Looking Back...

I've been trying to write a "Reflections" post for awhile but every time I attempt to put 'pen to paper', it turns, I turn -  into a blubbering mess. Here's my struggle.

I feel guilty.

I should be happy, I've been so blessed with so many amazing things and people and I should feel overwhelmingly happy and thankful. Thankful, I am. I think you can be thankful without radiating joy. I just don't feel a whole lot of happiness lately. Maybe I am one of those people who get entirely depressed around the holidays. I used to love them. Christmas eve has always been one of my favorite times, whether I was with my family eating at Ko's restaurant in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia - or at my Dad and Step Mom's house in Mahone Bay playing games with my wacked-out family. I always loved it. 

Looking back over the past 12 months, it's easy to find a word to describe it. Cancer. It's changed and ruled my life and every single day when I look around me, I am reminded as to what it did to my family. What it did to me. What it did to Chad. What it did to my step-kids and what it did to my marriage. Nothing will ever be the same. Good and Bad.

This is what I've learned this year;

Life is precious. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Do what you have to do to make sure you live each and every day to the fullest because no one is guaranteed tomorrow.

The people in your life, the ones who really love you -  hold onto them for dear life.

The people in your life, the ones who let you down - let them go. Don't hold onto the grudges or hurt feelings because it only causes you pain. 

There are good people out there. I mean Really. Good. People. People who care, people who reach out and support you. Who carry your burdens when you're not strong enough. Some you hoped you would be there for you but some you never ever imagined they'd be your rock.  

God is Good. I mean. Really. Good. I've come a long way in my faith over these past 10 months. I have a long way to go to be the type of person I want to be but one of my biggest areas of growth is being more comfortable with wanting to believe. I have the type of mind that I like to question things and figure out the answers but sometimes, you just can't. Sometimes you have to believe in something even if it doesn't make sense up here *points to head* and trust it because it makes sense in here *Points to heart*

I have no idea what is in store for me 2016. I'm not even sure I want to know. The only thing that is for certain is that at the end of it all -  I hope I'm happy. I hope I find myself surrounded by those same good people I encountered in 2015 who filled my heart with love. I hope I am loved, I hope I am able to love - the way I want to. I hope my friends and family are happy, healthy, safe and able to enjoy each day for what it is. 

I just want to be happy. 

Cancer, cancer, cancer

It's everywhere. Everyone I know, everyone I don't know. It's around every corner and in the back of every bar. It's at the salon, it's at the gym, it's on television. There is no escaping it. Every single ache and pain is cancer.

Since my husband was diagnosed in January, I play this constant - never ending game - of convincing myself everything is not cancer.   It's exhausting.  I'm tired. But I won't stop fighting because life is too precious to let a fear consume me.

Selfishness

Selfishness is really a disease. Some people make it a way of life. It never even occurs to them to consider how their actions may affect another human being in their life. It's always about serving themselves, what they want - when they want it. Right here and right now.

We all have to be selfish sometimes but when you constantly and consistently let down those people you supposedly care about, it just makes you look like an inconsiderate asshole. Truth be told, most people who are selfish don't have much to show in their life. They're usually lonely, sometimes surrounded by expensive things - sometimes surrounded by empty beer bottles and dirty sheets. It just depends on how much of a fuck-up they've let themselves become.

If you are the kind of person who always puts their own wants, needs and desires ahead of everyone around you - you might want to stop and reflect. Do you like your life? Do good things happen to you? Do you keep making the same mistakes over and over, expecting a different outcome? Because sometimes life isn't about doing what you want. Sometimes, it's about doing what you need to do and it isn't always fun. There will come a time when you just have to suck it up, focus and apply yourself because that's how the world works. If something has to be done, it's not going to always be for YOUR benefit and that's okay - because last time I checked, the sun doesn't revolve around you. 

 

Step Outside Yourself

Life is precious.
Each day is a gift.

Whether you're fighting cancer or perfectly healthy - you are not guaranteed tomorrow.  Neither are your loved ones. At any moment in time, any one of us could leave this world so the only chance you have at making things right is NOW. This very moment.

If there are people in your life who you have done wrong, own it. Admit it. Apologize. Get over it. Being a coward and putting blame onto anyone and everyone other than yourself, just makes you look like the world's biggest fuck up. Quit being a fuck-up! You've mastered the art, try a new profession.

Stop hiding behind excuses and just call it like it is. "I screwed up. I'm sorry" ... It's amazing what those two little words could do for you. They could change your life. They could make it better. They could mend fences that you are solely responsible for tearing up. They could begin the process of healing.

