Quitters Never Win - I Lose

I give up. I absolutely give up. I have exhausted every avenue, every effort - I am out of ideas.

 I am drained, out of energy and out of will power. My patience has been non-existent for the longest time and regardless of how many warnings I gave, they just didn't listen. Didn't stop. Didn't consider. Just keep taking, taking and taking until there is nothing left but an empty shell.

I don't care anymore. 

I need to focus on me, my life, my marriage and my happiness. I have to turn the tide if I want to be happy and I have no idea anymore how to do that, other than to let go and stop caring. A person only has so much energy and when one subject continues to pilfer every single ounce, there comes a time when enough is enough.

So I will change. They won't? But I will. I won't care. I won't be there. I won't support. I can't because it goes nowhere. I can only have the same conversation so many times before I realize it's never. going. to. matter.

I don't matter. That's clear. And it's a shame. Because I fucking tried. Really hard.

What Facebook Is To Me

Facebook is important to me. Maybe more important than it should be. Maybe it makes it easy for me to be lazy in certain areas, or maybe it facilitates something that simply would not be possible or feasible in a 'real life' situation.

I live very far away from family. I keep in touch with my parents but if I didn't have Facebook - I don't think I would have a clue what is going on with anyone I am related to, let alone my friends from back home. We are all busy, we have our own separate lives but Facebook provides an opportunity for us all to keep in touch or to follow along with one anothers lives without being in close proximity or sending a hundred emails and/or letters. I will not apologize for loving Facebook.

People who don't use it, or understand it - seem to speak negatively of it and I find that annoying. Really fucking annoying. I may have people on my Facebook that I've never met but that doesn't mean they're not important to me. In my line of work, I interact with people from all across the world. 

During these past six months, those people I've never met? have reached out, showed more compassion, touched base, kept in touch, helped our family, supported us - more than most people who share mine or Chad's blood. There are people I haven't seen in twenty years but because we 'stay in touch' via Facebook, they still know me. And apparently they still care.

I've always loved Facebook, especially since I've moved away from home. Right or wrong, it is my link to the rest of my friends and family who use it. It is my decision who I allow to be a part of my world. I share my highs, lows and everything in between on that site and I won't apologize for it. If you're on my friends list, it's because you've touched my life and left a mark for some reason and I thank you for it. Thank you for loving and accepting myself and my family - and for keeping in touch. Even if it is in an impersonal disconnected way. I am still super thankful we have this connection.

Much Love.

Life is Colourful

The past six months of my life has been filled with challenges I never thought I would have had to face. As a result of those, my perspective on some things in life has changed, as well as several parts of who I am.

I have next to zero patience anymore, and that is saying something because I never was a patient person to begin with. I have a very small tolerance for excuses. Things are the way they are because that's how they are. You deal with it the best way you know how. You make the right choices and you do everything you can to be the best person you can be and make the best out of any given situation. Anything less than that, is an excuse.

You can spin your wheels and waste your time blaming this or that or defending how amazing of a person you are or you can spend your time being that person you pretend to be on Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook. You are not the only person on there. There's actually quite a few - so if you see a post and you take offense to it and decide you need to write an essay to defend yourself  (or silently stomp through your house and have a hissy fit) because you think I, or someone else, is taking that opportunity to make a statement about your character for all the world to see. Check back into reality. It may not actually be FOR you (Gasp! I know right?) Maybe it's just a general statement. Maybe they're just words. There is a possibility, however slight, the world doesn't revolve around you.

So if you DID take offense and got your feelings hurts - that's on your darling. Food for thought.

When I was in University, I was the President of the Bethune Athletic Council for a couple years. I had a few complaints from some female constituents about how a male member of my council was treating women. So during a monthly meeting I made a very general statement to all members present - that sexist remarks will not be tolerated and if anyone has the attitude that they're better than a woman because they pee standing up, to re-evaluate their position if they want to remain on council.

I never mentioned any names. I never looked at anyone in particular. The statement lasted all of two minutes. But one member felt compelled enough to go up to my Vice President after the meeting (the VP was a male, shocker) and complain that he felt I should have approached him directly. My VP told me about this and I couldn't help but laugh.

Guilty much?

If someone makes a general statement about the population at hand and you consider it a personal attack, then that is a reflection of YOU and is something you need to fix within yourself. Last time I checked, we're revolving around the sun - not you.

It's Time To Vent

To Be A Good Parent - You Need To Be A Good Person

One of the reasons I never wanted children is because I am selfish. Well I was. I still am a bit but if you're even remotely human - children (and a husband) changes that. I wanted a nice clean house, a stable job, the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted and not consider other people (especially tiny, dirty or expensive ones) as part of the equation.

But when I married a man who had children - I accepted my life had to change. I am not the perfect step parent. Far from it. I lack patience, I do not wear blinders so I see their faults quite clearly, I lack the ability to communicate in a soft and comforting way. I tell it like it is. Take it or leave it. That's just who I am.

But I try. I give it everything I have, which may sometimes not be much, but I give it. I didn't choose to have kids. I chose to marry a man who did and while that may be the same thing to some, it's not to me. I will always do my best for them and I love them with my whole heart. However, they are not my children. I did not carry them in my womb and I simply do not have that natural motherly instinct I believe mothers should have.

So when I consider how much I give, how much I sacrifice and how hard I try - for these children who do not even belong to me - it absolutely burns my ass when I see parents, who spread their legs and create children willingly - being absolutely pathetic excuses for 'mothers' or 'fathers'.

