Looking Back On 2016

At the end of every year, I find myself taking a look back to reflect. I cringe at the bad, cry over the painful and laugh at the good. It's always a mixed bag of emotions. I've actually learned a lot about myself this year.

I Give Too Much - I constantly sacrifice myself, my emotions, my hopes, dreams, desires and time - for everybody else. A little self-sacrifice is okay but constantly and always is relentless. This year, I said no more. I still give a lot but I have limits now. I'll only bend so far and then I wash my hands with it. It's a learned art. I haven't perfected it. Sadly, it's resulted in me caring less but as morbid as it sounds - I have to. I have to care less about others in order to care more about me. I do have some 'balanced' relationships in my life but for those that weren't balanced - they're the ones I let go of. At least a little bit.

I Don't Like Fake - Who does, right? But I really don't like it. I have been faced with some scenarios this year that have left me disappointed to the core. People who act a certain way or spin a specific story - only in an effort to manipulate you or take off the heat. Then they turn around and continue being the super big asshole they've always been. Reality Check? Those who know you, the real you, they know you're being fake. All these stories you're spinning to everyone else to make them believe you're a victim - they'll eventually get to know you too. And when they do, they'll discard you like dirty trash. So be careful who you're being fake with. Watch who you make the monster out to be. It will only bite you in the ass. Be real. Be you. And if you don't like being you, or showing people who you really are - then change. Do things different. Be someone people want to be around. Make yourself proud. If you constantly find yourself being left behind, un-cared for, alone - there's probably a reason. And it's not me.

I Hate Cancer - Who doesn't. I've seen a lot of posts lately about celebrities who passed away. People are all hating on 2016 because it took Carrie Fisher, Florence Henderson, David Bowie, etc., Yes, it is sad. Yes, a lot of iconic people died and some tragically and unexpectedly. But you know who's passings have left an impact on me? Mark Fassio. Mike Reddy, Anthony VanGundy, Brian Badstibner - just to name a few. These men all had the same cancer as Chad. They fought a hard battle and are now watching over their families from heaven.

I wish I could care more that Alan Thicke died. I loved watching him as a child. But I just can't because I am not as in touch with their stories. Chad is going on two years being Cancer Free. During that time I have met a lot of people battling the same fight. Some are doing well, others are not - some have passed on. People who were diagnosed after Chad - gone. People we met in person when Chad was in the hospital- gone. So when I look at my husband, who may be in pain but is still here - doing well - my heart aches for the wives of those men I mentioned. And the countless others I have met who have suffered and lost and continue to do so. Cancer may not be an every day thing for our family (God willing, knock on wood) but it's always there. It changed everything. Forever.

I Am Loyal - To a point.  I've always been very loyal. I realized recently - sometimes too loyal. You can devote everything you have to something and that doesn't mean it's appreciated or even understood. A word can destroy everything. I will continue being who I am but I'm going to try not to be too blind because loyalty doesn't always go both ways.

So with all that negativity out of the way - I can look back on 2016 and say, at least for my family - it was a pretty good year. Well - the last quarter. Not just because Chad got another clear scan (Though, that's amazing) and not just because we purchased a home (though that is really awesome). My marriage was better in general, I had less daily stress from other factors,  and I put more effort into myself and my happiness. Those are the things I want to focus on for 2017.

I learned some hard lessons this year. Sometimes you need to let go, stop caring and change focus. Good things can happen. Be patient. Work hard and always, always take time to love. Life is short. Embrace it. Cherish it. And never, ever take a day for granted. Each one on this planet is a blessing and should be treated as such.

To all of you out there who may stumble across this. May 2017 be an amazing year with more laughs than tears, more highs than lows and more love than you know what to do with <3

Brain Explosion

I have so much on my mind lately, I feel like my brain is going to explode straight out of my head. I don't even know where to begin.

There's this never-ending sea-saw effect in my life where I attempt to balance the happiness and hopefulness with the weariness and fear. Sometimes the scale tops a little in either direction and it's too much too handle. I live with the constant paranoia if something goes good, what does that mean is waiting for me around the corner that is going to upset my life? Of course Chad's health is my primary concern.