If you keep pushing it away. Waiting until tomorrow. Another day, another time. It might be too late. Maybe it already is. One thing is for sure. Turning away, pretending the problems don't exist, running like a chicken shit with your tail between your legs isn't going to solve your problems. They'll follow you everywhere. Until you make better choices, your life is always going to suck. It's your choice. It always has been, always will.
 

Have Some Honour

Oh I need to vent. Release the rage.

If you say you're going to do something - do it. Be reliable. Make your word hold some value.  And if you can't do what you said you're going to do  (because life happens, things get in the way - I get that) - let someone know. Don't conveniently forget to tell them (that you're letting them down) so they can sit with their thumbs up their asses staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell is going on.

I realize you are the sun. The world revolves are you. But while you're busy with your head stuck up your ass, us mere mortals are standing around 'waiting'... and wondering ... and get really fucking irritated in the mean time.

So be a good person. Be decent. Consider other people, especially ones you've asked a favor of in the first place.  I'm not asking for a novella - just a little consideration. A heads up. A tiny bit of a communication goes a long way.

It's A Blah Kind of Day

I wish I were more positive lately. It seems I am only ever motivated to write anything down when I have something to bitch or cry about. I am sure my motivation is to get it out of my system so I don't implode or explode on those around me. Nonetheless, when reading back through my blog - it makes me seem like a sad, tightly wound, easily irritated maniac.

Oh wait. Maybe I am.

I've never wanted for much nor did I ever really ask for much. Growing up, my brother got all the fancy things - not because my parents wouldn't buy them for me, I just never craved them.  Don't get me wrong, I DID get nice things, it's not like I ever went without but I probably could have. Even today, while I want nice things around me it isn't because I am materialistic. It's because I work hard and I want 'something' to show for my money. I want to use the little bit of cash flow I do have to either make me proud or create memories, rather than just waste it down the drain. Why get a cheap painting you don't really like when you can save up a little bit of money and invest in something you're in love with? Just makes sense to me.

There is a drawback to this type of personality though. Due to my personal feeling of being happy with what I have, I find often times I go above and beyond trying to make others happy. Often sacrificing myself. People will ask me "Well what DO you want to do?" And you know what? I have no answer. Because it's been SO long since I've even thought of myself, my desires, my wishes or my dreams - that I actually have no fucking idea what I want anymore.

I know I want Chad healthy. I know I want my dogs happy. I know I want my step-kids to grow and prosper as good and decent human beings. Me? No idea. I'd like my back to stop hurting. I'd really like that. I've been putting off seeing a doctor about it for ages now but the time is nearing soon. Very soon.

But other than that? I want to not feel invisible. I want to feel cherished. Considered. I want to have friends again that I actually hang out with. Right now I have one, she's my gym buddy and I honestly don't know what I would do without her shoulder sometimes.

Why is it so hard to think of myself? I never used to be this way. I used to be single, care-free. I was there for other people but I looked after myself. I cared about myself. I did my best to make myself happy. Now I feel like I've lost myself. 

It's depressing. The one thing I have in my life that I am really proud of - is my job. I love my job. I love the work I do. I even think I do a good job sometimes. Not always, but sometimes.

As always - Thank God for SingSnap.

Why Is Happiness So Elusive?

I often wonder when looking at my own life, those around me and even those from a distant - why is 'being happy' so difficult for some to achieve?

Some crave the feeling of 'contentment' - but people around them drain away even the slightest hints. Others seem to put a facade on in public as though life is being lived through rose colored glasses - but anyone who knows them, know they're half bat shit crazy and their life is a total mess. Then there are other people who are almost determined to be miserable. They would rather spend every ounce of energy focusing on everything bad in their life, rather than being thankful for the good.

I think I am all three of those people rolled into one fluffy package.

I have a pet peeve with respects to Facebook. It's always been a pet peeve. I just can't understand why people behave the way they do. I vent and rant and rave as much as the next guy but 90% of my post are about me, my life, my thoughts, documenting my journey. It is rare I make a post directed for specific individuals. If I 'do', it is usually a very large group of people who are flooding my feed with the same BS. (Because, let's be honest - when I want to bitch about people, I do it HERE. Not on Facebook. Duh) lol

But there's still a difference. I friend of a relative posted a pretty hateful message the other night about my loved ones. I have never met this person but they added me due to my connection to their siblings. I am getting specific about this because it irritated me to no end. I tried my best to bite my tongue but when I seem some other asinine relation of theirs post an ignorant comment, I felt it my heart I had to defend my loved ones because what was unraveling in front of my was 'not cool'. So I posted. I was not rude, nor was I disrespectful. I told them I was sorry they were hurting, hoped they can fix it, related to a similar situation in my own life but did tell them posting this to Facebook wasn't cool.

