Better

For anyone who stumbled across my post this morning - I am better. I felt compelled to write because that was uber depressing and I've had a bit of a turn-around.

I was feeling very, very low. And I am sure I will again sometime soon (lol) but today was a good day. Nothing super special happened but my perspective was adjusted a little.

My beautiful step-mother Nancy, read this blog, and reached out to me this morning before she went into work. It meant a lot and I guess I really needed someone to lean on and let me know I'm not alone. And I don't mean alone in the sense that I have no one there for me, etc., I mean more like: Sometimes I feel like I am going through things where there's no possible happy resolution. That I have the worst marriage or the biggest struggle with this or that. So it was re-assuring (albeit depressing lol) to know that a loving couple who has been married for 16 years has the same kind of ups and downs that I do. If they got through it, so can I right? And like my Dad said tonight when he called "It's not a sprint (to reach results), it's a marathon". So I just need to remain focused and keep my eye on the ball.

Nancy also reminded me that it's okay to want things, to want a support system and to not always have to be the the strong one. Sometimes I feel guilty for shouting "WHAT ABOUT ME?" because it's in my nature (as it is for most women) to want to fix things and put everyone else first. But sometimes, I need to be first. And that's okay. And if no one wants to make me first, then I will make me first.

That phone conversation turned my mood around significantly. I ended up having a very productive work day and a fantastic work out. A friend from the gym gave me some of her Energy supplement and (excuse the language) HOLY SHIT did it ever work. I have been scouring the planet for about two years for something to give me a little jump because my energy can be so low sometimes. I had already ordered some a couple days ago when she and I were talking to this guy about it - and now I can't wait for it to arrive! I can't remember the last time I did that well in Zumba and sweat that much! I got tired towards the end and my back and knees still bothered me but I definitely had more to give.

Oh and this is the lowest weigh-in I've had, so that didn't hurt. :)

Anyways - like I said. I'm better.

Thank-You <3

Just Waiting...

 I'm struggling.
Looking for a way, looking for an answer
Hoping someone else can figure it out for me
I have no idea what is the right thing to do
I pride myself on making the right choices, even if they're not easy. But what's 'right' ? I have no clue right now.

Do I feed the entitlement? Do I sacrifice myself?
Do I continue to wait and hope, even though each day means I lose a little more of myself?

I try to hang onto the good times. They do exist. They're just so far and few between that it's hard to remember what they are sometimes. Or how they made me feel.

Usually, I feel alone. Lost. Like I'm walking on a tread mill, up a hill, in the dark and I have no idea what I'll find at the end of my journey - if anything at all. I see nothing, I feel nothing. But pain. And tears. And loneliness.

I have no one in my day to day life that supports or encourages me. I give, and give, and give, and give until there's NOTHING left. And then I give some more.

Just waiting, hoping - someday, maybe - someone here will SEE me. And care. And act like they care. And show me they care.

I'm just waiting........

I Am Trying To Understand...

A few things...

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love being able to keep in touch and up to speed with friends and family all across the globe. What I dislike is how frustrated I get when I read some people's posts.

We all have opinions. Neither of us is right or wrong - that's the simple fact of the matter. So long as it is an opinion and you're not trying to pass it off as a 'fact', then I have no beef. But that doesn't mean you don't hurt my head (and sometimes my heart) With that said, I am sure I do the same to some of you.

There's a few things; some light-hearted, some heavy - that have been on my mind lately. I haven't made any Facebook posts about them because I'm not interested in debates. I was hoping it would just go away and I could move on and forget about it but some folks continue to post over and over and over - and there's apparently no ignoring it.

Pokemon Go - For the love of God, stop being so petty. I think the game is pretty stupid. I downloaded it to see what all the craze was about. I 'caught' a couple Pokemon. It didn't excite me, if anything it was humorous. What's not humorous are the people getting all bent out of shape about it. It is a game and it is NOT hurting anyone. Those people getting hurt or doing stupid things are stupid people, doing stupid things. Stop blaming the damn game.