Aside from that, the events of my family and the world have my mind in spirals. I literally crave sleep every night. Not because I get rest but because - at least for a few minutes - I shut down and not obsess over every little thing from whether or not the house purchase will come through, if Chad's health will improve to if my step kids have everything they need for their next stage of life.

Being human is a complex ball of emotions.  I was raised to work hard and to never give up. Over the years I have learned that it is my responsibility to do things well,  not procrastinate and never, ever quit - to do everything I can to achieve the results I desire. I value honesty above all else and it is so unbelievably maddening when I see people close to me (or even just acquaintances) who act as though they're one way (usually a victim) when in reality, they're the most self-serving, egotistical and lackadaisical person on the planet. Those who claim they are superior and put on this heroic act when the truth is; for those who really know them ... Well they're nothing like the visage they put forth.

Another frustration lies with those people who you do everything for. You give them every ounce of energy and every benefit of a doubt and they, in return, don't give a rats ass. They'll treat a near-stranger better than they treat you and it leaves you pondering why you even bother.

On another note: Social media. Man, Facebook hurts my head. We live in a society where everyone is offended by everything and god forbid you have a different opinion. If people spent more time opening their tiny little minds instead of being offended by every Tom, Dick and Harry on the internet - they may actually grow, mature and learn something. Expand their thought process beyond their own comfortable little border and explore a land of possibility where everything isn't so black and white.

Then there are those who have opinions but do nothing about them. The election for example. I've seen people make prophetic statements about the state of their country but they've never done a lick of research or invested any time what-so-ever in learning what each party represented and what promises the platforms held. Nevermind the fact they didn't even bother to vote to begin with.I strongly believe if you don't educate yourself, if you don't vote - then you don't deserve to have an opinion. You didn't have one when it mattered, you don't get one now.

With all that ranting put aside. I am more happy today than I have been in a very long time. Little pieces of my life are coming together and while I worry about Chad constantly, I am so happy to have him with me and see him strong enough to push through each day. I am so blessed to have a man like him, a family like I have and the friends I call near and dear. All in all. It's a great day to be alive.

Another Year Has Passed

Ever since my brother fought for his life against Meningitis, I've always considered life a blessing.  When Chad got cancer, it just reconfirmed it. Life can change on a dime and we have to embrace each day as a gift, even when we're not feeling particularly thankful.

Today is my last day as a 35-year old. I will be turning the ripe old age of 36 which means I am one step closer to 40! I am not one of those who dreads aging but I do find myself a little on the depressed side but it has nothing to do with becoming a year older.

I'm certainly not living the life I was dreaming of living but I do have a lot of blessings. I don't make enough at my job to be rich but it gets the bills paid and I love the work I get to do everyday. I wish I owned my own home. I wish I had a fancy new car that I wasn't just waiting on to die. I wish this weight loss journey would be easier. I wish my marriage was better. I wish my step kids listened better and learned from their mistakes. I wish my family was closer. I wish I had more friends.

The list goes on and as I sat here typing this the thought crossed my mind "So does everyone else". I'm not special. We all have what we have and we all probably sometimes wish for more.. or better. Some of us are more content than others. Most days, I manage. Some days I am miserable. And once and awhile I'm even happy.

One thing is for sure. As each day passes and each birthday gets celebrated - it makes it abundantly clear that I am not getting any younger. I have been blessed with life and I need to get busy living it. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and if I really want change, to go after it. I am too young to settle for tears on my pillow. I have too much to offer the world to be tucked away, hiding from new experiences. So my birthday wish for me... is that I put time and energy into myself, my family, my friends... And help them be happy but also help myself.  It's amazing to Pay it Forward to others but sometimes it's good to pay it back to yourself.

Love Hurts

There's a lot of heartache and heart break around me lately. I even have some of my own (don't we all). I am seeing marriages and relationships fall apart everywhere I look and it breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart because it solidifies just how easily our world can come crumbling down around us and leave us broken, bruised and alone. Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world but being lonely pretty much sucks. It's such a devastating feeling to be surrounded by people, yet feel utterly and completely alone.