LongER story short. I was told to 'kiss off', it was 'none of my business' and that while I 'was good with word, go away'. Okay, fair enough. I tried to reason to them that was my original point. It isn't anyone on Facebook's business but they made it everyone's business by airing their dirty laundry for all the world to see. They ended up putting me on limited profile (They weren't intelligent enough to realize I could access their page through Chad's) so I did her a favor and removed her from my Facebook. I never met the woman, what do I care?

She did later apologize, suggesting I had no idea what it was like to go through something difficult. Ha ha ha. And she was having a bad day. Okay. Toodles.

So - point is. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? Why air your bullshit on Facebook and then DELETE it? If you have something to say to someone, say it TO THEM. If you don't like someone, just fucking delete them from your life. Period. Stop griping about it. Stop making this bullshit passive aggressive posts aimed at people in specific while you're hiding behind the goddamn keyboard.

Man.

Grow up.

P.S. To be sure, I am not doing the same thing here! HA! I DID tell her all those things I wrote. Just more nicely :)

Hurtin'

I'm hurting... Physically, emotionally and spiritually. I've struggled for the past five or so years with my life. Wondering if I am where I am supposed to be. I am in bad shape - in every area of my life. Physically - my back hurts and my feet cramp. I'm bigger than I've ever been and while I try to get better, I don't know if it will ever be enough or if it's just too late.

Emotionally. I am drained and I am broken. I have been on an emotional roller coaster over the past eight months and now that things are a bit more 'normal', my old scars, fears and pain are resurfacing. My own personal clouds of doubt and depression are taking the forefront now that everyone else is 'taken care of'. At least for the time being.

Spiritually. Actually, I may be stronger here than I've ever been but I have so far to go and it is overwhelming. The closer I get, the more questions I have. I feel like I am spinning my wheels trying to understand and be the type of person God wants me to be. I want to follow my heart but that doesn't always align with what the Bible says so I still struggle.

I want a life where I feel I am making a difference but more than that, that the people in it act like they want me there. Not just because I make things easier but because they'd miss me if I were gone. Miss my laugh, my sense of humor, my personality quirks. Not just miss that I pay bills and run errands and take care of what needs to be done. I want to FEEL like they would miss ME. I could probably walk up and down the halls of this house for a week and no one would talk to me. 

That's the sad reality of my existence. I am sure it's not as bad as I typed but perception is reality and that's my perception.

Perspective

Read the words on the photo. Start at the top and work your way down. When you're done, read them again. Except this time - start at the bottom and work your way up.

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Interesting, eh? Perspective. When we are faced with obstacles or situations we react a certain way. This photo that came across my news feed exemplifies - visually -  how easy we can change our perspective. All we need to do is stop ourselves and start over. Obviously, it's not always that easy but it is much easier to see things on a brighter side when you at least try. If you make no effort to actually improve your attitude, it's never going to happen.

I, too often, see people fall into these traps where they would rather focus on everything that has them down, as opposed to everything that lifts them up. I am guilty of it too. Sometimes, it seems easier to cry about what you don't have than to be thankful for the blessing that you do have.

In my real life, I am surrounded by these type of people and it is draining because in my heart - I am not one of them. I work for what I have and if I want something, I do what I have to do to get it. I get so tired (and frustrated) with the people who only think of themselves and their immediate pleasure instead of looking at the long term goal and route to get there.

So next time something happens in your life - take a moment to consider it, before you react to it.  It is very possible that there's another perspective out there that might help keep your days full of Good, instead of Bad.

I'm Getting Good At Not Caring

I am helping to raise a teenage girl. As anyone who knows me is aware - children were never a part of my master plan. But I fell for that whole "falling in love" facade and the man had kids. It's part of the package, just like my love for dogs <3

This particular entry is all about the youngest girl, Haven. She will be turning 18 in November and technically I've been filling this role since 2010, granted it officially began in 2011 when I moved to the USA.

Haven is a very bright young woman. She is well versed, articulate and has a very creative and thoughtful mind. She lost her mother when she was three and over the years lacked serious emotional development. (Keep in mind, this is all my opinion. I have no training, experience of knowledge - I am just making observations) If you sit down and have a conversation with her,  basing your opinion on her vocabulary and how she carries herself, you may never know she is 17. However, it won't take you long to see that underneath it all - something is lacking.

She struggled throughout elementary and middle school. I came into her life for Grade 9 and while difficult, things definitely started to improve. She was taking care of herself (physically) and coming out of her shell. She became a Straight A student (until one B this year, which was still a 92%) and she put forth very little effort. She basically got Straight A's by doing the bare minimum which only supports the level of intelligence and potential she has. If she could only focus and apply herself - the world would know no boundaries.

