Good Riddance 2014!

It's amazing how, an otherwise decent year, can be dampened by grief. Up until October, I would've said 2014 was a good year but it all went downhill fast and I am glad to see it go. 

I'm not going to focus this entry on what has happened - good or bad. Rather, I am going to focus on the future. So during my next few minutes of erratic typing, I am going to explore some personal thoughts, as well as offer some advice to any unknowing eyes that may happen across this.

Life - regardless of how good or bad it seems - is a blessing and it should be treated as such. Spend less time complaining about everything that is wrong and more time being thankful for everything that is right. And if you're so miserable in being yourself that you can't find anything right, feel free to touch base with me and I'll help you pull your head out of your ass.

Let Go - The past is just that, the past. Harping about it, crying about it, shoving it down people's throat every time something new happens, gets old.  So you got dumped, lost a job, car broke down - whatever it is that keeps haunting you - find peace and let it go. I know it's easier said than done but the first step is trying.

Take Initiative - I am as guilty as this as the next guy but some people take this to extremes. If you're unhappy or think your life is unfulfilled - do something about it. On your own. Stop waiting for the world to fix your fucked up existence for you. If you're on the verge of growing up - do it. It's going to happen anyways, so it may as well be on your terms. Stop being lazy, stop making excuses and be the driver of your own fate.

Which leads me to my next rant;

If you're going to do something. Just do it. Stop telling the world about it, seriously. Close your mouth and make it happen. The more you boast about it, the less people believe you're going to do it and ultimately, the less people care. If you're making these continuous posts as a thinly veiled 'threat' or you have some other delusional reason behind it - you're not fooling anyone. You're just making yourself look like a psycho. So if you want a new job, get one. Starting a 'new you', leaving everyone behind. Adios! Going to join that gym after-all - right. Good. Best of Luck.

Seriously, shut-up with the dramatics. Think "Less Talking - More Doing".

As for me? I'm going to try to follow my own advice. I am also going to work on loving myself more. Maybe if I care more about me, others will follow suit. If not, their loss! :D

Tis' The Season

... to feel lonely.

It's not that I've never felt this way before, because I have. More often than I probably care to remember. I just find myself having an exceptionally difficult time feeling 'happy' this holiday season. And it's not just because I am feeling the loss of Poppy and Patches or missing my family that is scattered out all around North America. It's more than that. 

I look around at the relationships surrounding me in my immediate, every day life and I guess I am feeling less than fulfilled. It seems everyone's first priority is someone other than me, myself included. People are too busy thinking of themselves or someone they think more important than me. I feel like I can never measure up, or what I do is never enough. The things I say or request of people (which I consider to be very little) go in one ear and out the other. No one in my "Kentucky" life, ever asks me how I am, how my day is going or any sort of inquiry into my personal well-being. And if I try to share it on my own accord, the conversation soon changes tide or is completely unacknowledged.

I know people care about me, maybe even love me - I just wish I 'felt' it in an every day presence, rather than an occasional glimpse. I don't normally express this type of emotion out loud but Christmas is in three days and I need to release this gloom 'somehow'. I desperately want to feel festive and I don't know what I can do to escape the dark clouds.

So I wrote it down. Can't say I feel better but at least it's out there. For no one to read...

Relationships - Does He Really Love You?

Don't be surprised but Faebook has once again inspired a thought to be formed in my brain. This doesn't happen often so I like to put pen to paper when it does. 

I don't know if it's the season and people are naturally inclined to try and out do one another, to keep up with the Jones' so to speak - but it seems like more and more people are putting on a charade about their life being so close to perfect that even the angels in heaven would be jealous.

While this covers pretty much every topic you could imagine, I am going to zone in on one area in particular - relationships. There are people who are almost unrecognizable now. And I am not talking just physically - though even that seems to have changed - but people you've known for years, knew their beliefs, their values and their life priorities - Well it all seems a distant memory. 