Some relationships were destined for disaster from the beginning. Some are toxic and if continued would only leave the person a mere skeleton of their former selves. But some ... are a fairy tale turned nightmare and it makes no logical sense why the parties involved can't see the forest for the trees and hang on for dear life.

I can't give relationship advice - I need it - but I can't give it. (lol) All I can tell you is if you love the person you're with, truly love them - even if you don't like them sometimes - show them just how important they are. Don't take them for granted. Don't assume they'll always be there. Celebrate them. Encourage them. Support them. Be their number one fan because chances are - they're yours.

If you screw up - say you're sorry. It could be the difference between your loved one crying themselves to sleep at night or falling asleep with peace in their heart. A little bit of love, a little bit of understanding - a little bit of compassion ... can go a long, long way.

If you're missing someone right now, or wondering how you'll make it alone ... I don't have the answer for you. But I know you will. Time is your best and worst friend right now and I pray you find the peace to move forward and the strength to keep going. Whatever your future will hold is left to be determined. All you can do right now is take it ... one day at a time.

Love Hurts.

Better

For anyone who stumbled across my post this morning - I am better. I felt compelled to write because that was uber depressing and I've had a bit of a turn-around.

I was feeling very, very low. And I am sure I will again sometime soon (lol) but today was a good day. Nothing super special happened but my perspective was adjusted a little.

My beautiful step-mother Nancy, read this blog, and reached out to me this morning before she went into work. It meant a lot and I guess I really needed someone to lean on and let me know I'm not alone. And I don't mean alone in the sense that I have no one there for me, etc., I mean more like: Sometimes I feel like I am going through things where there's no possible happy resolution. That I have the worst marriage or the biggest struggle with this or that. So it was re-assuring (albeit depressing lol) to know that a loving couple who has been married for 16 years has the same kind of ups and downs that I do. If they got through it, so can I right? And like my Dad said tonight when he called "It's not a sprint (to reach results), it's a marathon". So I just need to remain focused and keep my eye on the ball.

Nancy also reminded me that it's okay to want things, to want a support system and to not always have to be the the strong one. Sometimes I feel guilty for shouting "WHAT ABOUT ME?" because it's in my nature (as it is for most women) to want to fix things and put everyone else first. But sometimes, I need to be first. And that's okay. And if no one wants to make me first, then I will make me first.

That phone conversation turned my mood around significantly. I ended up having a very productive work day and a fantastic work out. A friend from the gym gave me some of her Energy supplement and (excuse the language) HOLY SHIT did it ever work. I have been scouring the planet for about two years for something to give me a little jump because my energy can be so low sometimes. I had already ordered some a couple days ago when she and I were talking to this guy about it - and now I can't wait for it to arrive! I can't remember the last time I did that well in Zumba and sweat that much! I got tired towards the end and my back and knees still bothered me but I definitely had more to give.

Oh and this is the lowest weigh-in I've had, so that didn't hurt. :)

Anyways - like I said. I'm better.

Thank-You <3

Just Waiting...

 I'm struggling.
Looking for a way, looking for an answer
Hoping someone else can figure it out for me
I have no idea what is the right thing to do
I pride myself on making the right choices, even if they're not easy. But what's 'right' ? I have no clue right now.

Do I feed the entitlement? Do I sacrifice myself?
Do I continue to wait and hope, even though each day means I lose a little more of myself?

I try to hang onto the good times. They do exist. They're just so far and few between that it's hard to remember what they are sometimes. Or how they made me feel.

Usually, I feel alone. Lost. Like I'm walking on a tread mill, up a hill, in the dark and I have no idea what I'll find at the end of my journey - if anything at all. I see nothing, I feel nothing. But pain. And tears. And loneliness.

I have no one in my day to day life that supports or encourages me. I give, and give, and give, and give until there's NOTHING left. And then I give some more.

Just waiting, hoping - someday, maybe - someone here will SEE me. And care. And act like they care. And show me they care.

I'm just waiting........

I Am Trying To Understand...

A few things...

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love being able to keep in touch and up to speed with friends and family all across the globe. What I dislike is how frustrated I get when I read some people's posts.