She will be a Senior in high school next month and with the last year of her childhood fast approaching, she has begun a downward spiral. She hates change (even though she does pretty well with it) She is scared of the future and she is still under developed emotionally. As a result of these things, she seems to have rescinded in her endeavor to grow up.

She has gotten very lazy and has taken selfishness to an entirely new level. She is lying all the time, straight to my face - when I know the truth already. She lies about big things and absolutely ridiculous tiny things that make no sense. She is breaking rules, left right and center. The little money she did have saved, she has blown on junk food and video games. She is involved with older men online, role playing in a very sexual manner (just found out this one today, haven't had the pleasure of confronting her about this one yet). She cuts herself (well pretends to, it's always very surface level and seems to be more about attention than anything else)

She has next to no friends and the few she does have are not very good friends in my eyes. The only time she hangs out with them is when she makes all the effort to ensure they have plans. (Twice this entire Summer thus far). Whenever she corresponds with them, she is always so depressing though - it's no wonder they don't invite her places. We took she and her brother to the fair and a group of her friends were there. No one had invited her. It didn't even phase her. She just doesn't get it. 

She says she is bi-sexual. She also has created this person inside her head called "Hallow" that tells her to do bad things.  She steals things, and sneaks on the internet at night (Really whenever she thinks she can get away with it)

I've done everything I can think of doing. I've tried the be a best friend thing, I've tried tough love, I've taken absolutely every single thing she had for entertainment away from her. I can't 'ground' her because she never leaves the house. It took weeks of pushing her, but finally she got a job - so that's something. 

She never complains about going to work and actually seems to enjoy it. And she IS a good kid. She just constantly and consistently makes bad choices.

So this is what I've learned; 

Let her.

I have tried to guide her, to show her, to let her make mistakes and she doesn't - absolutely refuses - to learn from them.

I had to stop caring.

I won't cry anymore about it. I won't wonder what I am doing wrong. 

I can't concern myself if she turns into a complete fuck-up. If she wants to be on welfare, if she wants to end up in a dead end relationship, if she wants to work in a fast food joint for the rest of her life - it's her choice.

I can't force her to make the right one. 

I can only lead her and guide her and give her as many tools as I can to help her make the right choice but at the end of the day - it's hers. And with her choices come her consequences.

I will keep my rules in my house. I will not enable her. But I also won't catch her anymore every time she falls. And she will fall. She has to.  It's her only chance.

I used to spend hours and days and sleepless nights trying to think of what else can *I* do to help her. She only has a year left, I felt the time crunch.

And today - when I found out the latest debacle. (Her father strictly forbid her to role play in any sexual manner, let alone full on smut and she, yet again, broke his rules) I laughed. Just another notch on the belt, Haven.

Way to continue to break rules and disappoint your parents who have busted their asses to try and provide a safe and happy home for you. 

She graduates in a year. I hope within the next 10 months she has an epiphany and learns how to choose what is important and what is right over what feels good 'right now'.

But for me? I'm being selfish now. I'm choosing what feels good. I won't give up on her but I have stopped caring so much. I know I have done all I can do, short of kicking her out of my house. Hopefully, she won't make me do that too.

I Keep Trying...

Ever since the news about the USA making a nation wide ruling on gay marriage, I've been trying to write a blog in response to things I've encountered on my news feed. 

Brief background: I was not raised religious. I barely seen the inside of a church growing up but I have always believed in God. Or wanted to. I always had a desire to understand and learn. I had - and have - a difficult time with the bible. I wouldn't necessarily call myself Christian but not due to lack of trying. I just can't convince myself to believe the written word, or at least my church's interpretation of it.

I was raised with and have acquired certain fundamentals over the years and I do not have it in me to hate, judge, or condemn to hell - people who believe or behave differently than I do - provided they're not actually causing harm or doing anything 'wrong'.

As cliche as this sounds; I have gay friends. I completely, entirely and whole heartily support their right to marry the person they love. #lovewins! But I can't pretend I don't find it a bit excessive that every person, and their brothers are changing their profile pics to rainbow versions of themselves. If you're Gay and live in the USA, or even if you're not gay but want to support your gay friends - fine. But Canada - Why you? There's people on my list who probably don't even know an American but they're boasting about it. It's been legal up north for a decade. Is it because Facebook wasn't around then and you didn't get the chance to change your pic then? (Or maybe it was, I don't remember)

Anyways, whatever. It is fad and I know I'll soon see your normal colored faces back amongst the feed.

But here's one thing that's not okay. Actually, it is driving me nuts. It's hurting my head. And it's damaging my heart. It's making me not want to go back to church. I didn't go yesterday. I couldn't. Because I knew my preacher would likely address it (because Politics belongs in the church right? *eye roll*) and I didn't trust myself not to get up and walk the fuck out.

