I'm Having A Day

You know the type. Where everything and everyone seems destined to annoy or irritate me. I am not sure if it is lack of sleep, patience or just being overwhelmed with the seemingly endless list of things that need to be done everyday, that fall on me and only me to consider/complete.

This is work, home, personal life, pets, kids. Lately it seems even remembering to breath is tiresome. I've also been battling some aches and pains of my own that I pretty much have to suck it up, ignore, grin and bare it because quite frankly - I don't have time or energy to worry about. I tell people I am hurting but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone else, so I guess why should it matter to me.

Alright, enough feeling sorry for myself! That gets old really fast too (Oh and please, I know... I know... I need to take care of myself, I am no good to anyone else if I am hurt, blah blah. I get it)

See? Truly irritable. Even my own whining up there ^^ has annoyed me.  So now I am going to complain about other people. Things I see that just bother me.

So there's this guy named God who is a dear friend of mine. Okay, more like a guide and savior. I've always believed in him - always. I just have a hard time with everything that is supposed to go with him. Namely - the bible and moreso, how it is left open to interpretation or how some people consider it not only their right but duty to judge others based upon how they perceive the written word. I don't care what passage you show me or how you twist the words to fit your belief spectrum - there isn't a soul on this planet who is the ultimate judge. Only the big man upstairs has the right (and ability) to do that. This is how I see it.

If I don't like alcohol. I don't have to drink it.
If I don't like gay people. I don't have to be gay.
If I don't like to swear. Then I don't have to fucking swear.

But what difference does it make what my neighbour does? Isn't that between him and God? Aren't those things he needs to worry about instead of me? Don't I have enough to focus on in my own life without sending other people to hell? Don't YOU?

Moving on.

If you hate drama. If you truly hate drama - you don't need to tell everyone how much you hate drama. You avoid it. You erase it. You remove it. You deflate it. You don't create it.

Also.

I've mentioned this before. Those people who suck? Specifically, the Do-For-Me'ers. I've seen some folks take this to an all-time new high. I know over the past few months I have reached out and asked for help. It pained me to do. Even more so, it pained me to accept it. Everytime I spent a dollar that was donated or ate a meal that was cooked, or accepted a ride that was offered - I always blinked back the tears (Still do) thanked God for my blessings and the people in my life and took a deep breath. It is hard asking for help.

But for some people out there? It's an art form! They don't just ask for help - they EXPECT it.  And when you give it, they act like they're doing you a favor. They're too busy crying over their own pathetic existence and blaming everyone else for their fuck ups in life that they end up missing out on amazing opportunities, chasing dreams, finding love, starting families, bettering themselves. That's sad. I don't understand it. I don't know how people can wake up and not do everything they know how to make it through the day. It's one thing to ask for help when you really need it. It's an entirely different thing to act like a slug and suck the life out of everyone who loves and cares for you, endlessly, and then suck a little bit more. You seriously suck. Literally AND figuratively.


Lastly,

When you post something on Facebook, expect a response. And understand that not everyone may agree with you. Don't throw a hissy fit if someone, somewhere, in this vast and complex planet may actually have a different perspective. Consider it, think about it and then decide if you care. If you don't, awesome. If you do, maybe it's food for thought.

Make Love. Not War.

P.S. Have I mentioned lately? I hate cancer.

Consider It Said

I've had a really challenging past six months. They say 'it happens in 3s' and it certainly did in my case. First my Poppy passed away, then Patches and then Chad got diagnosed with Cancer. My last post on this blog said good riddance to 2014. Little did I know that four days later I would face the challenge of a lifetime.

When I reflect back on this past three months, it feels like a lifetime. I have experienced every emotion you can think of to the 10th degree. There's been some highs and there's been some very, very low moments. I've began to step back into faith, I've asked for help in ways which I never thought I would and I've watched the man I love deal with a boat load of very serious obstacles. Through it all, I never lost sight of the goal and I've always felt everything will be okay. I still do. We have a long way to go and I've no doubt obstacles in front of us, but I am part of a pretty solid team - so I think we can make it.

