For anyone who stumbled across my post this morning - I am better. I felt compelled to write because that was uber depressing and I've had a bit of a turn-around.
I was feeling very, very low. And I am sure I will again sometime soon (lol) but today was a good day. Nothing super special happened but my perspective was adjusted a little.
My beautiful step-mother Nancy, read this blog, and reached out to me this morning before she went into work. It meant a lot and I guess I really needed someone to lean on and let me know I'm not alone. And I don't mean alone in the sense that I have no one there for me, etc., I mean more like: Sometimes I feel like I am going through things where there's no possible happy resolution. That I have the worst marriage or the biggest struggle with this or that. So it was re-assuring (albeit depressing lol) to know that a loving couple who has been married for 16 years has the same kind of ups and downs that I do. If they got through it, so can I right? And like my Dad said tonight when he called "It's not a sprint (to reach results), it's a marathon". So I just need to remain focused and keep my eye on the ball.
Nancy also reminded me that it's okay to want things, to want a support system and to not always have to be the the strong one. Sometimes I feel guilty for shouting "WHAT ABOUT ME?" because it's in my nature (as it is for most women) to want to fix things and put everyone else first. But sometimes, I need to be first. And that's okay. And if no one wants to make me first, then I will make me first.
That phone conversation turned my mood around significantly. I ended up having a very productive work day and a fantastic work out. A friend from the gym gave me some of her Energy supplement and (excuse the language) HOLY SHIT did it ever work. I have been scouring the planet for about two years for something to give me a little jump because my energy can be so low sometimes. I had already ordered some a couple days ago when she and I were talking to this guy about it - and now I can't wait for it to arrive! I can't remember the last time I did that well in Zumba and sweat that much! I got tired towards the end and my back and knees still bothered me but I definitely had more to give.
Oh and this is the lowest weigh-in I've had, so that didn't hurt. :)
Anyways - like I said. I'm better.
Thank-You <3
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Just Waiting...
I'm struggling.
Looking for a way, looking for an answer
Hoping someone else can figure it out for me
I have no idea what is the right thing to do
I pride myself on making the right choices, even if they're not easy. But what's 'right' ? I have no clue right now.
Do I feed the entitlement? Do I sacrifice myself?
Do I continue to wait and hope, even though each day means I lose a little more of myself?
I try to hang onto the good times. They do exist. They're just so far and few between that it's hard to remember what they are sometimes. Or how they made me feel.
Usually, I feel alone. Lost. Like I'm walking on a tread mill, up a hill, in the dark and I have no idea what I'll find at the end of my journey - if anything at all. I see nothing, I feel nothing. But pain. And tears. And loneliness.
I have no one in my day to day life that supports or encourages me. I give, and give, and give, and give until there's NOTHING left. And then I give some more.
Just waiting, hoping - someday, maybe - someone here will SEE me. And care. And act like they care. And show me they care.
I'm just waiting........
Looking for a way, looking for an answer
Hoping someone else can figure it out for me
I have no idea what is the right thing to do
I pride myself on making the right choices, even if they're not easy. But what's 'right' ? I have no clue right now.
Do I feed the entitlement? Do I sacrifice myself?
Do I continue to wait and hope, even though each day means I lose a little more of myself?
I try to hang onto the good times. They do exist. They're just so far and few between that it's hard to remember what they are sometimes. Or how they made me feel.
Usually, I feel alone. Lost. Like I'm walking on a tread mill, up a hill, in the dark and I have no idea what I'll find at the end of my journey - if anything at all. I see nothing, I feel nothing. But pain. And tears. And loneliness.
I have no one in my day to day life that supports or encourages me. I give, and give, and give, and give until there's NOTHING left. And then I give some more.
Just waiting, hoping - someday, maybe - someone here will SEE me. And care. And act like they care. And show me they care.
I'm just waiting........
Sunday, July 17, 2016
I Am Trying To Understand...
A few things...
I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love being able to keep in touch and up to speed with friends and family all across the globe. What I dislike is how frustrated I get when I read some people's posts.
We all have opinions. Neither of us is right or wrong - that's the simple fact of the matter. So long as it is an opinion and you're not trying to pass it off as a 'fact', then I have no beef. But that doesn't mean you don't hurt my head (and sometimes my heart) With that said, I am sure I do the same to some of you.
There's a few things; some light-hearted, some heavy - that have been on my mind lately. I haven't made any Facebook posts about them because I'm not interested in debates. I was hoping it would just go away and I could move on and forget about it but some folks continue to post over and over and over - and there's apparently no ignoring it.
Pokemon Go - For the love of God, stop being so petty. I think the game is pretty stupid. I downloaded it to see what all the craze was about. I 'caught' a couple Pokemon. It didn't excite me, if anything it was humorous. What's not humorous are the people getting all bent out of shape about it. It is a game and it is NOT hurting anyone. Those people getting hurt or doing stupid things are stupid people, doing stupid things. Stop blaming the damn game.