These people have one thing in common and that's that they've entered into a new relationship. The newest, latest and greatest 'love of their life'. It seems they're going to great lengths to change themselves and re-write their past to accommodate their future and, quite frankly, it makes no sense and gives me cause for concern for them.

Naturally, when you enter a new relationship you have to blend your worlds together equally. You each may make small sacrifices and changes to better your relationship and inevitably - better yourself as an individual. However, if you completely turn yourself into someone new in an effort to make someone else happy - you're only going to end up hurt and alone. 

Because they don't love you.

And no amount of changing is going to make them love you. They may think they love you. They may even try to convince you (and themselves) daily. But chances are if you find yourself giving more, changing more, sacrificing more - you're also going to lose more. If you have anything left to lose, that is.

You're not reinventing yourself, you're losing yourself. You're erasing everything you've ever been and believed in, in an effort to make your partner love you. This seems to be happening in both genders but women are taking the crown. 

So ladies - this is for you. Be yourself. Love yourself as you are. You shouldn't have to change jobs, change your style, make new friends or anything else super life altering like that to make your man happy.

And fellas - If you're spending less time with your kids, growing facial hair you truly can't stand or feel yourself being cut off from the world - or completely sucked into hers. You need your own identity. 

Love is a wonderful thing but it should be natural, not forced. Real, not fake. Do yourself and your new relationship a favor and get back to the basics, back to what's really important and make sure you're not giving yourself away in the name of 'love'.

If you feel like you're constantly trying to measure up - chances are you never will.

God Knows I Am Trying...

Today is Thanksgiving in the USA. I am supposed to be feeling grateful. I may have had some difficult things to deal with this month but even with that considered, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know I am blessed and I know, even on my worst days, my life is better than a lot of others on their best.

But it's still hard. I find myself overwhelmed lately with emotions I don't know how comprehend or deal with. After Poppy's funeral, we took the kids Trick or Treating and something about that just felt so right. It seemed weird to have been on the verge of choking on my tears at the graveyard to laughing and joking around a mere few hours later. But it felt right. I know Poppy was looking down on us, smiling from ear to ear with that special twinkle in his eye. 

But I've been depressed ever since. Tired. Drained. I thought something was honest to God wrong with me. I went so far as to buy a pregnancy test in Canada because I felt so off. I was deliriously happy to get back to Kentucky because of all the stress that accompanied my flight home but that didn't last long. I got very sick shortly after returning home and just as I was getting better, Patches started getting bad. 

So I sit here today, on Thanksgiving, knowing I should be thankful. Knowing I am blessed and have so many amazing and caring people in my life. But I just can't shake that little black cloud hanging over my head. I keep focusing on the heaviness in my heart. Everytime I close my eyes I see painful images that I just want to forget. I sit here and try to force myself to remember the good times and funny stories and it's as if I draw a blank. As if they never existed. And when I do manage a laugh in my everyday life, I almost feel guilty.

I've never experienced grief before and I guess this is all a part of it. I know, the proverbial 'time' is what is supposed to make everything better and God willing it will. I don't want to wish my life away but I long for those days when I can smile without pain, laugh without heartache and feel thankful without bitterness.

Hurry-Up and Wait.

Sometimes - It Feels Good To Cry

I Have Had A Rough Month

Monday October 27, 2014 - My Poppy passed away. It was sudden and unexpected and beyond difficult to comprehend. He wasn't without health issues but I suppose I thought he would live forever. Travelling there and home, being away from my husband, kids and pets and seeing and feeling such pain and grief was one of the most difficult times of my life.

Then I got sick. Like really sick. For over a week I battled a wicked awful combination of a cold, cough and stomach bug.

Then Patches got sick.

Monday November 24, 2014 - My baby girl, Patches passed away. In hind sight it all started a week or so before. Small personality changes but during the weekend, things progressed at an alarming rate and my poor baby was basically begging me with her sweet puppy eyes to help her release the pain.