I've been given a lot of blessings over these past few months, as had Chad. People we never even knew stepped up in the biggest of ways to help lessen the burden of every day life, to offer love, support and prayers. Our family and friends held our hearts in their hands as we walked through this. I'll never truly feel I have said thank-you enough, or in the right ways. I am still often without words.

With that said, there's another side of this that I have been holding in. Because honestly? It's not important. But it still hurts and I know it hurts Chad. There are people in our lives, both here in Kentucky and elsewhere that we thought would be in our corner. There were hundreds who showed they cared that we never would have expected, but there were some - we actually DID expect to care. To reach out, even if it was a phone call or a supportive shoulder. And they didn't. I sent messages to specific people, hand selected - just to let them know what was going on and they weren't so much as acknowledged.. There are people from my life that I considered to be very, very dear and I've not heard a single word from them during this entire time.

Chad is the same. He'd never say it out loud but there are people important in his life who haven't come to see him, who haven't even checked in while he was in the hospital or since he's been home. But yet "strangers" and I use that word in the physical sense only, that we've never met - check in constantly.

It's for those people I am thankful. It's for the friends who simply take the time to say "How's Chad". For the people who take the time to read the blog, continue to pray...

To those people who basically ignored us during our time of need. I am sorry for you. You missed out on a chance to help people who love you. And one thing I've learned over these past few months - that is one of the greatest feelings in the entire world and it really does make a difference in their lives.

To those people who have checked in, who have followed along and who have showed you care... From the VERY bottom of hearts, from MY heart especially since this is my blog - I may never know how to properly thank you. I may never find the right words to express my gratitude, But thank you for being you. Thank you for even sending ONE message because that's all it took to show me you cared.

Today we are heading to Church to pay homage to someone who really guided us through this. Then back to spend time with our latest family member but I'll introduce him later when I know it is a sure deal.

Good Riddance 2014!

It's amazing how, an otherwise decent year, can be dampened by grief. Up until October, I would've said 2014 was a good year but it all went downhill fast and I am glad to see it go. 

I'm not going to focus this entry on what has happened - good or bad. Rather, I am going to focus on the future. So during my next few minutes of erratic typing, I am going to explore some personal thoughts, as well as offer some advice to any unknowing eyes that may happen across this.

Life - regardless of how good or bad it seems - is a blessing and it should be treated as such. Spend less time complaining about everything that is wrong and more time being thankful for everything that is right. And if you're so miserable in being yourself that you can't find anything right, feel free to touch base with me and I'll help you pull your head out of your ass.

Let Go - The past is just that, the past. Harping about it, crying about it, shoving it down people's throat every time something new happens, gets old.  So you got dumped, lost a job, car broke down - whatever it is that keeps haunting you - find peace and let it go. I know it's easier said than done but the first step is trying.

Take Initiative - I am as guilty as this as the next guy but some people take this to extremes. If you're unhappy or think your life is unfulfilled - do something about it. On your own. Stop waiting for the world to fix your fucked up existence for you. If you're on the verge of growing up - do it. It's going to happen anyways, so it may as well be on your terms. Stop being lazy, stop making excuses and be the driver of your own fate.

Which leads me to my next rant;

If you're going to do something. Just do it. Stop telling the world about it, seriously. Close your mouth and make it happen. The more you boast about it, the less people believe you're going to do it and ultimately, the less people care. If you're making these continuous posts as a thinly veiled 'threat' or you have some other delusional reason behind it - you're not fooling anyone. You're just making yourself look like a psycho. So if you want a new job, get one. Starting a 'new you', leaving everyone behind. Adios! Going to join that gym after-all - right. Good. Best of Luck.

Seriously, shut-up with the dramatics. Think "Less Talking - More Doing".

As for me? I'm going to try to follow my own advice. I am also going to work on loving myself more. Maybe if I care more about me, others will follow suit. If not, their loss! :D

Tis' The Season

... to feel lonely.

It's not that I've never felt this way before, because I have. More often than I probably care to remember. I just find myself having an exceptionally difficult time feeling 'happy' this holiday season. And it's not just because I am feeling the loss of Poppy and Patches or missing my family that is scattered out all around North America. It's more than that. 