Okay - So you don't support homosexuality. You believe only men and women can get married.  Why do you have to be so damn HATEFUL about it? I've seen posts about America falling apart because of this decision, atrocities such as people comparing the right to marry who you love to the goddamn holocaust! Yeah, because I see the similarity in allowing two people who want to spend their lives together to burning innocent jews alive. Yeah, makes a lot of fucking sense doesn't it?

I hovered over a few names and fought back my urge to delete them. I am tossing up your IGNORANCE to lack of education and acceptance. Yes, ignorance. And if you're offended by THIS - by all means - delete me and good riddance.

The biggest dose of irony comes in the fact that some of the people who post the bible as their reason for believing the way they are; are divorced, eat pork or shell fish, have tattoos, are men with long hair, or drink alcohol - all of which are an abomination too. Funny how we pick and choose what we support, isn't it?

Here is the one thing I've learned over the past seven months. Life is precious and it is fragile. There is no guarantee for tomorrow and it most certainly has an expiration date. So I would rather spend my days loving, enjoying, and encouraging people to be happy - then belittling them and condemning them to hell. Our preacher once said it was OUR DUTY to judge and provided scripture to prove it. Bullshit. I love our preacher but this just doesn't sit well with my soul. I am not judging anyone and if that means I am going to hell - then so be it. I'll save you a seat.

I will love. I will support and I will remain true to my heart in its purest form. You don't have to agree with certain things but that doesn't mean you need to stand in the way of something that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Nothing is 'wrong' with the USA now. Your country hasn't 'gone to hell', it isn't 'falling apart' - it's simply being open-minded and giving its people equal opportunities to be happy. Find something else to complain about because as I see it? You're the one fucking this country up - not 'them'.

Quitters Never Win - I Lose

I give up. I absolutely give up. I have exhausted every avenue, every effort - I am out of ideas.

 I am drained, out of energy and out of will power. My patience has been non-existent for the longest time and regardless of how many warnings I gave, they just didn't listen. Didn't stop. Didn't consider. Just keep taking, taking and taking until there is nothing left but an empty shell.

I don't care anymore. 

I need to focus on me, my life, my marriage and my happiness. I have to turn the tide if I want to be happy and I have no idea anymore how to do that, other than to let go and stop caring. A person only has so much energy and when one subject continues to pilfer every single ounce, there comes a time when enough is enough.

So I will change. They won't? But I will. I won't care. I won't be there. I won't support. I can't because it goes nowhere. I can only have the same conversation so many times before I realize it's never. going. to. matter.

I don't matter. That's clear. And it's a shame. Because I fucking tried. Really hard.

What Facebook Is To Me

Facebook is important to me. Maybe more important than it should be. Maybe it makes it easy for me to be lazy in certain areas, or maybe it facilitates something that simply would not be possible or feasible in a 'real life' situation.

I live very far away from family. I keep in touch with my parents but if I didn't have Facebook - I don't think I would have a clue what is going on with anyone I am related to, let alone my friends from back home. We are all busy, we have our own separate lives but Facebook provides an opportunity for us all to keep in touch or to follow along with one anothers lives without being in close proximity or sending a hundred emails and/or letters. I will not apologize for loving Facebook.

People who don't use it, or understand it - seem to speak negatively of it and I find that annoying. Really fucking annoying. I may have people on my Facebook that I've never met but that doesn't mean they're not important to me. In my line of work, I interact with people from all across the world. 

During these past six months, those people I've never met? have reached out, showed more compassion, touched base, kept in touch, helped our family, supported us - more than most people who share mine or Chad's blood. There are people I haven't seen in twenty years but because we 'stay in touch' via Facebook, they still know me. And apparently they still care.

I've always loved Facebook, especially since I've moved away from home. Right or wrong, it is my link to the rest of my friends and family who use it. It is my decision who I allow to be a part of my world. I share my highs, lows and everything in between on that site and I won't apologize for it. If you're on my friends list, it's because you've touched my life and left a mark for some reason and I thank you for it. Thank you for loving and accepting myself and my family - and for keeping in touch. Even if it is in an impersonal disconnected way. I am still super thankful we have this connection.

Much Love.

Life is Colourful

The past six months of my life has been filled with challenges I never thought I would have had to face. As a result of those, my perspective on some things in life has changed, as well as several parts of who I am.

I have next to zero patience anymore, and that is saying something because I never was a patient person to begin with. I have a very small tolerance for excuses. Things are the way they are because that's how they are. You deal with it the best way you know how. You make the right choices and you do everything you can to be the best person you can be and make the best out of any given situation. Anything less than that, is an excuse.