We all have opinions. Neither of us is right or wrong - that's the simple fact of the matter. So long as it is an opinion and you're not trying to pass it off as a 'fact', then I have no beef. But that doesn't mean you don't hurt my head (and sometimes my heart) With that said, I am sure I do the same to some of you.

There's a few things; some light-hearted, some heavy - that have been on my mind lately. I haven't made any Facebook posts about them because I'm not interested in debates. I was hoping it would just go away and I could move on and forget about it but some folks continue to post over and over and over - and there's apparently no ignoring it.

Pokemon Go - For the love of God, stop being so petty. I think the game is pretty stupid. I downloaded it to see what all the craze was about. I 'caught' a couple Pokemon. It didn't excite me, if anything it was humorous. What's not humorous are the people getting all bent out of shape about it. It is a game and it is NOT hurting anyone. Those people getting hurt or doing stupid things are stupid people, doing stupid things. Stop blaming the damn game.

Parents have never-ending complaints about how 'kids-now-a-days' don't go outside anymore. All they do is sit inside on their phones and play games. Well - now they're outside. And you're still complaining! "The kids are making so much noise" "They're walking all around town, being unsafe" "There's kids in my yard! Get Out!"

I get it; some people are stupid. But rather than ban your child from the game - or rather than demand Pokemon shut this travesty down. Why not TALK to your kids? Why not educate them on the importance on being smart and safe and making the right choices? How about giving them limitations such as; no playing after dark. Do not enter private property. Don't cross busy streets.  Don't go down dark alleys. Do not play this game without a buddy. Take accountability for your kids being idiots and teach them what it means to interact with society and be outside.

Nice, France - For those unaware, there's been a tragedy in Nice, France. A suspected terrorist drove a bus into a crowd of people and killed over 80 civilians. It's heart breaking, devastating and scary. I cannot tell you how many people have I seen on my Facebook use this tragedy to support their argument about gun laws in the USA. Some even went so far as to make a joke about it. "Time to ban buses! Let's tighten up bus-laws"

.............................. I get you're passionate about your guns.  I get you want to own a gun. That's fine by me. Go for it. But for the love of God have some class. Show some empathy. Support your cause - but don't do it at the expense of a tragedy like this.

I pray and I hope that this level of ignorance is short-lived. That people truly, truly can see the difference between civilians carelessly taking lives and terrorist attacks. I pray and I hope that people out there understand that it's not funny when someone... drives a bus into a crowd people. Or when someone ignites a bomb and blows up a train station ... or when someone flies an airplane into a building. That. Is. Not. Funny.

Good Times and Bad Times - We all have highs and lows in our lives. For me personally, it's been a difficult 2 years really. I've had some super highs and I've had some mega lows. It's during those low times that I knew who was there for me. I want you to know I haven't, nor will I ever - forget. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

I also won't forget those who weren't there. Those who didn't reach out. Who all but ignored me. (Or actually did ignore me) I won't ever forget. You've damaged our relationship and sadly you're probably so wrapped up in your own little world to even notice. If you're not going to be there for the tough times, then I don't want you there for the good times. You broke my heart and to this day, I can't think about it without crying. Strangers, people I have never met in my life - checked in, sent prayers, love and encouragement. But there are some of you, who never said a damn thing. To be honest, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't even think you knew what had transpired. But you did. I forgive you because I have to, to move on with my life. But I won't ever forget. And if, God Forbid, you ever need your friends and family in the manner in which I did - I hope you never understand how I feel.

Peace Out.

Ups, Downs, Inside Outs

We all have our moments when we feel up, down and torn inside out. More often than not, things don't make sense and it's hard to piece together the fragments of our lives that leave us bewildered and confused. Struggling to  take the next step in the 'right' direction.

We are all so imperfect. The world is a massive, messed-up melting pot of sins and blessings, it's no wonder we often don't know which way is up. The past couple years have been the year of 'Opinions'. Everyone seems to have one about everything. Whatever the latest news trend is on Facebook, becomes the focus of everyone's world and we all become an authority on it. It's exhausting.