Parents have never-ending complaints about how 'kids-now-a-days' don't go outside anymore. All they do is sit inside on their phones and play games. Well - now they're outside. And you're still complaining! "The kids are making so much noise" "They're walking all around town, being unsafe" "There's kids in my yard! Get Out!"
I get it; some people are stupid. But rather than ban your child from the game - or rather than demand Pokemon shut this travesty down. Why not TALK to your kids? Why not educate them on the importance on being smart and safe and making the right choices? How about giving them limitations such as; no playing after dark. Do not enter private property. Don't cross busy streets. Don't go down dark alleys. Do not play this game without a buddy. Take accountability for your kids being idiots and teach them what it means to interact with society and be outside.
Nice, France - For those unaware, there's been a tragedy in Nice, France. A suspected terrorist drove a bus into a crowd of people and killed over 80 civilians. It's heart breaking, devastating and scary. I cannot tell you how many people have I seen on my Facebook use this tragedy to support their argument about gun laws in the USA. Some even went so far as to make a joke about it. "Time to ban buses! Let's tighten up bus-laws"
.............................. I get you're passionate about your guns. I get you want to own a gun. That's fine by me. Go for it. But for the love of God have some class. Show some empathy. Support your cause - but don't do it at the expense of a tragedy like this.
I pray and I hope that this level of ignorance is short-lived. That people truly, truly can see the difference between civilians carelessly taking lives and terrorist attacks. I pray and I hope that people out there understand that it's not funny when someone... drives a bus into a crowd people. Or when someone ignites a bomb and blows up a train station ... or when someone flies an airplane into a building. That. Is. Not. Funny.
Good Times and Bad Times - We all have highs and lows in our lives. For me personally, it's been a difficult 2 years really. I've had some super highs and I've had some mega lows. It's during those low times that I knew who was there for me. I want you to know I haven't, nor will I ever - forget. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
I also won't forget those who weren't there. Those who didn't reach out. Who all but ignored me. (Or actually did ignore me) I won't ever forget. You've damaged our relationship and sadly you're probably so wrapped up in your own little world to even notice. If you're not going to be there for the tough times, then I don't want you there for the good times. You broke my heart and to this day, I can't think about it without crying. Strangers, people I have never met in my life - checked in, sent prayers, love and encouragement. But there are some of you, who never said a damn thing. To be honest, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't even think you knew what had transpired. But you did. I forgive you because I have to, to move on with my life. But I won't ever forget. And if, God Forbid, you ever need your friends and family in the manner in which I did - I hope you never understand how I feel.
Peace Out.
I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love being able to keep in touch and up to speed with friends and family all across the globe. What I dislike is how frustrated I get when I read some people's posts.
We all have opinions. Neither of us is right or wrong - that's the simple fact of the matter. So long as it is an opinion and you're not trying to pass it off as a 'fact', then I have no beef. But that doesn't mean you don't hurt my head (and sometimes my heart) With that said, I am sure I do the same to some of you.
There's a few things; some light-hearted, some heavy - that have been on my mind lately. I haven't made any Facebook posts about them because I'm not interested in debates. I was hoping it would just go away and I could move on and forget about it but some folks continue to post over and over and over - and there's apparently no ignoring it.
Pokemon Go - For the love of God, stop being so petty. I think the game is pretty stupid. I downloaded it to see what all the craze was about. I 'caught' a couple Pokemon. It didn't excite me, if anything it was humorous. What's not humorous are the people getting all bent out of shape about it. It is a game and it is NOT hurting anyone. Those people getting hurt or doing stupid things are stupid people, doing stupid things. Stop blaming the damn game.
Parents have never-ending complaints about how 'kids-now-a-days' don't go outside anymore. All they do is sit inside on their phones and play games. Well - now they're outside. And you're still complaining! "The kids are making so much noise" "They're walking all around town, being unsafe" "There's kids in my yard! Get Out!"
I get it; some people are stupid. But rather than ban your child from the game - or rather than demand Pokemon shut this travesty down. Why not TALK to your kids? Why not educate them on the importance on being smart and safe and making the right choices? How about giving them limitations such as; no playing after dark. Do not enter private property. Don't cross busy streets. Don't go down dark alleys. Do not play this game without a buddy. Take accountability for your kids being idiots and teach them what it means to interact with society and be outside.
Nice, France - For those unaware, there's been a tragedy in Nice, France. A suspected terrorist drove a bus into a crowd of people and killed over 80 civilians. It's heart breaking, devastating and scary. I cannot tell you how many people have I seen on my Facebook use this tragedy to support their argument about gun laws in the USA. Some even went so far as to make a joke about it. "Time to ban buses! Let's tighten up bus-laws"
.............................. I get you're passionate about your guns. I get you want to own a gun. That's fine by me. Go for it. But for the love of God have some class. Show some empathy. Support your cause - but don't do it at the expense of a tragedy like this.