You can spin your wheels and waste your time blaming this or that or defending how amazing of a person you are or you can spend your time being that person you pretend to be on Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook. You are not the only person on there. There's actually quite a few - so if you see a post and you take offense to it and decide you need to write an essay to defend yourself  (or silently stomp through your house and have a hissy fit) because you think I, or someone else, is taking that opportunity to make a statement about your character for all the world to see. Check back into reality. It may not actually be FOR you (Gasp! I know right?) Maybe it's just a general statement. Maybe they're just words. There is a possibility, however slight, the world doesn't revolve around you.

So if you DID take offense and got your feelings hurts - that's on your darling. Food for thought.

When I was in University, I was the President of the Bethune Athletic Council for a couple years. I had a few complaints from some female constituents about how a male member of my council was treating women. So during a monthly meeting I made a very general statement to all members present - that sexist remarks will not be tolerated and if anyone has the attitude that they're better than a woman because they pee standing up, to re-evaluate their position if they want to remain on council.

I never mentioned any names. I never looked at anyone in particular. The statement lasted all of two minutes. But one member felt compelled enough to go up to my Vice President after the meeting (the VP was a male, shocker) and complain that he felt I should have approached him directly. My VP told me about this and I couldn't help but laugh.

Guilty much?

If someone makes a general statement about the population at hand and you consider it a personal attack, then that is a reflection of YOU and is something you need to fix within yourself. Last time I checked, we're revolving around the sun - not you.

It's Time To Vent

To Be A Good Parent - You Need To Be A Good Person

One of the reasons I never wanted children is because I am selfish. Well I was. I still am a bit but if you're even remotely human - children (and a husband) changes that. I wanted a nice clean house, a stable job, the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted and not consider other people (especially tiny, dirty or expensive ones) as part of the equation.

But when I married a man who had children - I accepted my life had to change. I am not the perfect step parent. Far from it. I lack patience, I do not wear blinders so I see their faults quite clearly, I lack the ability to communicate in a soft and comforting way. I tell it like it is. Take it or leave it. That's just who I am.

But I try. I give it everything I have, which may sometimes not be much, but I give it. I didn't choose to have kids. I chose to marry a man who did and while that may be the same thing to some, it's not to me. I will always do my best for them and I love them with my whole heart. However, they are not my children. I did not carry them in my womb and I simply do not have that natural motherly instinct I believe mothers should have.

So when I consider how much I give, how much I sacrifice and how hard I try - for these children who do not even belong to me - it absolutely burns my ass when I see parents, who spread their legs and create children willingly - being absolutely pathetic excuses for 'mothers' or 'fathers'.

If you birth'd or participated in the creation of a child. They're yours and they should always, always be your first priority. They're my first priority, why the hell aren't they YOURS? Don't spend all your money on your latest boyfriend and then complain you have none for diapers or daycare! Don't buy whatever man is tolerating you for the month expensive things and then put your kid in raggedly old torn up sneakers, three sizes too big and cry about how hard it is to make ends meet.

When you plan a vacation, include your kids! I do! I took them to Disney World, what have you done?

So the next time all you men or women out there post on Facebook about how amazing of a mother or father - and person you are, remember some of us know you in real life.

End Rant.

The Time Will Come.

I don't walk around in my every day life with a chip on my shoulder (anymore). There was a time in my life when it felt like the world was against me and my actions reflected that. I don't feel that way anymore - so generally speaking, I am a happy person. I don't make every Facebook post as a call for attention or to create drama (and then turn around and pretend I hate drama) I am not one of those busy bodies with nothing to do.

When I write these posts, I am usually ranting and complaining or giving my opinion on something that is happening around me. Usually, it's therapeutic. Why? Because I don't want to be the aforementioned person anymore. I don't want to walk around, slouched over because the chip on my shoulder continues to grow. So I release it and let it go. Here. In the form of words.

Parenting is difficult. It's not something I ever wanted or imagined myself doing. It is even more difficult to parent children who aren't yours. Who you didn't raise from birth or who you don't have full say on how they're disciplined or even rewarded. Having to constantly work within someone elses perimeters or 'fix' and 'adjust' what has already been developed before you arrived in the picture is - hard. For me? There are very little rewards. But parenting isn't about rewards or feeling good about yourself. It's about helping someone else develop into the best version of themselves they can be - often at your expense. Well that's how it is for me. I did sign up for this parenting thing when I said "I do" but I obviously had no clue what I was getting into.

Parenting is also something that is 'timed'. Because you only have so much time, during each phase of life, to get it right. You only have so many days to teach your children, prepare them and ensure they're ready to tackle the next stage. When time begins to run out and your child is missing the bus - you push a little harder, try a little more.