People use social network mediums in their own way. Some barely post, some divulge every single move they make throughout the day, some use it to keep in touch with long long friends and families, others use it to annoy their friends (even if they don't know they're doing it). There's often a lot of things I want to post but I don't because I don't want your opinion (Or anyone's). I never understand those who post vague and less than descriptive messages but respond to people with "I don't want to talk about it" or "inbox me for details". Seeking attention much? Sadly, I see this literally five times a week from different people and I have absolutely no doubt I've done it myself. Just a big ole pot of lame.

New Subject: Goals.

They're tough sometimes. We want to strive for better and we don't even mind the hard work, but what if you never get there? It's so discouraging to put in so much effort and never yield the results you desire. But you've got to try. Because if you don't put forth the effort, then you're guaranteeing yourself to fail.

I was having this discussion with my 18 year old Step daughter the other night. She told me she has 'tried' to curve some bad habits and I said "No, you haven't." Making an effort a single, solitary time isn't trying. Trying has to be on-going and consistent. You don't do something one day and then stop and say "Well, I tried"

Whether it be exercise, relationships, employment - whatever your goal may be - if you want to thrive, you need to strive. Every day. Every chance you get. And you never quit. Because you only fail when you fail to try.

No one demands perfection. It doesn't exist. But YOU should demand the best from yourself. You should demand yourself to never stop trying, never stop striving to be better than you were yesterday. Sure you'll hit a bump or two along the way but persevere. Stick with it. you'll get there.

My Tongue Fell Off

There's so much drivel being sprouted on Facebook these days, it's enough to make my head spin. We live in an era where everyone is an expert, and not only has an opinion, but feels it their God given right to share it with everyone. (Much like I am doing right now? The irony isn't lost)

I am fine with opinions. I just don't understand why some people insist on forcing theirs down the throats of innocent Facebook scrollers over every. single. thing. the media decides to focus on. 

Because, by all means - they're not discussing topics close to their heart or that they've spent years fighting and supporting. They're simply voicing their thick-witted two cents on whatever narrative happens to be on the 5 O'Clock news. They're pointing fingers on who is right or wrong and what should be done about it but you know damn well they wouldn't lift one single finger to help make that change possible. Hell no, their fingers are too busy typing Facebook novels every day.

Everyone knows who the best president would be for the USA (especially those that don't live here), everyone is an expert in parenting, gun safety and control, terrorist and wall building. I can't even type this stuff, it hurts my head - so I'm not going to waste another minute on it. 

What I will talk about is something more close to my heart. Something I have to remind myself of daily. Life is good and life is precious but it isn't always easy. In fact, it rarely is. I've often told people "if it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it" but sometimes that sounds like such bullshit rhetoric that even I can't handle the verbosity that comes out of my mouth. Why can't it be a little easier?

It can be. 

But you have to do your part. 

If you are married - love your spouse fully. Even when you don't like them. Take every single opportunity to try and make their life a little better, a little happier, a little more worth while. Kiss them, hold them, rub their back - be their best friend.

If you are a child - love your parents fully. Help make their life easier by doing what you're told, when you're told, and how you're told. If you say you're going to do something - do it. You counted on them your whole life - sometimes, they count on you. Don't let them down.

If you're a parent - love your children fully. They're going to make mistakes, they're going to make you mad and one thing I'm trying to learn, is it is not always our job to teach them lessons. Sometimes, it is our job to forgive. To love them anyways. 

If you're a friend - love your friends fully. Appreciate them, include them, check in on them. Don't always talk about yourself. Sometimes, a friend is all a person needs. Someone to listen, to laugh and most of all - to care. Be a friend.

If you're a human being - love your fellow humans fully. You don't have to agree with every choice they make.  You don't have to eat the same foods or worship the same Gods. But the more love, compassion and empathy you show for your fellow human beings, the easier life is for everyone. Be humble. Be kind.


So when you're done having an opinion on how to make life better or easier, maybe you can find time to reach out to someone - anyone - and actually do something that makes a positive change in this world. The power is in your hands.