It was the most difficult decision I have ever made, in my entire life. My world turned upside down as I questioned everything that was holy. How could I play God? Who was I to determine when it was 'time' ? Everyone kept telling me "You will just know. She would tell you. You will feel it in your heart".

But I didn't. Not then. I didn't know and it scared me to death. She seemed to be getting worse so quickly but I didn't want to give up! What if it wasn't the cancer? She lived with it for so long. What if it was a stomach bug and she would recover? How long is too long? How many days do I wait to see if she gets better without being selfish and making her suffer?

Then I woke up Monday morning and came down to the office where she was sleeping. Two weeks ago, she would've gotten up to greet me. One week ago, she would have sat up to greet me. One day ago, she would've raised her head. She didn't move. I couldn't touch her at first. I had to wait and see if I saw her chest rise. I did. And then we made eye connection. And I knew. :*-(

I cried. I called out to my husband. I went outside and sobbed so hard I couldn't see straight. I tried to see if she could stand up. Twice. Chad tried to tell me to give it time but I knew there wasn't any left. She was ready to go home and it was up to me to help her. I spent a couple hours just holding her. Telling her I loved her. Telling her how proud of her I was and how she was the most courageous puppy I have ever known. I told her how much I loved her and how much she has enriched my life. I got the opportunity to kiss her, take a couple photos, pet her and love on her. Then I told her it was okay to go. Those may have been some of the most heart wrenching moments I've ever experienced but I know I am so blessed to have had them.

Tuesday November 25, 2014 - I dreaded waking up and starting my morning. I knew my life had to go on but I didn't want it to go on without her. I came down to the office like I did every morning. And I still said "Gooood Morning...... Good Morning Patches (as I gripped her collar in my hand) Good Morning Butthead (my other dog Shadows' nickname)"

Then I cried. I let Shadow out and sat down in my comfy blue chair and I cried some more. Shadow came inside, jumped on me and I cried again.

Then the vet called and told me the ashes were ready. I was going to wait and ask Chad to get them but I couldn't. I needed to do it myself. I rushed to the shower and went and picked my baby girl up and brought her home. But oh yes, I cried one of those ugly wailing cries that you think are only real in the movies. 


After work, I went to the grocery store and felt it start. I managed to keep it in until I got to the car and cried into my window. Then I came home and went to the bathroom. And I cried.

I feel such emptiness. Such pain. Such hurt. And the ONLY thing that makes me feel okay is when I cry. I let it out.

I wish like hell I had my Poppy and my Puppy back. Just one more day. I wish I didn't have to cry. But in moments when my heart is so full of grief and sadness - I am so thankful I have these tears.

Sometimes - it feels good to cry.

Ranking Friends

There are people on my Facebook who seem to like to rank their friends. Yes, most people on this planet have a best friend or two but why rank people? Do you realize when you single out one or two people for being amazing, you make the rest of us assholes who listen to your endless list of bullshit feel like complete idiots? While you're busy moaning about how un-awesome your life is, we listen, we encourage, we sometimes tell you the truth (you're an asshat) but they're the awesome ones? Why? Because they shine so much sun up your ass and make you feel like you're Queen Sheeba when in truth you're a fucking annoying, over-dramatic attention-whore?

Oops.

Guess I'm not awesome anymore. That's okay, I didn't like you much when we were in High School either, what makes you think I like you now?

Parenting - Being Unbiased

I still consider myself relatively new to the whole parenting thing, even though I've been doing it for four years.  I, obviously, have a life-time of learning ahead of me but as a step-parent, I have a unique perspective.

There is no doubt in my mind that I love all of my step-kids and have a special connection with the two that I have had a hand in raising these past few years. With that considered, I still did not contribute to their birth and I don't have the 'blinders' on that it seems some parents have.