But the time will come... when patience runs out. When I stop caring. When I stop giving. When I sit back and say "I've done what I can. I've given you the tools I know how. The rest is up to you". It's too hard and it's too draining to constantly hear the words "I don't know" or "I forgot" or see them roll their eyes or pout as if you've asked them to give you the world.

I don't ask for much. But I give a lot. And I am about out of giving a shit.

People Aren't Stupid

Well not all of them. There are some people who seem to make it their goal in life to convince you that they do not have a single functioning brain cell - so who are we to argue?

We all hear stories from time to time that leave us with one eyebrow raised and a trickle of doubt running through our minds. Oh who am I kidding? Sometimes it is like an effin Niagara Falls of doubt. But that's their life and their karma. When you lie and mislead people, you and you alone and left to suffer the retributions, so just be sure its worth it.

I don't know if there are humans on this planet who think they're above telling the truth or think they're more intelligent than they are - that there is just no way possible, their lie will be discovered. Please people, it all comes out in the end. Since my job involves interacting with people on the internet, from all over the world, I probably end up with more of these stories than the average bear. For some reason when people get behind the computer, they become what I call "Keyboard Warriors" - where they wouldn't necessarily behave in the same fashion as they would 'in real life'. They think they can get away with slandering someone else just because they don't have to directly face the repercussions. But the thing is - they do. You do.  Karma works in mysterious ways and it isn't usually immediate. So be weary and be careful and most of all - be honest and genuine.

Oh - and lying doesn't necessarily mean out and out telling someone a story that isn't true. It can also include NOT telling someone something that is important or hiding it - thinking they don't already know the difference. 'Forgetting' to include that your ex-boyfriend called and you spoke to him for an hour doesn't mean the conversation didn't happen. Deleting a text message doesn't mean the message wasn't sent. Stop trying to be so smart, it just makes you look stupid. I have always and will always say - if you have to hide something - you shouldn't be doing it.

Be an honest person. Every day. All Day. Not just when it's convenient. I am not saying you need to tell everyone, everything that is on your mind. Just don't deceive. Don't try to blindside someone - whether it be a close personal relationship - or someone on the other side of the computer screen. At the end of the day, it is a reflection of your character - not theirs.

Rejection. Ouch.

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine and it brought forth some interesting thoughts that I decided to put to paper. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship has likely, in some degree, felt rejection from their partner. Whether it be for an actual reason or simply because they weren't in the mood. And when I am talking about rejection - I don't necessarily mean sex you dirty pervs. It could be anything from spending time together, walking hand in hand, or going on a 'date night'. 

Rejection hurts - so when you do it, make sure you think about it. I think for women, it hurts more and lingers longer. When you say 'no' to something that is important to your partner, they're not likely to forget anytime soon so when it's time for you wanting something from them - you're probably not going to be received with open arms.

Is it fair? Probably not. But life never is. In a relationship, just because something isn't important to you - doesn't mean it's not important. If it's important to your partner is has to be important to you by default and it's your job not to minimize or trivialize their wants and desires. If you do, you're setting yourself up for a long and difficult relationship, especially if it becomes a habit. You're also setting up someone you supposedly love for a never ending wave of disappointment and it is possible someday they may decide not to surf anymore.

Morale of the story is. Suck it up buttercup, if he or she means anything to you, it'll be worth it in the long run. So suffer through, grin and bare it and be thankful someone is still there trying. Sure beats the alternative.

I'm Having A Day

You know the type. Where everything and everyone seems destined to annoy or irritate me. I am not sure if it is lack of sleep, patience or just being overwhelmed with the seemingly endless list of things that need to be done everyday, that fall on me and only me to consider/complete.

This is work, home, personal life, pets, kids. Lately it seems even remembering to breath is tiresome. I've also been battling some aches and pains of my own that I pretty much have to suck it up, ignore, grin and bare it because quite frankly - I don't have time or energy to worry about. I tell people I am hurting but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone else, so I guess why should it matter to me.

Alright, enough feeling sorry for myself! That gets old really fast too (Oh and please, I know... I know... I need to take care of myself, I am no good to anyone else if I am hurt, blah blah. I get it)

See? Truly irritable. Even my own whining up there ^^ has annoyed me.  So now I am going to complain about other people. Things I see that just bother me.

So there's this guy named God who is a dear friend of mine. Okay, more like a guide and savior. I've always believed in him - always. I just have a hard time with everything that is supposed to go with him. Namely - the bible and moreso, how it is left open to interpretation or how some people consider it not only their right but duty to judge others based upon how they perceive the written word. I don't care what passage you show me or how you twist the words to fit your belief spectrum - there isn't a soul on this planet who is the ultimate judge. Only the big man upstairs has the right (and ability) to do that. This is how I see it.