Validate & Appreciate

It doesn't take much to show someone you love and appreciate them. Especially when it comes to people of the female gender. We don't need expensive gifts or outlandish acts/expressions to feel adored and cherished. All we need are the little things, that are meant for only us. A kiss good-morning, a hug hello, a slap on the ass if you're feeling giddy.

When it comes to gifts, the price tag doesn't matter. Just the thought. It's not about how much money you invested into the present, moreso how inspired you are by the intended recipient. You could buy a music lover the most fancy drum set in the world but if they don't play the drums - it won't make much sense. But if they're a guitar player and you search out a pick with an engraved photo of their favorite artist - now that is going to be impressive. Even if it only cost you 25 cents.

Mother's Day was this past weekend. I know, by some people's standards, I'm not a 'real mom'. I've never given birth or adopted a child. But I do spend a great deal of time and money assisting others to raise their children so whether I deserve it or not - I like to think I've earned a day in the sun on Mother's Day.

Facebook was bombarded with post upon post with people giving love to their mom's. It was wonderful but I won't pretend I wasn't glad when Monday rolled around and my feed was a little less flowery. Ha.

There were a few things that annoyed me though;

1. Mother's Day is for Mother's. Not Father's. I don't care if you're raising a child alone - the day is intended for females. Just like Father's Day is intended for males.  Yes, I fully understand there are parents who 'fill both roles' but that's such a backass backwards way of viewing the world now-a-days, it kind of makes my blood boil.

You are a parent. Parent is no longer just a noun, it is a verb. You parent. You raise your child. That involves certain tasks. Whether it be taking them to little league, washing their clothes, helping them with their homework -whatever - these roles are no longer defined by gender. Mother's Day is not defined as a day to celebrate the parent who does the laundry. It is designed to celebrate the female in the parental relationship.

When you introduce yourself to your child's teacher do you say - "Hey! I am Adam's mother and father" ? Of course you don't because that would be stupid.

So if you're a single parent - you'll get your day, you just don't get both. Unless you have both the x and the y chromosome and somehow had sex with yourself and delivered your own baby. Then you can have both. And your own realty tv show.

Some people always gripe that mother's (and father's) should be appreciated every day of the year and not just one a Sunday in May (or June or whenever). Right. I don't disagree. But what's the harm in having one day that is just a little more special than the rest? On the flip side, there's nothing more special than a national holiday to bring emphasis to just how little your efforts are appreciated. So there's a definite negative among the chaos.

At the end of the day - every day - make sure you can reflect back and say "Yep, I took every opportunity to make sure those I love, know they're appreciated" Because they may not be there tomorrow. Life is precious and short and unpredictable. Don't wait until tomorrow to do what you can accomplish today!

The Life Of Live

On Facebook, life is different. Some people act as though they're mother of the year (when in reality, everyone else on the planet is raising their child), others act as if their marriage is amazing-and-perfect (when in reality, they're cheating on their spouse), some act tough-like nothing could ever get them down (when in reality, they're falling apart from the inside out), some act like they're victims of well.. everything (when in reality, they're psycho and are 100% responsible for all of their problems) - the list goes on.

Truth is - nothing is perfect. Life is not designed to be a series of Pinterest posts. It is hard and fragile but has the potential to be oh-so-wonderful if you appreciate the blessings you have around you and every day you're given on this earth. I know, I know. Some days that is easier said than done.

You get out of life what you put in it. If you stand around waiting for the world to thank you for existing and put zero effort into your relationships (marriage, children, parental, siblings, friends) then you're going to get zero effort returned. 

If you sit on your thumbs and wait for everyone else to solve your problems, eventually they'll give up on you and the world as you know it, will fall apart. 

If you lie, steal, break rules and disrespect the people who support, encourage and make your life even possible - eventually they'll reach their bullshit capacity and you'll be swimming in a stinky mess that is your life.

You have a choice. Contribute to society or don't. Contribute to your family or don't. Be a good husband, wife, mother, father, daughter, son, sibling, parent - or don't. The choice is absolutely, entirely and completely yours.  And so will the consequences. Those will be yours too. The good, the bad, the ugly. You are responsible for how your life turns out. You. Only you.