I look around at the relationships surrounding me in my immediate, every day life and I guess I am feeling less than fulfilled. It seems everyone's first priority is someone other than me, myself included. People are too busy thinking of themselves or someone they think more important than me. I feel like I can never measure up, or what I do is never enough. The things I say or request of people (which I consider to be very little) go in one ear and out the other. No one in my "Kentucky" life, ever asks me how I am, how my day is going or any sort of inquiry into my personal well-being. And if I try to share it on my own accord, the conversation soon changes tide or is completely unacknowledged.

I know people care about me, maybe even love me - I just wish I 'felt' it in an every day presence, rather than an occasional glimpse. I don't normally express this type of emotion out loud but Christmas is in three days and I need to release this gloom 'somehow'. I desperately want to feel festive and I don't know what I can do to escape the dark clouds.

So I wrote it down. Can't say I feel better but at least it's out there. For no one to read...

Relationships - Does He Really Love You?

Don't be surprised but Faebook has once again inspired a thought to be formed in my brain. This doesn't happen often so I like to put pen to paper when it does. 

I don't know if it's the season and people are naturally inclined to try and out do one another, to keep up with the Jones' so to speak - but it seems like more and more people are putting on a charade about their life being so close to perfect that even the angels in heaven would be jealous.

While this covers pretty much every topic you could imagine, I am going to zone in on one area in particular - relationships. There are people who are almost unrecognizable now. And I am not talking just physically - though even that seems to have changed - but people you've known for years, knew their beliefs, their values and their life priorities - Well it all seems a distant memory. 

These people have one thing in common and that's that they've entered into a new relationship. The newest, latest and greatest 'love of their life'. It seems they're going to great lengths to change themselves and re-write their past to accommodate their future and, quite frankly, it makes no sense and gives me cause for concern for them.

Naturally, when you enter a new relationship you have to blend your worlds together equally. You each may make small sacrifices and changes to better your relationship and inevitably - better yourself as an individual. However, if you completely turn yourself into someone new in an effort to make someone else happy - you're only going to end up hurt and alone. 

Because they don't love you.

And no amount of changing is going to make them love you. They may think they love you. They may even try to convince you (and themselves) daily. But chances are if you find yourself giving more, changing more, sacrificing more - you're also going to lose more. If you have anything left to lose, that is.

You're not reinventing yourself, you're losing yourself. You're erasing everything you've ever been and believed in, in an effort to make your partner love you. This seems to be happening in both genders but women are taking the crown. 

So ladies - this is for you. Be yourself. Love yourself as you are. You shouldn't have to change jobs, change your style, make new friends or anything else super life altering like that to make your man happy.

And fellas - If you're spending less time with your kids, growing facial hair you truly can't stand or feel yourself being cut off from the world - or completely sucked into hers. You need your own identity. 

Love is a wonderful thing but it should be natural, not forced. Real, not fake. Do yourself and your new relationship a favor and get back to the basics, back to what's really important and make sure you're not giving yourself away in the name of 'love'.

If you feel like you're constantly trying to measure up - chances are you never will.

God Knows I Am Trying...

Today is Thanksgiving in the USA. I am supposed to be feeling grateful. I may have had some difficult things to deal with this month but even with that considered, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know I am blessed and I know, even on my worst days, my life is better than a lot of others on their best.

But it's still hard. I find myself overwhelmed lately with emotions I don't know how comprehend or deal with. After Poppy's funeral, we took the kids Trick or Treating and something about that just felt so right. It seemed weird to have been on the verge of choking on my tears at the graveyard to laughing and joking around a mere few hours later. But it felt right. I know Poppy was looking down on us, smiling from ear to ear with that special twinkle in his eye. 

But I've been depressed ever since. Tired. Drained. I thought something was honest to God wrong with me. I went so far as to buy a pregnancy test in Canada because I felt so off. I was deliriously happy to get back to Kentucky because of all the stress that accompanied my flight home but that didn't last long. I got very sick shortly after returning home and just as I was getting better, Patches started getting bad. 