If I don't like alcohol. I don't have to drink it.
If I don't like gay people. I don't have to be gay.
If I don't like to swear. Then I don't have to fucking swear.

But what difference does it make what my neighbour does? Isn't that between him and God? Aren't those things he needs to worry about instead of me? Don't I have enough to focus on in my own life without sending other people to hell? Don't YOU?

Moving on.

If you hate drama. If you truly hate drama - you don't need to tell everyone how much you hate drama. You avoid it. You erase it. You remove it. You deflate it. You don't create it.

Also.

I've mentioned this before. Those people who suck? Specifically, the Do-For-Me'ers. I've seen some folks take this to an all-time new high. I know over the past few months I have reached out and asked for help. It pained me to do. Even more so, it pained me to accept it. Everytime I spent a dollar that was donated or ate a meal that was cooked, or accepted a ride that was offered - I always blinked back the tears (Still do) thanked God for my blessings and the people in my life and took a deep breath. It is hard asking for help.

But for some people out there? It's an art form! They don't just ask for help - they EXPECT it.  And when you give it, they act like they're doing you a favor. They're too busy crying over their own pathetic existence and blaming everyone else for their fuck ups in life that they end up missing out on amazing opportunities, chasing dreams, finding love, starting families, bettering themselves. That's sad. I don't understand it. I don't know how people can wake up and not do everything they know how to make it through the day. It's one thing to ask for help when you really need it. It's an entirely different thing to act like a slug and suck the life out of everyone who loves and cares for you, endlessly, and then suck a little bit more. You seriously suck. Literally AND figuratively.


Lastly,

When you post something on Facebook, expect a response. And understand that not everyone may agree with you. Don't throw a hissy fit if someone, somewhere, in this vast and complex planet may actually have a different perspective. Consider it, think about it and then decide if you care. If you don't, awesome. If you do, maybe it's food for thought.

Make Love. Not War.

P.S. Have I mentioned lately? I hate cancer.

Consider It Said

I've had a really challenging past six months. They say 'it happens in 3s' and it certainly did in my case. First my Poppy passed away, then Patches and then Chad got diagnosed with Cancer. My last post on this blog said good riddance to 2014. Little did I know that four days later I would face the challenge of a lifetime.

When I reflect back on this past three months, it feels like a lifetime. I have experienced every emotion you can think of to the 10th degree. There's been some highs and there's been some very, very low moments. I've began to step back into faith, I've asked for help in ways which I never thought I would and I've watched the man I love deal with a boat load of very serious obstacles. Through it all, I never lost sight of the goal and I've always felt everything will be okay. I still do. We have a long way to go and I've no doubt obstacles in front of us, but I am part of a pretty solid team - so I think we can make it.

I've been given a lot of blessings over these past few months, as had Chad. People we never even knew stepped up in the biggest of ways to help lessen the burden of every day life, to offer love, support and prayers. Our family and friends held our hearts in their hands as we walked through this. I'll never truly feel I have said thank-you enough, or in the right ways. I am still often without words.

With that said, there's another side of this that I have been holding in. Because honestly? It's not important. But it still hurts and I know it hurts Chad. There are people in our lives, both here in Kentucky and elsewhere that we thought would be in our corner. There were hundreds who showed they cared that we never would have expected, but there were some - we actually DID expect to care. To reach out, even if it was a phone call or a supportive shoulder. And they didn't. I sent messages to specific people, hand selected - just to let them know what was going on and they weren't so much as acknowledged.. There are people from my life that I considered to be very, very dear and I've not heard a single word from them during this entire time.

Chad is the same. He'd never say it out loud but there are people important in his life who haven't come to see him, who haven't even checked in while he was in the hospital or since he's been home. But yet "strangers" and I use that word in the physical sense only, that we've never met - check in constantly.

It's for those people I am thankful. It's for the friends who simply take the time to say "How's Chad". For the people who take the time to read the blog, continue to pray...

To those people who basically ignored us during our time of need. I am sorry for you. You missed out on a chance to help people who love you. And one thing I've learned over these past few months - that is one of the greatest feelings in the entire world and it really does make a difference in their lives.

To those people who have checked in, who have followed along and who have showed you care... From the VERY bottom of hearts, from MY heart especially since this is my blog - I may never know how to properly thank you. I may never find the right words to express my gratitude, But thank you for being you. Thank you for even sending ONE message because that's all it took to show me you cared.

Today we are heading to Church to pay homage to someone who really guided us through this. Then back to spend time with our latest family member but I'll introduce him later when I know it is a sure deal.