Why is it that some folks who contribute to, or give birth to a child  - suddenly develop the inability to see their offspring for who/what they really are? I am not saying this is a bad thing, I think your parent should be your biggest fan! However, as an outsider looking in, I sometimes have the ability to see past the charade into the 'truth' of the matter which is often hidden by the 'blinders'.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch, I am not trying to say any of my step children are monsters by any stretch of the imagination. Facebook is the fueling source for many of my rants and this one is not any different. I see friends posting about how outraged they are to how their child is being treated. I see the children themselves acting like ass hats and the parents offering their "Rah ha ha's" from the sidelines. And it makes me wonder. Do they not see it? Do they genuinely not comprehend that their child is making a damn fool of themselves?

So then I look inwardly at my own life. My husband is a pretty tough guy on the exterior. To be frank, he could've written the damn book on 'tough love'. When it comes to his youngest daughter, it's almost as though she can do no right. But when it comes to his youngest - the boy - the only boy. The sun shines squarely out of his ass. I won't lie, it's frustrating. Because I am not wearing blinders and I am genuinely trying to be fair and consistent with both children. I get there is a lot of history but we can't parent today based upon actions in the past. We have to take each behavioral issue at face value and react appropriately.

There's been an incident recently regarding my stepsons behavior on the bus and how the driver is handling it. Initially, all hell was risen because there was no way the boy deserved it, he's an innocent little angel. Yeah. Right. No. He's not. Sorry.

But he IS a five year old boy and really quite well behaved considering some of his counter parts, so I conceded that something was amiss. After looking into it a bit more, it seems that every day brings about more information in favor of the Bus Driver being a total dip shit. I am fairly confident that my stepson deserved getting in trouble a time or two but at this point, it seems as if 'said bus driver' - needs a swift kick in the ass. Or am I being bias? Do I have blinders on too? How do you ever really know? You want to believe in your kids but how do you ever find the 'real' truth?

All I know is right now, when I consider my own life. I want to spit in the bus drivers face for acting like a total baboon-assed bastard and making my step son cry. I don't care who you are or what blinders you're wearing, that shit ain't right.

People - They Kind Of Suck

I enjoy people, conversation and laughter. I thrive in a social atmosphere where I am able to interact, learn, grow and appreciate another person's perspective. But people still suck. Certain kind of people especially - have a very large level of suckage and I want to dedicate this blog to those fine folks I wish I didn't know.

The Takers - These are the people who take, take, and take until you have nothing left to give. The same ones who disappear off the face of the earth until they need something. Those who cannot be bothered to touch base on important holidays let alone call just to say 'hi'. The ones who clearly take more from a relationship than they give. These people suck.

The Fakers - You know the kind. The ones who are nice to your face but then turn around and bash for absolutely no reason. It doesn't matter that you've been kind, caring and considerate to them. It doesn't matter that you've included them in your life and accepted them for who they are. They're still assholes and they still suck.

Busy Bodies - I don't mean those nosey folks who get in your business (but yes, they suck too) I am talking about those people who are just so 'busy' all the time. All day, every day. As if they're the god damn president of the USA. The ones that go on and on about how much they have to do and no time to do it. The ones who can't find five minutes in their day to say hello because they're so damn busy. It makes me tired just thinking about how BUSY they are. I mean their day is jam-packed I don't know how they find the time to breath! And if you haven't gathered -  I am sarcastic as the day is long. There isn't a person on the goddamn planet whose life is THAT busy so get the fuck over yourselves already. You Suck.


The "Me-doms" -  Let me talk about myself for the next twenty minutes. I'll listen to you for about fifty seconds and then I'll tell you how I totally know what you're saying because of something I went through in my life and then I'll carry on about myself  - yet again. Or better yet, I won't ask you one thing. Not ONE thing about how you are or your day is because I'm too busy talking about mine. Yes, I suck.

Do-For-Me'ers - These are those awesome folks who expect everyone else to do everything for them. Who act as if the world owes them something purely due to the fact that they exist. As if they're entitled to something 'just because'. Here's my advice. If you want something - you work for it. You work hard. You plan. And when you have the time and finances, you can have it. Until then. Work a little harder and shut the hell up because you're suckage is ruining my day.