If you birth'd or participated in the creation of a child. They're yours and they should always, always be your first priority. They're my first priority, why the hell aren't they YOURS? Don't spend all your money on your latest boyfriend and then complain you have none for diapers or daycare! Don't buy whatever man is tolerating you for the month expensive things and then put your kid in raggedly old torn up sneakers, three sizes too big and cry about how hard it is to make ends meet.

When you plan a vacation, include your kids! I do! I took them to Disney World, what have you done?

So the next time all you men or women out there post on Facebook about how amazing of a mother or father - and person you are, remember some of us know you in real life.

End Rant.

The Time Will Come.

I don't walk around in my every day life with a chip on my shoulder (anymore). There was a time in my life when it felt like the world was against me and my actions reflected that. I don't feel that way anymore - so generally speaking, I am a happy person. I don't make every Facebook post as a call for attention or to create drama (and then turn around and pretend I hate drama) I am not one of those busy bodies with nothing to do.

When I write these posts, I am usually ranting and complaining or giving my opinion on something that is happening around me. Usually, it's therapeutic. Why? Because I don't want to be the aforementioned person anymore. I don't want to walk around, slouched over because the chip on my shoulder continues to grow. So I release it and let it go. Here. In the form of words.

Parenting is difficult. It's not something I ever wanted or imagined myself doing. It is even more difficult to parent children who aren't yours. Who you didn't raise from birth or who you don't have full say on how they're disciplined or even rewarded. Having to constantly work within someone elses perimeters or 'fix' and 'adjust' what has already been developed before you arrived in the picture is - hard. For me? There are very little rewards. But parenting isn't about rewards or feeling good about yourself. It's about helping someone else develop into the best version of themselves they can be - often at your expense. Well that's how it is for me. I did sign up for this parenting thing when I said "I do" but I obviously had no clue what I was getting into.

Parenting is also something that is 'timed'. Because you only have so much time, during each phase of life, to get it right. You only have so many days to teach your children, prepare them and ensure they're ready to tackle the next stage. When time begins to run out and your child is missing the bus - you push a little harder, try a little more.

But the time will come... when patience runs out. When I stop caring. When I stop giving. When I sit back and say "I've done what I can. I've given you the tools I know how. The rest is up to you". It's too hard and it's too draining to constantly hear the words "I don't know" or "I forgot" or see them roll their eyes or pout as if you've asked them to give you the world.

I don't ask for much. But I give a lot. And I am about out of giving a shit.

People Aren't Stupid

Well not all of them. There are some people who seem to make it their goal in life to convince you that they do not have a single functioning brain cell - so who are we to argue?

We all hear stories from time to time that leave us with one eyebrow raised and a trickle of doubt running through our minds. Oh who am I kidding? Sometimes it is like an effin Niagara Falls of doubt. But that's their life and their karma. When you lie and mislead people, you and you alone and left to suffer the retributions, so just be sure its worth it.

I don't know if there are humans on this planet who think they're above telling the truth or think they're more intelligent than they are - that there is just no way possible, their lie will be discovered. Please people, it all comes out in the end. Since my job involves interacting with people on the internet, from all over the world, I probably end up with more of these stories than the average bear. For some reason when people get behind the computer, they become what I call "Keyboard Warriors" - where they wouldn't necessarily behave in the same fashion as they would 'in real life'. They think they can get away with slandering someone else just because they don't have to directly face the repercussions. But the thing is - they do. You do.  Karma works in mysterious ways and it isn't usually immediate. So be weary and be careful and most of all - be honest and genuine.

Oh - and lying doesn't necessarily mean out and out telling someone a story that isn't true. It can also include NOT telling someone something that is important or hiding it - thinking they don't already know the difference. 'Forgetting' to include that your ex-boyfriend called and you spoke to him for an hour doesn't mean the conversation didn't happen. Deleting a text message doesn't mean the message wasn't sent. Stop trying to be so smart, it just makes you look stupid. I have always and will always say - if you have to hide something - you shouldn't be doing it.

Be an honest person. Every day. All Day. Not just when it's convenient. I am not saying you need to tell everyone, everything that is on your mind. Just don't deceive. Don't try to blindside someone - whether it be a close personal relationship - or someone on the other side of the computer screen. At the end of the day, it is a reflection of your character - not theirs.

Rejection. Ouch.

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine and it brought forth some interesting thoughts that I decided to put to paper. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship has likely, in some degree, felt rejection from their partner. Whether it be for an actual reason or simply because they weren't in the mood. And when I am talking about rejection - I don't necessarily mean sex you dirty pervs. It could be anything from spending time together, walking hand in hand, or going on a 'date night'. 

Rejection hurts - so when you do it, make sure you think about it. I think for women, it hurts more and lingers longer. When you say 'no' to something that is important to your partner, they're not likely to forget anytime soon so when it's time for you wanting something from them - you're probably not going to be received with open arms.

Is it fair? Probably not. But life never is. In a relationship, just because something isn't important to you - doesn't mean it's not important. If it's important to your partner is has to be important to you by default and it's your job not to minimize or trivialize their wants and desires. If you do, you're setting yourself up for a long and difficult relationship, especially if it becomes a habit. You're also setting up someone you supposedly love for a never ending wave of disappointment and it is possible someday they may decide not to surf anymore.

Morale of the story is. Suck it up buttercup, if he or she means anything to you, it'll be worth it in the long run. So suffer through, grin and bare it and be thankful someone is still there trying. Sure beats the alternative.