So I sit here today, on Thanksgiving, knowing I should be thankful. Knowing I am blessed and have so many amazing and caring people in my life. But I just can't shake that little black cloud hanging over my head. I keep focusing on the heaviness in my heart. Everytime I close my eyes I see painful images that I just want to forget. I sit here and try to force myself to remember the good times and funny stories and it's as if I draw a blank. As if they never existed. And when I do manage a laugh in my everyday life, I almost feel guilty.

I've never experienced grief before and I guess this is all a part of it. I know, the proverbial 'time' is what is supposed to make everything better and God willing it will. I don't want to wish my life away but I long for those days when I can smile without pain, laugh without heartache and feel thankful without bitterness.

Hurry-Up and Wait.

Sometimes - It Feels Good To Cry

I Have Had A Rough Month

Monday October 27, 2014 - My Poppy passed away. It was sudden and unexpected and beyond difficult to comprehend. He wasn't without health issues but I suppose I thought he would live forever. Travelling there and home, being away from my husband, kids and pets and seeing and feeling such pain and grief was one of the most difficult times of my life.

Then I got sick. Like really sick. For over a week I battled a wicked awful combination of a cold, cough and stomach bug.

Then Patches got sick.

Monday November 24, 2014 - My baby girl, Patches passed away. In hind sight it all started a week or so before. Small personality changes but during the weekend, things progressed at an alarming rate and my poor baby was basically begging me with her sweet puppy eyes to help her release the pain.

It was the most difficult decision I have ever made, in my entire life. My world turned upside down as I questioned everything that was holy. How could I play God? Who was I to determine when it was 'time' ? Everyone kept telling me "You will just know. She would tell you. You will feel it in your heart".

But I didn't. Not then. I didn't know and it scared me to death. She seemed to be getting worse so quickly but I didn't want to give up! What if it wasn't the cancer? She lived with it for so long. What if it was a stomach bug and she would recover? How long is too long? How many days do I wait to see if she gets better without being selfish and making her suffer?

Then I woke up Monday morning and came down to the office where she was sleeping. Two weeks ago, she would've gotten up to greet me. One week ago, she would have sat up to greet me. One day ago, she would've raised her head. She didn't move. I couldn't touch her at first. I had to wait and see if I saw her chest rise. I did. And then we made eye connection. And I knew. :*-(

I cried. I called out to my husband. I went outside and sobbed so hard I couldn't see straight. I tried to see if she could stand up. Twice. Chad tried to tell me to give it time but I knew there wasn't any left. She was ready to go home and it was up to me to help her. I spent a couple hours just holding her. Telling her I loved her. Telling her how proud of her I was and how she was the most courageous puppy I have ever known. I told her how much I loved her and how much she has enriched my life. I got the opportunity to kiss her, take a couple photos, pet her and love on her. Then I told her it was okay to go. Those may have been some of the most heart wrenching moments I've ever experienced but I know I am so blessed to have had them.

Tuesday November 25, 2014 - I dreaded waking up and starting my morning. I knew my life had to go on but I didn't want it to go on without her. I came down to the office like I did every morning. And I still said "Gooood Morning...... Good Morning Patches (as I gripped her collar in my hand) Good Morning Butthead (my other dog Shadows' nickname)"

Then I cried. I let Shadow out and sat down in my comfy blue chair and I cried some more. Shadow came inside, jumped on me and I cried again.

Then the vet called and told me the ashes were ready. I was going to wait and ask Chad to get them but I couldn't. I needed to do it myself. I rushed to the shower and went and picked my baby girl up and brought her home. But oh yes, I cried one of those ugly wailing cries that you think are only real in the movies. 


After work, I went to the grocery store and felt it start. I managed to keep it in until I got to the car and cried into my window. Then I came home and went to the bathroom. And I cried.

I feel such emptiness. Such pain. Such hurt. And the ONLY thing that makes me feel okay is when I cry. I let it out.

I wish like hell I had my Poppy and my Puppy back. Just one more day. I wish I didn't have to cry. But in moments when my heart is so full of grief and sadness - I am so thankful I have these tears.

Sometimes - it feels good to cry.