That's enough for now. :)

Facebook Drama

With the invention of the internet, especially Social Media, came what I call - Keyboard Warriors. You know the type. Those who are rough and tough, in your face and claim to be 'telling it like it is' while they are tucked nicely behind the comfort of their monitor.

We've all encountered them, we may even have been them a time or two. Truth of the matter is, it's easier to let your emotions out when you don't have to stare the consequences in the face. However, easier isn't always better.


 This kind of tactless approach is most common in areas where you can hide behind an alias and not show you true identity but there is another branch of  'Keyboard Warrioring" that has revved up my thought process today.
 
Facebook has created a breeding ground for dramatic people to totally engulf themselves in their own self importance and often times they even fool themselves into thinking that people actually care. It's become a place where these DL's (Drama Lovers) gravitate to in an effort to 'call' out people  - but it's never done directly - of course not - that would take balls. Instead, it is a generic statement meant to offend a few but hidden behind the guise of a 'message for all'.

If you really were as tough as you act, you would've either tagged the people it's in reference to (Because it is highly unlikely it's a message to all 500 of your Facebook friends) or you would've done it the old fashioned way and paid your pal a little visit face to face.

If you have a message meant for one or two or ten people - why would you post it on Facebook for
all the world to see? Why do you think anyone cares? Why wouldn't you approach those individuals as, oh I dunno, individuals.

Because that would take courage. That would require you to not be a keyboard warrior and address a situation head-on. Like someone who actually was mature. And that's not who you are is it? No. You're one of those people who post bullshit post upon bullshit post victimizing yourself, acting like your life is so bad or there are so many people against you. Acting as if you didn't bring every goddamn thing wrong in your life, upon yourself.

Man up buttercup. You made your bed, you lie in. Accept responsibility. Be accountable. And if you don't like it, change the sheets and try keeping your dirty laundry off of Facebook. Clean it up in real life and maybe you won't have so much to bitch about.

Just Sayin'

Let's Get Controversial!

Many moons ago, when I started this blog I knew I wouldn't write. At least not regularly. For once in my life I was right! There have been several occasions when I felt like letting my fingers run rampage and spouting off to the world about something that I felt passionate about at the time but I either forgot about it or didn't feel quite as passionately as I thought I did.

Today is a little different. I have something on my mind that has been building up for quite awhile. Recent events and conversations here in Kentucky-Land continues to fuel this raging fire inside my heart, body and soul. And truly, considering the name of this blog and approach I've taken, it truly fits. If you're reading this you are about to embark upon a journey that will act as a true testament to a Canadian living in Kentucky.

And So It Begins:

It is important you keep in mind, I am about to speak in generalities. My opinions and/or perceptions are just that - MINE. I am not speaking for every Canadian nor am I speaking of every American.

Moncton, New Brunswick: Canada.

A sea of Red RCMP Officers honouring the fallen heros of the recent Moncton Gunman. For those of you who aren;t familiar with what I am talking about. Last week, three RCMP Officers were gunned down and killed by a civilian who was walking around in camo carrying a barrage of guns. This made national headlines in Canada. It was even covered on our local news here in Kentucky.

My initial instinct: Wow, they're covering this in Kentucky? There were only three people killed.

There were only three people killed. Yes, that thought went through my head. I was instantly ashamed. When speaking about it with my husband, those exact words came out of his mouth. Since that moment there have been various conversations in this household about not only the Moncton shooting but the larger picture at hand.

This is a map view of all the shootings that occurred in the United States since the Sandy Hook Elementary incident in Newtown, Connecticut. Shootings at K-12 schools in red, at colleges/universities in purple.  To date that is 74 shootings. Countless lives. This is not a map representing gang violence.

This map came from a Facebook post by WPSD (Local News Station). The comments I read there this morning was the proverbial "final straw" for me, which inspired me to write. I have something to say, a perspective to give that if I don't put pen to paper I might implode from pure frustration.