If you find yourself going through a lot of relationships. If you find yourself having to start-over all the time. If you find yourself fighting with everyone. If you find yourself being yelled at all the time. If you find yourself being broke more than you're not. If you find yourself buried in bills every month. Who is the common denominator? 

Me? I find myself frustrated. And sad. A lot. And I know it's my fault. I have absolutely no patience left. None. I have endured all I can and the tiniest things make me want to explode (or implode) It's up to ME to fix that. I have to make some difficult decisions or commit to some difficult choices. But I do need to take my own advice and do something different because clearly, what I am doing isn't working. I can't rely on other people to help me get to where I need to be to feel happy and less frustrated. So it's up to me. It's always been up to me.

One Day At A Time

Facebook has this app that tells you what you were doing "On This Day" X number of years ago.

One Year Ago Today: We were in Baltimore, preparing for Chad's Colonoscopy and then surgery.

Two Years Ago Today: I had received our Disney Arm Bands in the mail, preparing to take the kids to Florida.

Life can change on a dime, I've said it 100 times.  The past 14 months of my life has been the biggest roller coaster of them all - far surpassed anything Disney had to offer (Not that I went ON any Roller coasters, have you seen the size of my ass?) Some people think we've got terrible luck to keep facing obstacles; some think we're incredibly lucky to keep getting positive news in the light of dark. I battle with myself trying to figure out exactly what we are; but one thing is for certain. I take whatever is dished out - one day at a time.

I can't focus on the future right now or what might be coming our way because it absolutely overwhelms me to the core. I can't think of the past and what we've been through because it makes my heart ache. All I can do is take whatever is happening, when it's happening and push through it. Figure it out, one day at a time.

I am the type of person who just doesn't give up easily. It's a trait I learned from my father, one I've admired my whole life. Both of my parents have worked for as long as I remember and even when things got tough, they soldiered on and figured things out. The moto I have always lived by is one my father used to say to me growing up. "Good things come to those who work hard". So I do. And I always will.

I am 150% committed to my job. (It doesn't hurt that i love the work I do) I remember when I did job shadowing in High School. I went to the Neptune Theater with a group of students and we were mentored by a lady named Janet White (I think that's her name. Amazing I still even remember). She made a statement that has stuck with me every. single. day. of. my. life.

"If you find a job you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life" Yes, I work a lot. I am constantly on my phone checking in. Communicating with our volunteers, our community, my co-workers and while I definitely get frustrated - I love it.

I didn't even mean to start talking about work. I was just sitting here thinking about this One Day At A Time thing and how we got to where we are. Life isn't magical. It doesn't just 'happen' to us and make everything okay. It takes dedication and hard work. There are far too many people out there who just expect everyone else to pick up their pieces when they let them fall. I don't respect that.

I don't respect nor do I want anything to do with people who wait for the world to do their job. I don't like excuses, in fact they irritate me. They show weakness. You can veil an excuse however you want; dress it up and try to pass it off as something other than what it is - but you're not fooling anyone.

Work hard. Stay committed. Give life everything you've got and take it - one day at a time.

Frustration

My life isn't bad. It's actually pretty good. I have a fantastic job which I absolutely love. I have some good friends. I have a wonderful and supportive family spread out across the continent. I have a husband who I do love more than I know what to do with. I have great step-kids and adorable fur-babies. I go to a great church, with an amazing preacher and supportive congregation.

But I find I get so frustrated lately. Everything looks great on paper but there's a lot going on in my life that makes the day to day laborious and difficult. I often feel like I am drowning in an environment that I should be thriving in.  No, my marriage isn't perfect. Being a step-parent stresses me out. Chad's health isn't great. It seems there is one thing after another and keeping my head above water through it all is sometimes so overwhelming I don't even know how to function.

I'm constantly torn between being grateful for all my blessings and then wondering what the hell I even bother for. I am a do'er. I try not to focus on the negative and look for the things that are good or could be great. I try to inspire people to be better than they were yesterday but there's so much resistance sometimes (this is both professional and personal) that I wonder how anyone survives with their head planted so firmly up their own ass. It's like they're just waiting for everyone to come in and solve their problems without taking the initiative and figuring it out for themselves.