I pray and I hope that this level of ignorance is short-lived. That people truly, truly can see the difference between civilians carelessly taking lives and terrorist attacks. I pray and I hope that people out there understand that it's not funny when someone... drives a bus into a crowd people. Or when someone ignites a bomb and blows up a train station ... or when someone flies an airplane into a building. That. Is. Not. Funny.
Good Times and Bad Times - We all have highs and lows in our lives. For me personally, it's been a difficult 2 years really. I've had some super highs and I've had some mega lows. It's during those low times that I knew who was there for me. I want you to know I haven't, nor will I ever - forget. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
I also won't forget those who weren't there. Those who didn't reach out. Who all but ignored me. (Or actually did ignore me) I won't ever forget. You've damaged our relationship and sadly you're probably so wrapped up in your own little world to even notice. If you're not going to be there for the tough times, then I don't want you there for the good times. You broke my heart and to this day, I can't think about it without crying. Strangers, people I have never met in my life - checked in, sent prayers, love and encouragement. But there are some of you, who never said a damn thing. To be honest, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't even think you knew what had transpired. But you did. I forgive you because I have to, to move on with my life. But I won't ever forget. And if, God Forbid, you ever need your friends and family in the manner in which I did - I hope you never understand how I feel.
Peace Out.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Ups, Downs, Inside Outs
We all have our moments when we feel up, down and torn inside out. More often than not, things don't make sense and it's hard to piece together the fragments of our lives that leave us bewildered and confused. Struggling to take the next step in the 'right' direction.
We are all so imperfect. The world is a massive, messed-up melting pot of sins and blessings, it's no wonder we often don't know which way is up. The past couple years have been the year of 'Opinions'. Everyone seems to have one about everything. Whatever the latest news trend is on Facebook, becomes the focus of everyone's world and we all become an authority on it. It's exhausting.
People use social network mediums in their own way. Some barely post, some divulge every single move they make throughout the day, some use it to keep in touch with long long friends and families, others use it to annoy their friends (even if they don't know they're doing it). There's often a lot of things I want to post but I don't because I don't want your opinion (Or anyone's). I never understand those who post vague and less than descriptive messages but respond to people with "I don't want to talk about it" or "inbox me for details". Seeking attention much? Sadly, I see this literally five times a week from different people and I have absolutely no doubt I've done it myself. Just a big ole pot of lame.
New Subject: Goals.
They're tough sometimes. We want to strive for better and we don't even mind the hard work, but what if you never get there? It's so discouraging to put in so much effort and never yield the results you desire. But you've got to try. Because if you don't put forth the effort, then you're guaranteeing yourself to fail.
I was having this discussion with my 18 year old Step daughter the other night. She told me she has 'tried' to curve some bad habits and I said "No, you haven't." Making an effort a single, solitary time isn't trying. Trying has to be on-going and consistent. You don't do something one day and then stop and say "Well, I tried"
Whether it be exercise, relationships, employment - whatever your goal may be - if you want to thrive, you need to strive. Every day. Every chance you get. And you never quit. Because you only fail when you fail to try.
No one demands perfection. It doesn't exist. But YOU should demand the best from yourself. You should demand yourself to never stop trying, never stop striving to be better than you were yesterday. Sure you'll hit a bump or two along the way but persevere. Stick with it. you'll get there.
We are all so imperfect. The world is a massive, messed-up melting pot of sins and blessings, it's no wonder we often don't know which way is up. The past couple years have been the year of 'Opinions'. Everyone seems to have one about everything. Whatever the latest news trend is on Facebook, becomes the focus of everyone's world and we all become an authority on it. It's exhausting.
People use social network mediums in their own way. Some barely post, some divulge every single move they make throughout the day, some use it to keep in touch with long long friends and families, others use it to annoy their friends (even if they don't know they're doing it). There's often a lot of things I want to post but I don't because I don't want your opinion (Or anyone's). I never understand those who post vague and less than descriptive messages but respond to people with "I don't want to talk about it" or "inbox me for details". Seeking attention much? Sadly, I see this literally five times a week from different people and I have absolutely no doubt I've done it myself. Just a big ole pot of lame.
New Subject: Goals.
They're tough sometimes. We want to strive for better and we don't even mind the hard work, but what if you never get there? It's so discouraging to put in so much effort and never yield the results you desire. But you've got to try. Because if you don't put forth the effort, then you're guaranteeing yourself to fail.
I was having this discussion with my 18 year old Step daughter the other night. She told me she has 'tried' to curve some bad habits and I said "No, you haven't." Making an effort a single, solitary time isn't trying. Trying has to be on-going and consistent. You don't do something one day and then stop and say "Well, I tried"
Whether it be exercise, relationships, employment - whatever your goal may be - if you want to thrive, you need to strive. Every day. Every chance you get. And you never quit. Because you only fail when you fail to try.
No one demands perfection. It doesn't exist. But YOU should demand the best from yourself. You should demand yourself to never stop trying, never stop striving to be better than you were yesterday. Sure you'll hit a bump or two along the way but persevere. Stick with it. you'll get there.
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