Disclaimer: I respect everyone's opinions on Gun Laws. I am not saying I am right but I am saying this is my opinion, just as you have yours.


Here We Go:

I have had the debate too many times to mention and it boils my blood to say the least. Guns are dangerous. If they're not being used by professionals in the line of defense (Cops, Military) or for hunting, they have absolutely no place in our society. I understand wanting to protect your family from danger but the cons far outweigh the positives and it is about time society at large stops yelling and starts listening.

There is a reason that the Moncton Shooting made national and international news. There is a reason that a good percentage of Canadians changed their Facebook pictures to honor the fallen RCMP Officers. There is a REASON that people were so outraged, angry, scared... even if there were only three people killed. Because that kind of thing just doesn't happen that often in Canada. Civilians don't just walk into schools or movie theaters and blow the heads off innocent children every other month. It just. doesn't. happen. 

Ask yourself why? What is the biggest difference between Americans and Canadians when it comes to this particular subject?  Guns. Accessibility.

I've lived in the USA for approximately three years and yes, things are different here but not that different. There's still a ton of good people, hard working people just like they have back home. I will not concede to believe that the American Population is that unstable compared to Canadians. We all watch the same television programs, are taught basically the same things in school, we read the same books, speak large-in-part the same language. We're not that different.

So why is it that those living in the USA are almost desensitized to these tragic, merciless killings? Why is it when we turn on the television and see three people were gunned down in Canada, we wonder "What's the big deal, only three people were killed."

I was reading some of the comments posted on the WPSD Facebook Page this morning. A few brave souls dared to speak out against guns. Saying the laws needed to be tightened and people needed to be educated about the dangers of fire arms. I was proud of them. Then suddenly it became overwhelming obvious that those voices were few and far between and quickly became the minority. People started bashing those lone voices, defending their constitutional rights, degrading and insulting anyone who dare threaten their right to bear arms.

And it was that ^^ that lead me to this.

It absolutely blows my goddamn mind that people in this country are more concerned about protecting their right to bear arms than they are about protecting their children and fellow civilians.  That they are more concerned that someone may break into their house and steal a television - than they are that someone may break into a school and viciously murder 26 innocent people.

So while you're busy yelling and pounding your chest in defense of your precious guns, let me remind you WHY Canada is different. Or why Great Britain different.  Gun Laws. You can't go into your local hardware store and buy a fucking gun. They're not accessible to just 'anyone'. I fully realize that if someone wants to commit a crime, they're going to find a way. But these senseless shootings, the ones that I am talking about here; They're not being done by your standard 'criminal'. They're being done by that kid who lives down the street who is a little bit strange. That college student, who has too much time on his hands. Those people don't have access to guns in Canada.

So keep yelling. Keep protecting your guns and screaming at the top of your lungs "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" and then I'll give you a goddamn stick and see how much damage you can do.

/End Rant.

Cantucky, Eh?

I am a Canadian - living in Kentucky. That really isn't blog worthy on it's own, so to speak but it's a good start. I have had several blogs over the years and they've all pretty much been a failure in terms of longevity, readership and topics of interest. But here I am again. At least you can't call me a quitter. And if you do, well ...*insert expletives*

This blog will be about pretty much nothing and everything all wrapped into one nice, neat little package. I am not domestic, but I try to be - and fail often. I work on the greatest website in the world and generally get some pretty interesting "I can't believe that actually happened" encounters via this vast spanse known as the world wide web.

I am a wife, a step-mother, a sister, an aunt, and a daughter. (and everything else that comes with being a woman who was birth'ed).  I have a loving family, who weighs slightly on the weird side , spread out all across North America. And lastly, but not leastly I have two fur babies which drive me up the wall and back down daily. That's me in a nutshell. My blog will cover all of those not-so-exciting things and will likely be in the form of rants, raves and ridiculousness. I don't promise to be entertaining, I don't promise to be exciting. I don't even promise to write ever again. But if I do - I guess I'll see you then!