Parents have never-ending complaints about how 'kids-now-a-days' don't go outside anymore. All they do is sit inside on their phones and play games. Well - now they're outside. And you're still complaining! "The kids are making so much noise" "They're walking all around town, being unsafe" "There's kids in my yard! Get Out!"

I get it; some people are stupid. But rather than ban your child from the game - or rather than demand Pokemon shut this travesty down. Why not TALK to your kids? Why not educate them on the importance on being smart and safe and making the right choices? How about giving them limitations such as; no playing after dark. Do not enter private property. Don't cross busy streets.  Don't go down dark alleys. Do not play this game without a buddy. Take accountability for your kids being idiots and teach them what it means to interact with society and be outside.

Nice, France - For those unaware, there's been a tragedy in Nice, France. A suspected terrorist drove a bus into a crowd of people and killed over 80 civilians. It's heart breaking, devastating and scary. I cannot tell you how many people have I seen on my Facebook use this tragedy to support their argument about gun laws in the USA. Some even went so far as to make a joke about it. "Time to ban buses! Let's tighten up bus-laws"

.............................. I get you're passionate about your guns.  I get you want to own a gun. That's fine by me. Go for it. But for the love of God have some class. Show some empathy. Support your cause - but don't do it at the expense of a tragedy like this.

I pray and I hope that this level of ignorance is short-lived. That people truly, truly can see the difference between civilians carelessly taking lives and terrorist attacks. I pray and I hope that people out there understand that it's not funny when someone... drives a bus into a crowd people. Or when someone ignites a bomb and blows up a train station ... or when someone flies an airplane into a building. That. Is. Not. Funny.

Good Times and Bad Times - We all have highs and lows in our lives. For me personally, it's been a difficult 2 years really. I've had some super highs and I've had some mega lows. It's during those low times that I knew who was there for me. I want you to know I haven't, nor will I ever - forget. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

I also won't forget those who weren't there. Those who didn't reach out. Who all but ignored me. (Or actually did ignore me) I won't ever forget. You've damaged our relationship and sadly you're probably so wrapped up in your own little world to even notice. If you're not going to be there for the tough times, then I don't want you there for the good times. You broke my heart and to this day, I can't think about it without crying. Strangers, people I have never met in my life - checked in, sent prayers, love and encouragement. But there are some of you, who never said a damn thing. To be honest, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't even think you knew what had transpired. But you did. I forgive you because I have to, to move on with my life. But I won't ever forget. And if, God Forbid, you ever need your friends and family in the manner in which I did - I hope you never understand how I feel.

Peace Out.

Ups, Downs, Inside Outs

We all have our moments when we feel up, down and torn inside out. More often than not, things don't make sense and it's hard to piece together the fragments of our lives that leave us bewildered and confused. Struggling to  take the next step in the 'right' direction.

We are all so imperfect. The world is a massive, messed-up melting pot of sins and blessings, it's no wonder we often don't know which way is up. The past couple years have been the year of 'Opinions'. Everyone seems to have one about everything. Whatever the latest news trend is on Facebook, becomes the focus of everyone's world and we all become an authority on it. It's exhausting.

People use social network mediums in their own way. Some barely post, some divulge every single move they make throughout the day, some use it to keep in touch with long long friends and families, others use it to annoy their friends (even if they don't know they're doing it). There's often a lot of things I want to post but I don't because I don't want your opinion (Or anyone's). I never understand those who post vague and less than descriptive messages but respond to people with "I don't want to talk about it" or "inbox me for details". Seeking attention much? Sadly, I see this literally five times a week from different people and I have absolutely no doubt I've done it myself. Just a big ole pot of lame.

New Subject: Goals.

They're tough sometimes. We want to strive for better and we don't even mind the hard work, but what if you never get there? It's so discouraging to put in so much effort and never yield the results you desire. But you've got to try. Because if you don't put forth the effort, then you're guaranteeing yourself to fail.