I am not perfect, far from it. Sometimes my faults scream so loudly they keep me up at night. Like when it comes to cleaning the bathroom, or in taking care of myself and putting myself first. Or when I forgive too easily but can never, ever forget anything no matter how hard I try.

The one thing I have going for me is I do learn from my mistakes. Sometimes though, it's not my mistake. And there's nothing I can do to fix something and it just kills me because I want to. I want to make people happy. I want people to BE happy. To believe in themselves. To chase the moon and stars and become the best version of themselves they can be. I know that sounds cliche. It's a side effect of my 'aspiring over-achiever attitude'. I've never quite been amazing at anything but I've tried. I usually just end up being good at a few things. (That's why I don't bowl. I'm horrible)

Anyways, I'm rambling. I'm frustrated. I don't have all the answers and I don't know how to get them. I don't know how to make people give a damn about the things that are important. I don't know how to help them focus and I don't know how to not care. I just don't know.

I Am Happy With Who I Am

No, I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect and I'll never strive to be perfect. There's no sense in wasting energy or emotions on something that is not feasible.

 There are some things I wish I could easily change about myself - some I've been trying, some are a life-long struggle. I'm not a super model, my life is somewhat restricted by my size and energy level. Yet, I always try and continue to push myself.

I'm not a great cook, I actually hate cooking. There is nothing about it that I find enjoyable or rewarding so when I am tasked with having to do it, it is truly a struggle. Not due to laziness or inability (because I'm sure if someone wanted to teach me, I could do it. I Just don't have the knack for it like some people; with recipes and proportions and all that really uninteresting stuff) I just really don't like it and I'm the kind of person when I don't enjoy something, or I can't find a reward - I don't do it!

I'm emotional. But I don't think this is a bad thing. Everyone has emotions - some people are angry, some people are happy, some people cry. I think I am fairly balanced. At least when I'm happy but when I get frustrated or angry - I do cry. It's not just sadness, it's an over abundance of any emotion that I just don't know how to deal with so it comes out in floods falling down my cheeks.

I am also committed. When I give myself to something, I give 110%. Whether it be my job, my family, my relationships, whatever it may be - if you have my heart - you have my whole heart. That's why the bonds I create over my job mean a lot to me because when I log onto SingSnap, I'm not just collecting a pay check - I am personally invested.

I admit my mistakes. I learn from them. This I consider to be my best trait. I am going to screw up, by God I will. But I will own it, and I'll never do it again. There are too many people who make the same mistakes over and over again and continue to fuck up everything they touch, yet they take no responsibility for it. If you don't own it, if you don't recognize it - you're going to end up doing it all over again and nothing about your life will ever improve. Not for any length of time.

I don't take people for granted. While I AM emotional, I am not sappy. I don't give hugs to my step-kids or friends (unless I haven't seen you in awhile) I'm not touchy feely. I don't like talking to random people about my thoughts or feelings because I am so attached to them I usually end up crying and believe it or not - crying in front of the world isn't on my bucket list.

I work hard. At everything I do. I keep my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. I don't always succeed but I always try. And I don't wait. I don't want until I 'feel' like it. I take the very first and every opportunity to do the things I said I would do. I don't make excuses. I Just do it. Especially if it's something someone else is counting on.

I am honest. To a fault sometimes. I am not going to hold back how I feel. I won't intentionally hurt you but if there's something you need to hear - you'll hear it. I do have expectations of people. I have expectations of MYSELF so naturally I am going to have them of other people. I know how I want to be treated and how I want to feel and if you have some part in screwing that up, then you should know about it. Especially if you can fix it.

And I don't give up. Not easily. I will give you everything I possibly can until I've nothing left to give. Then I will leave and I will walk away. And I won't feel bad about it. Because chances are, we're adults and we both have a responsibility to one another. I can fix things all by myself but I am not going to fall on your dagger.

I am writing this post because sometimes I get so down on myself and I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I not worthy of this or that and I constantly hold a mirror in front of myself and pick out my flaws. Then, at moments like this I need to remind myself ... I am not all bad. I have a lot of good and if people can't see that, then it will be their loss in the long run.

I like who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm good.