - the last quarter. Not just because Chad got another clear scan (Though, that's amazing) and not just because we purchased a home (though that is really awesome). My marriage was better in general, I had less daily stress from other factors,  and I put more effort into myself and my happiness. Those are the things I want to focus on for 2017.

I learned some hard lessons this year. Sometimes you need to let go, stop caring and change focus. Good things can happen. Be patient. Work hard and always, always take time to love. Life is short. Embrace it. Cherish it. And never, ever take a day for granted. Each one on this planet is a blessing and should be treated as such.

To all of you out there who may stumble across this. May 2017 be an amazing year with more laughs than tears, more highs than lows and more love than you know what to do with <3