I was having this discussion with my 18 year old Step daughter the other night. She told me she has 'tried' to curve some bad habits and I said "No, you haven't." Making an effort a single, solitary time isn't trying. Trying has to be on-going and consistent. You don't do something one day and then stop and say "Well, I tried"

Whether it be exercise, relationships, employment - whatever your goal may be - if you want to thrive, you need to strive. Every day. Every chance you get. And you never quit. Because you only fail when you fail to try.

No one demands perfection. It doesn't exist. But YOU should demand the best from yourself. You should demand yourself to never stop trying, never stop striving to be better than you were yesterday. Sure you'll hit a bump or two along the way but persevere. Stick with it. you'll get there.

My Tongue Fell Off

There's so much drivel being sprouted on Facebook these days, it's enough to make my head spin. We live in an era where everyone is an expert, and not only has an opinion, but feels it their God given right to share it with everyone. (Much like I am doing right now? The irony isn't lost)

I am fine with opinions. I just don't understand why some people insist on forcing theirs down the throats of innocent Facebook scrollers over every. single. thing. the media decides to focus on. 

Because, by all means - they're not discussing topics close to their heart or that they've spent years fighting and supporting. They're simply voicing their thick-witted two cents on whatever narrative happens to be on the 5 O'Clock news. They're pointing fingers on who is right or wrong and what should be done about it but you know damn well they wouldn't lift one single finger to help make that change possible. Hell no, their fingers are too busy typing Facebook novels every day.

Everyone knows who the best president would be for the USA (especially those that don't live here), everyone is an expert in parenting, gun safety and control, terrorist and wall building. I can't even type this stuff, it hurts my head - so I'm not going to waste another minute on it. 

What I will talk about is something more close to my heart. Something I have to remind myself of daily. Life is good and life is precious but it isn't always easy. In fact, it rarely is. I've often told people "if it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it" but sometimes that sounds like such bullshit rhetoric that even I can't handle the verbosity that comes out of my mouth. Why can't it be a little easier?

It can be. 

But you have to do your part. 

If you are married - love your spouse fully. Even when you don't like them. Take every single opportunity to try and make their life a little better, a little happier, a little more worth while. Kiss them, hold them, rub their back - be their best friend.

If you are a child - love your parents fully. Help make their life easier by doing what you're told, when you're told, and how you're told. If you say you're going to do something - do it. You counted on them your whole life - sometimes, they count on you. Don't let them down.

If you're a parent - love your children fully. They're going to make mistakes, they're going to make you mad and one thing I'm trying to learn, is it is not always our job to teach them lessons. Sometimes, it is our job to forgive. To love them anyways. 

If you're a friend - love your friends fully. Appreciate them, include them, check in on them. Don't always talk about yourself. Sometimes, a friend is all a person needs. Someone to listen, to laugh and most of all - to care. Be a friend.

If you're a human being - love your fellow humans fully. You don't have to agree with every choice they make.  You don't have to eat the same foods or worship the same Gods. But the more love, compassion and empathy you show for your fellow human beings, the easier life is for everyone. Be humble. Be kind.


So when you're done having an opinion on how to make life better or easier, maybe you can find time to reach out to someone - anyone - and actually do something that makes a positive change in this world. The power is in your hands.

Validate & Appreciate

It doesn't take much to show someone you love and appreciate them. Especially when it comes to people of the female gender. We don't need expensive gifts or outlandish acts/expressions to feel adored and cherished. All we need are the little things, that are meant for only us. A kiss good-morning, a hug hello, a slap on the ass if you're feeling giddy.

When it comes to gifts, the price tag doesn't matter. Just the thought. It's not about how much money you invested into the present, moreso how inspired you are by the intended recipient. You could buy a music lover the most fancy drum set in the world but if they don't play the drums - it won't make much sense. But if they're a guitar player and you search out a pick with an engraved photo of their favorite artist - now that is going to be impressive. Even if it only cost you 25 cents.

Mother's Day was this past weekend. I know, by some people's standards, I'm not a 'real mom'. I've never given birth or adopted a child. But I do spend a great deal of time and money assisting others to raise their children so whether I deserve it or not - I like to think I've earned a day in the sun on Mother's Day.

Facebook was bombarded with post upon post with people giving love to their mom's. It was wonderful but I won't pretend I wasn't glad when Monday rolled around and my feed was a little less flowery. Ha.

There were a few things that annoyed me though;

1. Mother's Day is for Mother's. Not Father's. I don't care if you're raising a child alone - the day is intended for females. Just like Father's Day is intended for males.  Yes, I fully understand there are parents who 'fill both roles' but that's such a backass backwards way of viewing the world now-a-days, it kind of makes my blood boil.

You are a parent. Parent is no longer just a noun, it is a verb. You parent. You raise your child. That involves certain tasks. Whether it be taking them to little league, washing their clothes, helping them with their homework -whatever - these roles are no longer defined by gender. Mother's Day is not defined as a day to celebrate the parent who does the laundry. It is designed to celebrate the female in the parental relationship.

When you introduce yourself to your child's teacher do you say - "Hey! I am Adam's mother and father" ? Of course you don't because that would be stupid.

So if you're a single parent - you'll get your day, you just don't get both. Unless you have both the x and the y chromosome and somehow had sex with yourself and delivered your own baby. Then you can have both. And your own realty tv show.

Some people always gripe that mother's (and father's) should be appreciated every day of the year and not just one a Sunday in May (or June or whenever). Right. I don't disagree. But what's the harm in having one day that is just a little more special than the rest? On the flip side, there's nothing more special than a national holiday to bring emphasis to just how little your efforts are appreciated. So there's a definite negative among the chaos.

At the end of the day - every day - make sure you can reflect back and say "Yep, I took every opportunity to make sure those I love, know they're appreciated" Because they may not be there tomorrow. Life is precious and short and unpredictable. Don't wait until tomorrow to do what you can accomplish today!

The Life Of Live

On Facebook, life is different. Some people act as though they're mother of the year (when in reality, everyone else on the planet is raising their child), others act as if their marriage is amazing-and-perfect (when in reality, they're cheating on their spouse), some act tough-like nothing could ever get them down (when in reality, they're falling apart from the inside out), some act like they're victims of well.. everything (when in reality, they're psycho and are 100% responsible for all of their problems) - the list goes on.

Truth is - nothing is perfect. Life is not designed to be a series of Pinterest posts. It is hard and fragile but has the potential to be oh-so-wonderful if you appreciate the blessings you have around you and every day you're given on this earth. I know, I know. Some days that is easier said than done.

You get out of life what you put in it. If you stand around waiting for the world to thank you for existing and put zero effort into your relationships (marriage, children, parental, siblings, friends) then you're going to get zero effort returned. 

If you sit on your thumbs and wait for everyone else to solve your problems, eventually they'll give up on you and the world as you know it, will fall apart. 

If you lie, steal, break rules and disrespect the people who support, encourage and make your life even possible - eventually they'll reach their bullshit capacity and you'll be swimming in a stinky mess that is your life.

You have a choice. Contribute to society or don't. Contribute to your family or don't. Be a good husband, wife, mother, father, daughter, son, sibling, parent - or don't. The choice is absolutely, entirely and completely yours.  And so will the consequences. Those will be yours too. The good, the bad, the ugly. You are responsible for how your life turns out. You. Only you.

If you find yourself going through a lot of relationships. If you find yourself having to start-over all the time. If you find yourself fighting with everyone. If you find yourself being yelled at all the time. If you find yourself being broke more than you're not. If you find yourself buried in bills every month. Who is the common denominator? 

Me? I find myself frustrated. And sad. A lot. And I know it's my fault. I have absolutely no patience left. None. I have endured all I can and the tiniest things make me want to explode (or implode) It's up to ME to fix that. I have to make some difficult decisions or commit to some difficult choices. But I do need to take my own advice and do something different because clearly, what I am doing isn't working. I can't rely on other people to help me get to where I need to be to feel happy and less frustrated. So it's up to me. It's always been up to me.